Popcorn Previews

1,440 Minutes of Screams, Thrills, and Gore!!

2008-10-31T19:45:00.002-04:00

On behalf of John, whose schedule permitted him from posting this on his own:

I’ll come right out and say it – I’m not exactly what you would call a horror buff. Sure, I’ve seen a couple of the Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th movies, but I always had a hard time being entertained by those types of movies, simply because they lost their luster after, oh, the 4th sequel, perhaps? So when we decided to make this list, I decided to come up with a pack of movies that were either A) original or groundbreaking, or B) silly beyond all measure. So, these are some of the horror movies I prefer. Hope you get a kick out of them.

12:00AM - 1:25AM
The Evil Dead
Directed by Sam Raimi
85 mins

Because no list of quirky horror movies worth its salt can exclude an appearance by the legendary Bruce “Don’t call me Ash” Campbell, I figure I’ll kick the list off with the movie that made him (and Sam Raimi) cult icons. Admittedly, the comedy is better in Evil Dead 2 and especially Army of Darkness, but for an underground, relatively-low-budget film, it’s certainly entertaining. Looking back, some of the effects and make-up are kinda laughable, but at the time, it was seriously considered one of the most gruesome films ever made (hell, it’s still banned in Germany over 25 years later). Toss in some great tracking shots (which have now become a Raimi trademark), some very good special effects (the bleeding cabin scene, particularly), and you have a cult classic that’s more than worthy of kicking things off.

1:26AM - 3:23AM
Alien
Directed by Ridley Scott
117 mins

The quintessential sci-fi horror. There are so many things that make this movie stand out: Ridley Scott’s fantastic directing (big surprise there, huh?), a very good cast, special effects and animatronics that still hold up 30 years later, the sensible plot (well, except for using flamethrowers inside a spaceship), the now famous chest-bursting scene (sucks to be you, John Hurt), and of course, a young Sigourney Weaver prancing about in what can barely be call skivvies during the climactic final scene. Seriously, what’s not to love?

3:24AM - 5:02AM
An American Werewolf in London
Directed by John Landis
98 mins

Say this for John Landis – he knows how to make a movie entertaining. What could’ve been another The Howling (not that there’s anything wrong with that) had more than its fair share of jokes and subtle humor (I particularly like hearing “Bad Moon Rising” as David transforms). Again, the transformation effects and prosthetics were quite impressive for the time, and it was largely responsible for the Academy creating the Oscar for Best Make-up. Landis, of course, went on to direct the video for Thriller, which made 1983 Michael Jackson look like 2008 Michael Jackson. I’m telling you, John Landis knows horror.

5:03AM - 6:30AM
The Blair Witch Project
Directed by Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sánchez
87 mins

This movie should be required viewing for any young filmmaker. It shows how an innovative concept and fine performances can turn a few thousand bucks into one of the most successful independent movies of all time. You never see the eponymous antagonist, which works in the filmmaker’s favor, because it enhances the viewer’s imagination and fear (plus, it’s cheaper). Also, by choosing to use hand-held camcorders, it made the film feel grittier and more realistic (in fact, it made a LOT of people think it was a real documentary). If you can make people suspend their disbelief and be outright chilled to the bone, you’ve done a hell of a job. I could do without the snot bubbles, though. Thanks.

6:31AM - 7:57AM
H.P. Lovecraft's Re-Animator
Directed by Stuart Gordon
86 mins

Another 80’s cult horror classic, updating a story from one of the all-time great horror writers. One of the first movies to portray the undead as aggressive and enraged (as opposed to lethargic and enraged), Gordon still finds opportunities to toss some slapstick humor into the mix, particularly when the villain romps around with his head cut off. Of course, the infamous scene where the girl is strapped to a medical table and receives oral sex from said villain’s detached head is certainly a bit awkward (and yes, you read that correctly). But since The Evil Dead also has a similar scene, I’m just gonna chalk it up to everyone being on some really heavy drugs back in the day. Nevertheless, I’d just skip past that scene if your parents are anywhere in the same area code.

7:58AM - 9:33AM
Tremors
Directed by Ron Underwood
95 mins

Oh, what a great film. Between the graboids taking a chomp out of poor old Walter Chang (and about a dozen other people), the total demolition of a quiet little prairie town (complete with a ridiculously sweet explosion during the climax), and seeing Michael Gross and Reba McIntyre brandishing firearms like they were extras from a Rambo movie (Mr. Keaton? Really?), this is one of the coolest and silliest monster movies you’ll find. There’s no backstory for the monsters’ existence – they’re just there to be feared; and it’s always fun to just go with it and enjoy the ride.

9:34AM - 11:19AM
Dog Soldiers
Directed by Neil Marshall
105 mins

So, for those keeping count, that’s two werewolf movies set in England. This one does not get nearly as much press, which is a shame, because it’s a damn fun movie. A group of soldiers on a training mission get attacked by a band of werewolves and are forced to spend the night in a remote and poorly-fortified cabin. The jokes get flung about almost as much as the innards do. The make-up on the lycanthropes is pretty impressive, and the gore never looks cheesy or overdone (which is impressive, since, as I said, there is quite a lot of it). Even though the accents take a bit of getting used to, the dialogue is clever and well-written. Also, the sporadic massive explosions make for quite the entertaining show. A bloody good time! (Ugh, did I really just type that?)

11:20AM - 12:43PM
Black Sheep
Directed by Jonathan King
83 mins

How fitting that I transition from vicious wolves to vicious, um… sheep. In perhaps the most outlandish “Here’s what you get for messing with Mama Nature” horror film, a ginormous flock of sheep in New Zealand have been genetically altered to become whiter, fluffier, and thanks to a small side-effect, carnivorous. Yes, it sounds silly, and it is; but watching a bunch of sheep eviscerate people never seems to get old. The violence is surprisingly gruesome (especially the last victim… ouch), but the comedy is just as over-the-top. It’s a farcical, bloody romp that’s well worth a peek.

12:44PM - 2:17PM
Cabin Fever
Directed by Eli Roth
93 mins

I’m a little surprised myself that an Eli Roth movie made it on here (I hated Hostel), but his directorial debut is quite entertaining. Allegedly based on a real-life experience, Roth uses some great make-up and effects to show the ghastly effects of contaminants upon a group of horny teenagers (but really, is there any other kind?). Again, there are several moments of levity, but the real show is the gross-out horror that pays tribute to the 70’s classics (the rotting leg scene is always a crowd-pleaser). It also shows just how far people will go to ensure their own survival – a nice ethical drama. Oh, and it has the nastiest dog this side of Cujo in it. Yikes.

2:18PM - 4:11PM
28 Days Later...
Directed by Danny Boyle
113 mins

This is not your typical zombie movie, evidenced by the fact that Boyle refuses to use the Z-word when discussing this film. But it’s almost 3 horror films in one. The first is about isolation – waking up to an empty world, and finding that even your allies don’t care about you. The second is obviously the struggle to fight against the zo… oops, I mean, “the infected”. And even though the make-up isn’t intense, the acting is (although the blood-vomiting is pretty damn cool). But in a great twist, Boyle makes some of protagonists become monsters who are driven by their basest instincts, morals be damned. It’s a great way of telling what has often become a stagnant tale from a new perspective – how the psychological aspects of an infection are just as severe as the physical ones.

4:12PM - 5:44PM
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon
Directed by Scott Glosserman
92 mins

With all due respect to Lisa, this is the type of movie the writers of Scream should have made. Nathan Baesal is fantastic as Leslie, a slightly-deranged man with a dream of following in the footsteps of Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers by coordinating an executing a killing spree against a stereotypical group of teenagers. Having a documentary crew to film his training, he offers up some great tidbits about how serial killers think and act (I personally loved his reasoning for doing massive amounts of cardio). It does get a bit predictable at times, but the comedy and the satire of its own genre more than makes up for any weakness. Oh, and did I mention it has Robert Englund in it?!?

5:45PM - 7:18PM
The Tripper
Directed by David Arquette
93 mins

I know, I know. I have not gone totally bat-shit crazy; I am indeed recommending a movie brought to you by the former WCW World Champion David Arquette. But it’s such a strange film that I felt compelled to include it. A group of hippies attend a Burning Man-type festival in the California woods, where they get savagely butchered by an ax-wielding maniac dressed up as Ronald Reagan. It’s admittedly to bit hard to understand who could come up with a story like this (I’m sure acid helped), but it has quite a bit going for it. Thomas Jane and Paul Reubens steal pretty much all their scenes, the psychedelic trips are fun, and it has Jason Mewes romping around in a marijuana field (big stretch for him, I know). Plus, seeing Courteney Cox get attacked by a wild dog just makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. Maybe that’s just me.

7:19PM - 8:51PM
Feast
Directed by John Gulager
92 mins

Sweet! Back-to-back Jason Mewes (and he even plays himself this time)! The 2nd Project Greenlight winner is an absolute blast. A fun, diverse cast play their parts to perfection, notably Henry Rollins as a sub-par motivational speaker. And of course, the monsters are intense as hell – the attacks are quick and extremely bloody, which is more than enough to keep you on the edge of your seat. A bunch of tongue-in-cheek humor (for example, the life expectancy of each character in the movie) adds to what is already a great horror movie. If you haven’t seen it before, it is an absolute necessity this Halloween. And even if you have seen it, it’s well worth a second viewing. Probably the closest thing to a cult horror classic in the 21st century.

8:52PM - 10:19PM
Dead & Breakfast
Directed by Matthew Leutwyler
87 mins

This is a hokey little horror movie that hits a lot of good notes. Simple concept – a bunch of youths get lost in the boonies, stay at a bed & breakfast, and accidentally unlock a box that carries an evil spirit with causes the local townsfolk to turn into zombies. It’s nothing new, but it has a style that makes it work. The dialogue is pretty funny, the cameos from Diedrich Bader and David Carradine are certainly welcome, and the bloodshed is pretty well done for an indie. Also, I would be doing a disservice to the film if I didn’t mention the eclectic-yet-still-somewhat-country soundtrack provided by the great Zach Selwyn. If one of the songs doesn’t stick in your head by the time the movie ends, you might want to check your pulse. Not that that means anything on Halloween, but you get my point….

10:20PM - 12:00AM
Shaun of the Dead
Directed by Edgar Wright
100 mins

Was there ever any doubt? This is one of my favorite movies, period. It’s rare that a film that satirizes a genre is so appreciated by the pioneers of said genre. But when you have moments like Simon Pegg pointing out the features of a zombie, you can’t help but laugh. George Romero gave Pegg and Nick Frost roles as zombies in Land of the Dead – not sure you can get better approval than that. With a ton of references to other horror classics and British TV shows (Spaced reunion! Woot!), it never gets bogged down – in fact, it’s the original jokes that make the movie work so well. It’s absurdly funny, it’s sweet, and yes, it has violent killings. Is there any better way to complete a horror marathon than that?

1,440 Minutes of Screams, Thrills, and Gore

2008-10-30T22:29:00.005-04:00

Ah....so glad you could join me for my Halloween horror marathon. I toiled and wracked my brain to find the perfect repertoire of films -- some well-known with a few missed or forgotten gems for good measure. While they may not be the choices of the masses, they're certainly some of my favorites. I hope you like them, and I hope I can bring you one or two titles you may have missed, but will come to love as much as I do.

12:00 – 1:31am

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Directed by Wes Craven

91 min

Let’s start the witching hours off right – a classic that steals the security from the one place you could explain away fear – “It’s only a dream.” just doesn’t cut it anymore. Wes Craven’s classic introduced the world to a new iconic villain – Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) whose trademark finger-knives created a screeching sound on those boiler room pipes that would keep anyone awake all night. His clever, snide comments and brutal killing methods (when was the last time you saw someone dragged across the ceiling to his/her death!?) brought much needed style to the slasher genre. Oh, and watching Johnny Depp get sucked into his mattress is pretty entertaining as well!

Snacks to be served --- coffee, of course!! Lots and lots of black coffee!!

1:32 – 3:02am

House of Wax (1953)

Directed by André De Toth

90 min

Can’t have a horror marathon without the master – Vincent Price in all his 3-D glory. This great work does NOT include the hotel heiress we’ve all come to know and loathe (though her death in the 2005 remake certainly was very satisfying!), but brings us into the twisted world of Prof. Henry Jarrod, a disfigured man whose passion is creating wax statues for his museum…but…they look so REAL! This brings some old school camp to the evening to help chase the nightmares away.

Snacks to be served --- a nice bean salad, complete with wax and green beans

3:03 – 4:39am

Brainscan

Directed by John Flynn

96 min

Edward Furlong and Frank Langella lead a cast with zero acting talent – especially not the main character’s little girlfriend. Furlong plays Michael Bower, a kid who’s got a great techie setup in his room (including a computerized servant I want in my house), who comes across the ultimate horror video game. A villain named The Trickster (T. Ryder Smith) who calls upon the worst of Freddy Krueger and Dee Snyder + some heavy metal music + some disfigurements close to ten years before Saw = a mindfreak that is completely craptastic. One of the underappreciated camp classics.

Snacks to be served --- Mt. Dew, Cheese Puffs, Doritos – what else do teenagers eat???

4:40 – 6:11am

Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Directed by Steve Beck

91 min

One of the very few horror remakes that actually improves upon the original without destroying the original’s style. Tony Shaloub stars as Arthur Kriticos, a man whose uncle Cyrus (the great F. Murray Abraham passes away as a result of a ghosthunting accident, leaving his nephew a stunning glass house. Arthur and his family move in and are subsequently haunted by a number of beastly spirits who have been held captive in the basement. Dark Castle brings William Castle’s classic 13 Ghosts a long way from their visible strings and cheesy jump scares; each categorical ghost is fascinating in its own way and the effects are REALLY cool.

Snacks to be served --- White Castle burgers from the freezer to counteract the Dark Castle production…and we’ll make them cheeseburgers to counteract this terrible joke.

6:12 – 7:49am

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Directed by Zack Snyder

101 min

Sarah Polley (actress, director, screenwriter, and zombie hunter) teams up with Ving “Marcellus Wallace” Rhames team up in this recent remake of the George Romero classic followup to Night of the Living Dead. If the mobs of teenagers on a Saturday night won’t do it, this film certainly makes you want to stay far, far away from the mall. Target shooting celebrity-lookalike zombies + a newborn baby zombie = a must-see for all. Plus, the sun will be rising about this time, so obviously, we have to match Dawn for dawn.

Snacks to be served --- Orange Julius, Auntie Anne pretzels, and other tasty mall-fare

7:50 – 9:25am

The Legend of Hell House

Directed by John Hough

95 min

A haunted house movie that actually delivers. It takes the classic “your imagination is worse than the real thing” trick of the 60s haunted house flicks and pushes it one step further. Similar to The Haunting (1963), which was based on Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House, this Richard Matheson adaptation features a group investigating the psychic phenomena in an old house – can they survive a week? I’ve read a lot of haunted house stories and I’ve seen a lot more haunted house movies. This book is spectacular, and the movie carries the same tension. Plus, Roddy McDowell rules, and you know it.

Snacks to be served --- Wine, scotch, and other classy drinks to match the sophistication of the Hell House guests

9:26 – 10:59am

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Directed by William Malone

93 min

Another Dark Castle remake. Geoffrey Rush brilliantly channels Vincent Price in his role as Stephen Price, an amusement park mogul (whose roller-coasters are the best in the biz…I’d certainly stand in line for these!) who offers a few party guests $1,000,000 to survive one night in a haunted mental asylum. Famke Janssen (of X-Men fame), Taye Diggs (who helped Stella get her Groove back), Ali Larter (in her post-Varsity Blues but pre-Heroes days), and Chris Kattan (whose performance is the only one close to being as entertaining as Rush’s) round out the rest of the cast in this creepy tale. The twitching-shaking head effect hasn’t been so effective since Jacob’s Ladder. Unfortunately, the original 1959 film had a cliffhanger ending, so we’ll use this new, yet terrible ending as time for a bathroom break.

Snacks to be served --- Various Halloween candy – tricks abound in this film, might as well add some treats

11:00 – 12:35pm

In the Mouth of Madness

Directed by John Carpenter

95 min

A movie twisted enough to warrant watching it in the daylight. Jurassic Park’s Sam Neill plays John Trent, an freelance investigator who investigates seemingly false insurance claims. A huge publishing company has apparently misplaced its biggest writer, Sutter Cane, and hires Trent to find him. Cane, who has outsold the likes of even Stephen King, has created a series of books that quite possibly could drive you insane. Trent travels to New England and finds a town that exists only in Cane’s novels. The characters and events call to mind the works of H.P. Lovecraft and Carpenter’s film is certainly another great mindfreak that helps us question reality.

Snacks to be served --- Chips that are NOT to be thrown at the driver and blueberries, since they’re Sutter Cane’s favorite color

12:36 – 2:01pm

The Strangers

Directed by Bryan Bertino

85min

Every so often, a horror movie is released that finally gets it right. They’re few and far between, as we all know so well, and it seems that originality has breathed its last. Then comes The Strangers, a film amidst far too many unnecessary remakes and movies that focus more on gore and torture porn than authentic scares. Starring Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, this film tells the story of a young couple who are tormented by two women and one man who decide upon them simply “because [they] were home.” The psychological terror involved in this film is brilliant and it’s a fantastic throwback to the classic horror that didn’t need CGI or huge budgets to be effective. One of the best films of 2008, in my humble opinion.

Snacks to be served --- Cigarettes….since she needed them so badly at 4am, we should have a few in her honor.

2:02 – 3:30pm

Campfire Tales

Directed by Matt Cooper, Martin Kunert, and David Semel

88 min

In 1997, a little horror flick showed up, straight-to-video, on New Release walls in Blockbusters across the country. Starring lesser known (at the time) actors like James Marsden, Amy Smart, and Ron Livingston, this series of horror tales is sufficiently creepy enough to be considered a smaller gem in the echelon of anthology films. While “The Hook” is a take on a commonly-told urban legend, the third installment of the film is quite unsettling and the tale that shook me up enough to cause my leaping from the door to my bed every night for a little while.

Snacks to be served --- s’mores and hot dogs roasted on that cracklin’ campfire!

3:31 – 5:30pm

The Exorcism of Emily Rose

Directed by Scott Derrickson

119 min

The thinking man’s horror film of 2005. While The Silence of the Lambs certainly is an intellectual horror flick, this brilliant story of a young Minnesota girl (played by Jennifer Carpenter) is both chilling and though-provoking. Was she crazy? Was she actually possessed? Laura Linney plays a prosecutor accusing a priest (Tom Wilkinson) of negligent homicide. Based on the true story of Anneliese Michel of Germany, Emily Rose makes waking in the middle of the night an extremely unpleasant experience (especially at 3am – which is why we’re watching it around 3 PM). The barn scene is spectacular, and is on par with the horrors of The Exorcist….and that scene in Emily’s dorm room when her boyfriend wakes to find her on the floor still gives me the willies.

Snacks to be served --- None; Carpenter’s contortions are so freaky, I’ve lost my appetite.

5:31 – 7:01pm

Final Destination 2

Directed by David R. Ellis

90 min

The sequel that makes up for the original. A year before the release of Saw, writers prove that they should be locked up – the most creative ways to kill off a character and make the audience squirm I’d seen to date. A. J. Cook plays Kimberly Corman, a young girl who has a premonition of a horrific traffic accident on a highway and manages to prevent it from occurring. As a result, Death has returned to claim its victims. Unlike the first film, where victims died in more traditional, ho-hum ways, FD2 serves up a heaping plateful of suspense as the audience waits in terror of the ultimate killing. The premise was always interesting, but the ways these writers kill off the characters is pure entertainment…they always keep you guessing, and shocks and surprises wait just around the corner…and down the garbage disposal, and at the dentist’s office…

Snacks to be served --- Chinese food a la magnet, straight from the microwave

7:02 – 8:47pm

El Orfanato (The Orphanage)

Directed by Juan Antonio Bayona

105 min

This Spanish horror film traces the story of Laura (Belén Rueda), a woman who buys the orphanage in which she grew up and decided to open a home for special needs children. Her adopted son, Simón (adorably played by Roger Príncep), is an imaginative boy with a great personality, invisible friends, and, tragically, HIV. One day, he disappears and Laura begins hearing strange noises in her home and a small boy with a sack mask appears in the halls. Like El Labertino del Fauno (Pan’s Labyrinth), El Orfanato utilizes a classic piece of children’s literature in a remarkable way and makes this chilling tale a heartwarming story – not something you see everyday in the horror genre.

Snacks to be served --- peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk – in honor of the children

8:48 – 10:18pm

Identity

Directed by James Mangold

90 min

A group of people find themselves stranded at a motel during a violent rainstorm in the middle of nowhere. Strange occurrences abound – everyone has the same birthday, people begin dying, yet disappear shortly afterward. John Cusack, Amanda Peet, and Ray Liotta lead this ensemble cast of characters who are trying to survive the night. What’s spectacular about this film is that any summary you read, anything you hear about it, whatever you think this film is about…you’re not even close…and boy, do I LOVE a surprise ending.

Snacks to be served --- soda, chips, and candy out of the motel’s vending machine

10:19 – 12:00am

Scream

Directed by Wes Craven

111 min

The only way to end the 24-hour homage to great horror films is a film that graciously tips its hat to them all while taking its own place in the upper echelon of the genre. In the mid-90’s, the horror genre had waned to extended sequels of 80s slasher flicks and not much else. This film took a tongue-in-cheek approach to the slasher movie and incorporated the greatness of all the films leading up to it. Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) is a teenaged girl whose town is plagued by a series of murders. Everyone is a suspect and along the way, teens use their vast knowledge of horror to keep themselves safe…or not. Before the travesty that was Scary Movie, there was the clever film Scream to sufficiently scare us enough to remind us about the rules of horror – don’t do drugs or drink, never have sex, and never, NEVER say “I’ll be right back.” Oh, and don’t answer the phone, either. Aside from all that, it’s also fitting, I think, that I begin and end my marathon with films by the legendary Wes Craven. I mean, how could you NOT have one of his films on your list? Oh wait…my cohorts who have posted before me don’t. Ah well…that’s why I’m your resident horror geek, my trusty PCPV readers. LOL – Thanks for hanging with me on this All Hallow’s Eve. Hope your candy stash is plentiful – and coconut-candy free…yuck!

Snacks to be served --- popcorn, beer, chips, beer, sandwiches, and….hey! Who’s bringing the beer!?

1,440 Minutes of Screams, Laughs, and Gore!!

2008-10-27T21:42:00.002-04:00

On behalf of Michaelangelo:

In an act of complete disregard for the rules of our little horror experiment, I have chosen to actively disobey the mandate that there be a one minute intermission between films. Speaking as someone who grew up and lives in the information age, one minute without films is 60 seconds of complete boredom.

12:00AM - 1:47AM
From Dusk Till Dawn
Directed by Robert Rodriguez
107 mins

Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez team up to bring one of the most bizarre, sexy, gory, and downright entertaining vampire films of the past 50 years. It starts off slowly, following the notorious Gecko brothers as they kidnap the family of a preacher. Things get violent, bloody, and straight up gross when they inadvertently seek refuge in a bar owned and run by vampires.

Snacks to be served: If you can keep anything down when bodies start exploding, try the blood pudding.
Don’t miss: Salma Hayek doing a sexy dance before turning into a snake head woman and eating Quentin Tarantino.

1:47AM - 3:23AM
Slither
Directed by James Gunn
96 mins

From vamps to slugs – that seems like a logical segue to me. Little ikky wormy things from outer space infect the abusive redneck husband of Elizabeth Banks, turning him into a large ikky wormy thing that infects other people. There are wigglers galore in this comedic science fiction alien attack flick. Some of the highlights include an overstuffed woman exploding worms all over a group of cops, the mishandling of a grenade, and the final battle with an ancient evil tentacle monster.

Snacks to be served: Gummy worms, cold spaghetti, and Ramen.
Don’t miss: Twin little girls getting infected by the slithers and trying to chow down on big sister.

3:23AM - 5:09AM
Snakes on a Plane
Directed by David R. Ellis & Lex Halaby
106 mins

Samuel L. Jackson is sick of these motherf***ing snakes on this…well, you know. You’ve heard it. As if Slither wasn’t slimy enough for you, let’s move on to a creepy crawler attack from right here on earth. Long story short, a mob boss puts a hit on a witness against him and comes up with an elaborate plan to set a bunch of riled up serpents loose on a Pacific Air flight. Whatever happened to good old fashioned hit men? Any-whoo, Sam and company battle back the cobras, pythons, asps, and other snakes until they can hopefully land and guzzle gallons of anti-venom. Be on the look out for the microwave with the “snake” button next to the “potato” and “popcorn” settings.

Snacks to be served: Fried snake (it tastes like chicken).
Don’t miss: A whole new take on the Mile High Club. Ew.

5:09AM - 6:36AM
The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Directed by John De Bello
87 mins

Okay, okay, all this slithering and slimering is probably grossing you out by now, so here’s something designed to make you feel a little less disgusted. Giant mutated tomatoes try to take over the world, eating little Timmy and many others along the way. It’s up to a rag tag bunch of government losers to bring them down. Believe it or not, it was followed by two sequels!

Snacks to be served: tomato salad, tomato sauce, tomato soup – we have to stop them!
Don’t miss: Wilber’s parachute (trust me).

6:36AM - 7:58AM
Them!
Directed by Gordon Douglas
82 mins

We move next to the world of oversized etymological phenomena – giant bugs. This classic sci-fi horror film warns mankind of the dangers of tampering with nuclear forces when colossal mutant ants terrorize New Mexico. Though the special effects are primitive by today’s standards, they are quite good for the time – besides, there’s something quite refreshing about a complete and total lack of CGI in a giant monster movie.

Snacks to be served: lift a pile of food 20 times your own weight and drop it in front of the television
Don’t miss: James Arness, a man whose previous claim to fame was playing the monster in The Thing, as the tallest FBI agent in history

7:58AM - 9:33AM
Eight Legged Freaks
Directed by Ellory Elkayem
95 mins

So what’s the 21st Century’s take on big bugs? Well, nuclear radiation is at it again, this time in the form of a toxic spill into a lake which irradiates the insects that a local exotic spider breeder is feeding to his pets. The end result? David Arquette and Kari Wührer find themselves at odds with an army of huge arachnids. Cool effects and some serious tongue-in-cheek writing gives as much personality to the spiders as to the human members of the cast (in Arquette’s case, maybe even a little more). Look for Scarlet Johansson in a role that was clearly chosen very early in her career.

Snacks to be served: suck the juice out of some grapes and discard the skin
Don’t miss: In the scene where the spiders converge on the mall, look on the right side for one laughing spider who is gesturing to the others to “come on.”

9:33AM - 11:39AM
Se7en
Directed by David Fincher
127 mins

There are very few films out there that disturb me and this is one of them. Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt play off one another well as they navigate through some of the most upsetting murders ever concocted. I would hazard to say that the choices that this psycho gives his victims were the precursor to the “torture horror” flicks like Saw and Hostel. Let’s not forget that Kevin Spacey’s turn as the killer is so chilling that you will need to turn the heat up in the house when this one goes into the DVD player.

Snacks to be served: seven shots: 1 Southern Comfort, 1 Jack Daniels, 1 vodka, 1 tequila, 1 snakebite, 1 kamikaze, and an Alabama slammer. Drink one for each murder.
Don’t miss: Pay attention during the “sloth” investigation.

11:39AM - 1:11PM
Bubba Ho-Tep
Directed by Don Coscarelli
92 mins

After that last film, we need a transition. Something that’s a little creepy, yet just light enough to make you smile now and then. In this film, there’s a cowboy mummy that’s sucking the souls out of residents of a retirement home and only Elvis (Bruce Campbell and his buddy Jack Kennedy (Ossie Davis) can possibly stop him. Trust me; my short description simply does not do this unbelievably crazy story justice.

Snacks to be served: applesauce and pureed beets, can’t chew with no teeth!
Don’t miss: Egyptian toilet stall graffiti.

1:11PM - 2:38PM
Feast
Directed by John Gulager
87 mins

Horror movies are formulaic, particularly when it comes to characters. There’s just one stereotype after another. You have your hero or heroine, your stoner, your slut, etc… Usually you can tell which characters will survive until the end of the film and which will bite it before the third act. Feast seeks to shatter those stereotypes while at the same time creating a symphony of monsters, blood, and cringe worthy moment…and it’s funny as hell. Monsters from God knows where attack the patrons of a local bar, tearing off body parts, eating faces, spewing acidic goo, and making a gushy mess of the place. If you aren’t surprised by the plot developments in the first 30 minutes of the flick, then you are not human.

Snacks to be served: Look at the title. Do I need to really explain?
Don’t miss: Beer Guy getting it in the face.

2:38PM - 4:18PM
Godzilla 2000
Directed by Takao Okawara
100 mins

Ah, Toho Pictures, God bless you for perfecting the giant monster genre. No marathon would be complete without a Godzilla flick. In this 21st Century re-imagination of the indestructible giant lizard, he not only takes on Tokyo but also another giant monster named Orga. The Godzilla suit looks great and there are even a handful of CG scenes thrown in for good measure. This is what the crappy American version (with Matthew Broderick) in 1998 should have been.

Snacks to be served: sushi, sashimi, and sake!
Don’t miss: Godzilla swims in CG!

4:28PM - 5:42PM
Cloverfield
Directed by Matt Reeves
84 mins

We now move from classic monster goodness to all new monster greatness. In this monster attack new classic, J.J. Abrams proves that he is the man who knows how to trash New York City with a reckless giant creature. His twist is that the film is shot through a hand cam held by a panic stricken jokester trying to escape the carnage. We are right there with the survivors, dodging giant stomping feet, fighting off oversized bugs, and shimmying across torn and bent skyscraper support beams. Faint of heart… or weak of stomach.

Snacks to be served: For those prone to motion sickness, I suggest two Dramamine and call me when the Statue of Liberty’s head crushes your car.
Don’t miss: Something else, also terrible.

5:42PM - 7:49PM
Ed Wood
Directed by Tim Burton
127 mins

We now take a historic break from all the carnage and what better way to explore the history of horror than by examining someone who loved it as much as we all do. Of course, he didn’t grow up on Jason, Michael Myers, or Freddy. His horror icons were guys like Boris Karloff and Bela Lugosi. He had almost no talent as a writer and director, but he had enthusiasm by the pantload and produced what are largely considered some of the worst films ever committed to celluloid. The story, as told by director Tim Burton, chronicles Wood’s life from his humble beginnings as a transvestite wannabe to the release of his magnum opus, Plan 9 from Outer Space. Depp is awesome as Wood but let’s not forget that Martin Landau grabbed himself an Oscar for his portrayal of the aging, morphine addicted Bela Lugosi.

Snacks to be served: lots and lots of cheese.
Don’t miss: Bill Murray as Bunny Breckenridge steals every scene he is in.

7:49PM - 9:51PM
Plan 9 from Outer Space
Directed by Edward D. Wood Jr.
122 mins

You know the story of the man behind the camera; now check out the film he is most remembered for. Sure, the scenery is cheap cardboard and plastic crap. Sure, Lugosi died before the film was even produced but still appears in the film via stock footage shot a year earlier. Sure, the plot is nonsensical, the acting is horrible, and the effects are laughable. None of this matters because it’s a great little film and, now that you’ve seen how it all came together, I think you will appreciate it on a level that you couldn’t before.

Snacks to be served: the cheapest crap you can get at the local dollar store.
Don’t miss: The famous cockpit scene. You will believe that a shower curtain can fly!

9:51PM - 12:00AM
Dawn of the Dead
Directed by George A. Romero
129 mins

The remake had a higher body count and upgraded effects, but nothing says zombies like the original. George Romero wrote and directed this film, the first and best sequel to the classic Night of the Living Dead. Romero explores the blind consumerism that had begun to grasp American society with the invention of a great new concept…the mall. A group of survivors does their best to fight off the throngs of flesh chomping animated corpses while at the same time, enjoying the avarice of being able to help themselves to anything in any of the stores. It’s a concept that has been imitated many times, but never done as effectively as here.

Snacks to be served: Just grab something from the food court.
Don’t miss: That zombie is getting awfully close to the chopper blades…WHOA!

Saw V --- v. disappointing.

2008-10-25T21:28:00.008-04:00

Saw V
Directed by David Hackl
Twisted Pictures / Lionsgate

It's not often anymore that films are released to theaters that I absolutely have to see as soon as they appear - the day of release, sometimes even at midnight (see Sex and the City: The Movie). In 2004, when Saw came out, something about it intrigued me and I saw it the day after its release. I went to a 4pm showing by myself because a friend wanted me to preview it and report back as to how many times a clown was on screen. When I walked out of the theater, I called her immediately and told her that she was seeing the film that night at 10pm...yes, I saw the original Saw twice in one day. Needless to say, each time a new Saw installment appeared, I was excited to see it. Granted, my elation upon leaving the theater diminished a bit each time, but I've enjoyed all of the four films. My rationale: as long as they keep surprising me, I'll continue seeing them (and enjoying them, as the case appeared to be). Based on all of this, it seems I'll be skipping Saw VI.

I can barely muster the words to express my deep disappointment in Saw V. While previous sequels in the series have flashed back to their predecessors, this particular bore-fest (yes, I said BORE-fest..not gore-fest) regurgitated far too much and created far too few new and intriguing plot elements.

It's difficult to summarize the plotline for a film such as this. The Saw films follow a number of victims of a man nicknamed Jigsaw and the audience sits in pained suspense and anguish as these people fight for their lives trying to escape elaborate "games" set for them. Jigsaw has never killed anyone -- he has given them a second chance at life, but at his "victims' " choosing. Those who do not appreciate what they have chance waking up in some ungodly contraption that will challenge their thresholds for physical and mental pain.

Each film has brought a kill at the opening that is very unsettling. A victim comes to consciousness in a trap and a video screen bearing the image of a white-faced clown puppet turns on. A voice informs the victim of the rules, asks him/her to make a choice, and disappears; then the game begins. Saw V is no different. We see the game set forth for a man named Seth (Joris Jarsky) who has brutally murdered a woman and, well, let's just say Edgar Allan Poe would be exceptionally proud of the torture game Seth has to play. The film moves on to pick up where Saw IV left off -- in the same warehouse operating room where John/Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) lays dead. FBI Agent Strahm (Scott Patterson) and Detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) lurk about in the building looking for survivors. Hoffman rescues a little girl; Strahm finds himself in a tricky situation -- and teaches us how helpful a pen kept in your pocket really can be.

The rest of the film gives the audience two plotlines - one that shows us a multi-player game (think Saw II but nowhere near as interesting or well-executed...no pun intended) and one about Jigsaw's second accomplice...yes, there was another one. Amanda (Shawnee Smith) is no longer with us and we discover about this second person's extensive involvement in the games of the past. This is where an awful lot from the previous films make up the plot of the fifth.

One of my largest complaints about the plotlines to the more recent installments is the humanization of Jigsaw. The best horror villians are the iconic characters who keep getting up again and somehow come back to life ready to fight another day. In the first Saw film, we learn that Jigsaw is a man suffering from cancer, and because of this, we are willing accept Amanda's help and involvement in the conclusion of the second film. In Saw V, Jigsaw's backstory and flashbacks are no longer interesting or palatable. The scenes involving his ex-wife Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell) make very little impact (perhaps she's the focus of the upcoming Saw VI). Hitchcock would roll in his grave if he was aware of what could also be construed as the MacGuffin of this film. (Please, I hope that wasn't the intention). The second accomplice is boring to watch and is played by an actor whose performance makes him rival Kristen Stewart for the Wet-Mop-of-the-Year Award.

The multi-player game, while inducing some cringing and squirming (though nothing compared to the previous films), is rushed and has little-to-no connection to the rest of the film. It appears as if the filmmakers threw this part in to keep the masses happy -- and they fail miserably. Of the players, Carlo Rota (Morris from TV's 24) is the only one with any spunk, but we just don't get enough of him. He is, arguably, the most dynamic of the film's entire cast.

The tagline for this film is, "You won't believe the ending." As I said earlier, as long as these films surprised me, I would continue seeing them. I'm not the kind of person who tries for two hours to crack the codes and puzzles put before me. I'll think about it, but generally, I sit back and let the story unfold. Unfortunately, not only did I believe the ending of Saw V, I guessed it as well. Both the "trick" to the multi-player game and the ultimate resolution of the film were simple and straightforward and I was sorely disappointed when I realized that I had been let down by one of my favorite series of films.

While Saw VI is already in the works, hopefully, the release will be nothing more than a straight-to-DVD campaign. I think most Saw fans will agree with me - this is one series we've seen enough of.

Saw V is now playing in theaters.

1,440 Minutes of Screams, Thrills, and Gore!!

2008-10-21T22:34:00.003-04:00

What better way to spend Halloween than with the celluloid treats that scare us the most. Each of the writers of this blog have compiled their own 24 Hour Halloween Movie Marathan, timed down to the minute. There will be a 1-minute intermission between each film to allow time for quick comments, changing the DVD and possibly changing your underpants. We hope you enjoy our entries as much as we enjoyed writing them!!

My objective in this marathon is to hit many notes compared to maintaining one common theme. I am taking the "grab-bag approach;" giving everyone a wide selection of the horror genre and a taste of some of my most beloved films. I also aim to point out
the horrific elements of my selections; which might sway you and offer you a glimpse at the method to my madness. Happy Nightmares.

12AM - 1:28AM
The Wicker Man
Directed by Robin Hardy
88 mins

If you can imagine Gone Baby Gone meets The Devil's Rejects, just with softer music and more Scottish Highlands landscape, you're in for a treat. Sadly, had this film been made centuries ago, it would have sparked some controversy and even a war. The Wicker Man tries to frighten us with devilish thoughts of polytheism, human sacrifices and massive orgies. I'm shaking in my boots. It is worth watching by all means; it is a great story, though the message I received was one of: "Thank goodness we have only one god. We'd go crazy with multiple gods and be forced to sacrifice our children to ensure a better harvest." I am proud to say that message ain't growing on me.

Horrific Elements: The Occult, Human Sacrifices, Numerous Bouncing Sets of European Breasts

1:29AM - 2:49AM
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats
Directed by George Barry
80 mins

If you weren't scared by the occult, you'll certainly think twice before laying down on your favorite futon after seeing Death Bed. A demon falls in love with a young woman, but when she dies, his sadness infects a bed. Said piece of furniture becomes indestructible and develops an insatiable appetite for human flesh. When you think it couldn't get any worse, the soul of one of its victims now haunts a painting and comments on the carnage the bed reeks. What frightens me most in this film is that they actually attempt to be visually appealing with their choice of lighting, camera movement and cinematography. This demonic piece of furniture won't put you to bed, but will leave you wondering how low a horror movie can go.

Horrific Elements: Haunted Furniture, Disturbingly Artistic, If Hammer Horror Films Discovered Acid

2:50AM - 4:20AM
Cube
Directed by Vincenzo Natali
90 mins

I admire this picture for its story and more for its production value. This film was made ages before Saw but still maintained the core production idea: shoot in one location for as much as the story as you can. The filmmakers designed one room, and easily changed the color gels on the outside to make it appear as if it were an adjacent one; a new room. Aside from The Edge and a few special effects, the production never left that room, and I admire them for maintaining their sanity and having it not reduced to cinematic cabin fever. Even Saw had to ditch the bathroom set for at least 20 collective minutes in their story.

Horrific Elements: Claustrophobia, Super Fine Nets that Cut Through Flesh and Bone, Many Many Numbers

4:21AM - 6:33AM
The Exorcist: The Version You've Never Seen
Directed by William Friedkin
132 mins

I only thought puppets could twist their heads completely around. I was wrong. This film is a sordid reminder that something terrible can happen to any one at any minute. Our poor Regan did nothing wrong in her life, yet her body seemed to be the perfect party to hit for a demonic entity. She wasn't at a camp, smoking the pot and having premarital sex; she was an innocent girl. That dark reality is more frightening than any serial killer by far.

Horrific Elements: Spinning Heads, Foreign Tongues, Locations Crucifixes Should Never Venture To

6:34AM - 7:41AM
Cabinet des Dr. Caligari., Das
Directed by Robert Wiene
67 mins

Beware the fortune tellers, for they not know the future, but they will certainly try to mold it. This German Expressionist film was the basis for Rob Zombie's "Living Dead Girl" music video, though the original still terrifies me more. It is a deep story surrounding a traveling magician who shows off Cesare, a somnabulist (sleep-walker). It is a very elaborate and dark tale of intrigue, murder and questioning moral certainties.

Horrific Elements: 2-Dimensional Sets Representing 3-Dimensional Space, Traveling Magician and Psychic, Somnambulism, German Expressionism

7:42AM - 9:19AM
Session 9
Directed by Brad Anderson
97 mins

Session 9 has carved out a small place in my heart, not only for its chilling story, but also for the fact that I was able to visit Danvers State Hospital (where the movie was filmed) in Danvers, Massachusetts before its historic committee lost its battle and said creepy building was demolished to make way for condominiums. The hospital gave birth to the frontal lobotomy and was known for its harsh treatment of patients up until the 1960s.

On a happier note, I hear the tenants of the newly-constructed apartments are not enjoying their stay. I'm sure the 1,200+ bodies buried underneath the soil on the grounds aren't enjoying their new friends either.

Horrific Elements: Kubrickian Dehumanization, The Location Was Actually Haunted in Real Life, America's Mental Health System [Past and Present]

9:20AM - 10:24AM
Freaks
Directed by Tod Browning
64 mins

For once, a normal human being is the real enemy in this one: not some deformed killer or mutated murderer. It is sad that some time ago, a film like this was banned because it featured more-than-unique people. It speaks a lot about humanity. If people were detested by Freaks then and are detested now by films like Hostel, where will cinema be in another 50-60 years from now, in terms of gore/gross-out factor? The actors featured in this received the credit they deserved. Before you cringe under the tent at the circus again, remember there is another human you're gawking or relaying negative emotion to.

Horrific Elements: Circus Sideshows, Death By Poison, Trophy Wife Greed,

10:25AM - 12:00PM
Slither
Directed by James Gunn
95 mins

Slither is almost snack-dab in the middle of this list, because I wanted to remind viewers and readers that these films are fake and are meant to solely entertain. And what better film to choose than one involving alien slugs prepared to intrude any orifice on the human body to use it as a host. Slither makes me laugh for its near-acid-trip-reincarnation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I always snicker when I cuddle up with Slither.

Horrific Elements: Slugs, Giant Fat Women, Michael Rooker

12:01PM - 1:47PM
Espinazo del diablo, El
Directed by Guillermo Del Toro
106 mins

Spanish horror from the demented, yet beautiful mind of Pan's Labyrinth director Guillermo Del Toro. The Devil's Backbone, to me, acted as a prelude to what he had in mind to show his audiences years later. Del Toro reminds us that not every horror movie has to have a survivor, let alone the hero surviving. Horror and evil does not need to have a prerogative or purpose; sometimes it is just there and will stay until it is matched. And matching it is never an easy challenge in any of Del Toro's worlds.

Horrific Elements: Children Ghosts, Orphanages, War-Torn Families

1:48PM - 3:47PM
The Birds
Directed by Alfred Hitchcock
119 mins

It sure beats Anaconda, but when I thought of the deadliest animal horror movie, this was the first film to come to mind. Up until the 1900's, birds ruled the skies. We had mastered the land and sea, but the skies still remained a mystery to us. And as I watched The Birds, I pondered if we belong up there til this day. Had we taken the path of zeppelins as methods of sky travel(and bypassing the Hindenburg disaster), a flock of seagulls would only need to peck a couple of times to take one down. Even though some aircraft can now achieve speeds in upwards of Mach 5, I always remember; the birds reign and always will.....

Horrific Elements: Vicious Animals, Death From Above, Nature Winning Against Man

3:48PM - 5:14PM
Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives
Directed by Tom McLoughlin
86 mins

I know I'll catch hell for this one. Out of all of the serial killers (Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, etc.), Jason Voorhees always struck a nerve with me. You want to feel sympathetic for his condition and if you were a camp counselor, would you frequent the same location that was massacred three or four times over in previous years? I also credit this film for having a death scene that rivals the infamous and fan favorite sleeping bag slaughter of Part VII.

Horrific Elements: Serial Killer, Sheriffs Getting Bent in Half The Wrong Way, Business Outing Massacres

5:15PM - 7:41PM
The Shining
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
146 mins

Kubrick has been known to exploit the worst conditions in humans. And I praise him for it. However, what frightened me more than Jack Torrance's mental breakdown in this picture was its horrifying symmetry. The extensive length of some single camera shots allows us to take the journey with Jack, and remind us that a lunatic lives in all of us. But it only takes a secluded location and a nasty case of writer's block to summon it. Redrum!!

Horrific Elements: Kubrickian Dehumanization, Writer's Block, Scatman Crothers, Seclusion, Mazes in The Snow

7:42PM - 9:02PM
Banpaia hantâ D
Directed by Toyoo Ashida & Carl Macek
80 mins

This list did deserve an anime entry, and what better choice than my favorite Saturday Anime selection from Sci-Fi Channel. Even Demon City Shinjuku didn't have the vast array of demon creatures as this one did. Shinjuku has a two-headed dog (double the dog treats); D has another face on D's hand (double the witty banter). A rumor rises that Leonardo Dicaprio is rejuvenating Akira, in a live-action form; why not Vampire Hunter D as well? Or was that Van Helsing? -cringe-

Horrific Elements: All Forms of Grotesque Animated Creatures, Western Style Anime, A Dracula That Acts Like A Detroit Pimp

9:03PM - 10:37PM
Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens
Directed by F.W. Murnau
94 mins

The First. The Original. The Deranged. I don't care how many straightedge blades Gary Oldman licks up; the silent and stalking Max Schreck sends shivers down my spine every time. In a time when facial prosthetics were in their newborn stages, you lost track of where Schreck ended and they began. I admire most for the simple tactics that created the most horrifying sights burned into my memory. They killed almost all the lights on the set, laid Schreck down on a dark plank of wood, and lifted him up, using his feet as the pivot point. What resulted was the harsh fact that vampires could exist on the silver screen, and be pretty damn frightening.

Horrific Elements: Max Schreck, Lack of Sound, Cheap Producers Who Refused to Pay for Novel Rights

10:38PM - 12:00AM
The Monster Squad
Directed by Fred Dekker
82 mins

I chose The Monster Squad last because its not always about the bone-chilling thrills and stomach-turning gore of a movie; its about the amazing test of cinema. Who, in this day and age, could ever pitch a film involving The Little Rascals pitted against the Universal Monsters and expect to get it greenlit? No one. Absolutely no one. But someone, twenty years ago, had the kahonies and imagination to make one of the best cult horror films in cinema history. An extremely well-balance film, it deserves the praise Fred Dekker has received for it by fans from all over the world. Can't he get back to Hollywood for more of these treasures.

Horrific Elements: A Dracula Prepared to Kill Children, Sexy Killer Vampiric Brides, The Painful Discovery That a Wolfman Has Nards, Gilman Enjoying Twinkies, A Peeping Frankenstein's Monster

**Now its your turn!! In your comments back to us, leave us your slate rate, as we do with our reviews.**

Worth the Exposure

2008-10-13T14:48:00.007-04:00

Quarantine

Directed by John Erick Dowdle

Screen Gems

On the surface, Quarantine seems to be just another in a long line of films using what appears to the new trend in suspense - first-person point-of-view, handheld camera footage present ing confusing images that add to the audience's discomfort. It worked like a charm in 1999 with The Blair Witch Project and in 2007's Cloverfield. It is, however, becoming the new cliche - movies like Diary of the Dead or the apparently stalled-release-date Poughkeepsie Tapes (ironically directed by Dowdle as well) don't seem as popular as some would hope. Quarantine does manage to hit the mark in a number of ways, but it stumbles around for a time trying to find some solid footing before it gets there.

Jennifer Carpenter - an actress who appears to be carving out quite the niche for herself in the horror genre (Exorcism of Emily Rose and Dexter are both solid resume lines) - plays Angela Vidal, a journalist shadowing firefighters in LA. The film begins with the standard messing-around type footage we've come to expect: a standard night in the firehouse - complete with amateur pole-sliding, locker room antics, and waiting, waiting, waiting for a call. She and her cameraman Scott (Steve Harris) share a few inside jokes based on the fact that the firefighters forget their mics are still on and talk about Angie behind her back; she puts them in their place and the night continues. When a call does finally come through, Angie and Scott join Fletch (you wouldn't know it, but played by Johnathon Schaech) and Jake (Jay Hernandez) on the truck to a building where police have already arrived. They investigate a disturbance in an old woman's apartment and chaos ensues.

John Erick Dowdle and co-screenwriter, producer, and brother Drew Dowdle adapted Quarantine from the 2007 Spanish film [Rec]. A single-location setting in an apartment building allows for claustrophobia to set in, closely followed by panic once the authorities barricade all exits and everyone, including the firefighters and police officers, become trapped inside. They are attacked by what can best be described as contemporary zombies (you know - red eyes, really fast, really lethal) and the concern centralizes on getting everyone out safely.

Like in Cloverfield, the viewers never really get any concrete answers as to what causes the infection. Lawrence (Greg Germann), a vet who lives in the building, offers his best diagnosis - rabies. Yet rabies, we learn, doesn't manifest so quickly, and it appears that the CDC (Center for Disease Control) techs who arrive on the premises don't know what it is, either.

While watching this film, I was getting tired of the same ol' thing - fast-moving zombies, jumpy, nausea-inducing camera movement, the urge to press pause so I could actually SEE what I was looking at during action sequences.

However, once Quarantine's second half rolled around, I was pleasantly surprised to become completely engrossed in the panic that set in as the remaining characters fought for survival. The pace picked up dramatically and my sympathies for them increased tenfold as I imagined I really would not have been able to hold it together had I been in their situation. The discoveries they make toward the end, while not really clearing up any mysteries, are intriguing enough to capture your attention as they stumble around - because, of course, the power has gone out and the battery for the light on the camera has pretty much gone kaput. The last few sequences are certainly unsettling, and the boredom that threatened to sink this film had completely dissipated.

When I go to the theater to see a horror film, I want something exciting, riveting, and new. While Quarantine may not be presenting anything all that new, it certainly is exciting, and, by the end, wholly riveting. Definitely worth a look this Halloween.

Quarantine is now playing in theaters.

What's scary is the writers thought they were surprising us

2008-10-11T20:24:00.003-04:00

Crazy Eights

Directed by James K. Jones

IKM Productions / After Dark Films

'Tis the season and I would like to take it upon myself as resident horror geek to review a number of horror movies for you kind readers. I plan on bringing you reviews of new horror movies to which I subject myself in the upcoming few weeks, but also of some you might have missed along the way that you should definitely check out - especially when snuggling at home with a loved one on October 31st, ignoring the doorbell. But anyway, on with the show --

--too bad it's this particular flick with which I begin. Crazy Eights is one of the second batch of the 8 Films to Die For by After Dark Pictures. The Horrorfest, which appears to be a nice new tradition (though "this year's" won't be occurring until January 2009), offers fans 8 new horror flicks at a time - independent films that aim to scare the bejesus out of you. Oftentimes, they're cast with little known actors, and occasionally, you get a face you recognize. The point, however, is to shock you and impress you with how well a small movie can frighten you. So far, nothing has really stood out to me (with the exception of Penny Dreadful, a film starring Kristen Stewart, who has less acting ability than a mop - that movie was truly dreadful). Anyway...to get back on point...

Starring a few recognizable faces, Crazy Eights is the story of six childhood friends who reunite at the death of one of their own, Brax. As they explore his home, they find odd items stored in a box left for them. Among photos and other mementos, Brax leaves his pals a map to a time capsule. Out of respect, they follow the map to the second floor of an old barn (I always thought time capsules were buried, but what do I know?) which contains an old trunk - inside they find old toys, a slingshot, and (Gasp!) a rotted corpse. In their fear, they leave the trunk behind and try to leave; however, they find they keep passing the same old white house and eventually go inside to get directions home. The six become trapped in the house, explore its corridors, and discover mysteries abound within.

Sounds like a really promising idea for a film. With the success of one-location movies like Saw and Cube, Crazy Eights has the right premise, but a very poor execution (and I don't mean the deaths of its characters). We're told very early on that years ago, children were experimented upon and their families were compensated. We're also told that many of these children were never heard from again. Then we're faced with this creepy big house and within 20min or so, we've figured out the point. The plot runs like a junior-high-schooler's short story for English class - it's jumpy, it's overly-convenient, and the "mystery" we're supposed to be so shocked by is both easily assumed from the beginning and also "mysterious" only because the writers don't tell us everything up front. There aren't really clues or puzzles for us to figure out - it's more of a "we're not going to tell you everything up front" sort of setup. The issue with this is that it's not shocking when we are finally told the truth. The reveal is a poor excuse for dramatic irony - sure, the audience knows more than the characters, but only because we're obviously not as idiotically dense as they appear to be.

Dina Meyer (of Starship Troopers and Saw I, II, III, IV fame) plays Jennifer who teaches psychology (I think) and focuses her lesson on guilt and remorse. Lyle (George Newburn - of television's Providence and Chicago Hope, along with a spattering of independent films like Friends and Lovers) has become a priest, and Gina (Traci Lords -um...yeah...we know what she's done in her career.... and Stephen King's The TommyKnockers!) just seems to have issues. One of the screenwriters / producers, Dan DeLuca, plays Wayne - a character who just seems grumpy and clumsy, as he falls down perfectly good steps out of NOWHERE and breaks his leg. The other characters aren't even worth mentioning as they simply argue with each other, insult each other, and disrespect each other while trying to return to their separate lives.

These people do not strike me as actually being friends, but that could just be the bad acting and plot. Meyer and Newburn are the best in the film, but that's really not saying much as they're not given much with which to work. Yes, there are deaths; yes, there are jumps - but nothing to write home about.

At one point, they look at themselves in a photo - one where, I suppose, they're a baseball team self-titled "The Crazy Eights" and one makes a comment that they must not have been very smart, since you need nine people for a baseball team. In the season of baseball playoffs and the World Series...avoid being one of the not-so-smart people watching this movie. Stick to the great American pasttime instead...but keep reading, since I'll bring you some better options for Halloween viewing soon.

Crazy Eights is available on DVD.

Half of Writing History is Hiding The Truth

2008-09-18T22:55:00.009-04:00

Bloodline
directed by Bruce Burgess
Cinema Libra Distribution

Before I start this, I'd like to remind you all that I do not believe in a "sky bully." Though, if you do, I do not judge. Everyone in entitled to their beliefs. To each his own.

Many thought the pillars of heaven were shaken with Dan Brown's movie adaptation of his bestselling controversial novel, The Da Vinci Code, but now, Bloodline provides a continued adventure in the search for truth in the history of Christianity.

What is taken away from The Da Vinci Code is that there is a secret organization, the Priory of Sion, that is guarding the "ancient truths and mysteries" about Jesus Christ: that he and Mary Magdalene were in fact married and produced children. Additionally, his crucifixion was true, however his death faked. In fact, the theory is that Jesus died 22 days after he was crucified, and Mary and their children traveled to France and began a royal bloodline. And now she has long since passed, but the bodies of her and Jesus are resting in a tomb in Rennes-le-Chateau, France.

The poster above is from a stained glass window in Kilmore Church, Scotland. Focusing on the details, one will notice both Jesus and Mary are holding each other's right hands, which in fact denotes a state of marriage during their lifetime. And focus on her stomach, or rather the fact that she is hiding a bump, indicating her pregnancy. Throughout the film, the viewer is constantly reminded that all the clues are right in front of us, if we cared to look. Though discovering this knowledge could come with a hefty price.

I enjoy adventure films; even documentary adventure films. This documentary certainly keeps your heart racing as you watch the story of a film producer and an amateur archaeologist unfold. However, in a time of technological reinforcement, the filmmakers do not hand over their findings to the right people. On C.S.I.: Crime Scene Investigation, evidence is put through the ringer; every form of test to back up theories and hypotheses are exhausted until the truth is revealed. This film did not back up their findings, which weakened their theories. Is that why this documentary only premiered in 2 theaters in the nation? Or because we are still One Nation Under God, and anyone seeking to threaten that principle shall be quickly silenced?

A large question raised here is if in fact the filmmakers are correct, why would this conspiracy have started from the get-go? Christ was persecuted by the Jews, died and was buried. And according to the Bible, he was resurrected and ascended to Heaven. But step out of the normal story for a moment. Christianity did not flow like a river after Christ's crucifixion. In fact, it was not until 300 A.D. that Emperor Constantine converted the Byzantine Empire over to Christianity. Over those 270 years, who would they be hiding this grand conspiracy from? The 11 disciples who did not sell Jesus out? Some thing does not make sense, at least to me.

Burgess might not have won the evidence fight; but was that really the objective of the filmmakers? Or was their objective to rejuvenate the theory that Christ did not die on the throne, and in fact, was human and no Son of God? The Da Vinci Code has its reign at the box office, but reinforcement is the only way to be sure people learn and remember. Another question raised dates back to the original Da Vinci Code release. If it is in fact a work of fiction, as Dan Brown has stated it is, why did the Roman Catholic Church instantly condemn it and blacklist it? Dd Brown stumble too close to something which so easily transcends into the discoveries made in Bloodline? And as Gil Grissom from C.S.I. would so cleverly remind his audience: "Concentrate on what cannot lie: the evidence."

In Vino Veritas.

2008-09-03T21:57:00.009-04:00

Bottle Shock
Directed by: Randall Miller
Unclaimed Freight Productions

Based On A True Story

In wine, there is truth. And how fitting a quote it is.

I'm not one for attempting to defeat the French or other countries for that matter. I have never promoted Freedom Fries and probably never will. Their history far outweighs our own here in the United States. We can learn a lot from them; like their healthcare system. Bottle Shock takes the fundamentals of making wine and adds its own Californian twist to it. And I'm not talking about raisins here.

Alan Rickman has been lighting up the theaters with some marvelous performances as of late. His role in Snow Cake is certainly as admirable as his presence in this picture. As seen above, his "snooty-ness" almost consumes his character, but with one sweet drop of Napa Valley nectar, he so easily discards what other wine snobs cling to as their Bible for Wine.

The dynamic between the characters are like plant and harvester; they need each other. They feed off each other. They're like a pairing of Merlot and Pont l'Eveque cheese; apart they are powerful, but together marks true perfection. Bill Pullman paired with Chris Pine bring out the inner most turmoil of their dutiful-near-broke-father hippie-son relationship. An intern and the head wine chemist sitting before a California vineyard, sharing a fresh bottle of the season. And the traveling wine aficionado being begged by every wine maker in the valley to try a bottled culmination of their blood, sweat and tears.

This film isn't so much about a cultural revolution and the United States fighting to win yet another war. Deep down, it is about connection. A father and son are trying to reach common ground. A winery intern is searching for her place to call home. A workhand is fighting for his piece of the pie, bottled in his own label. And a wine connoisseur is trying to connect with his audience, who have not stepped foot into his wine shop in London for a while. Savor the taste while it lasts, because no other film has brought the essence of wine-making to the silver screen like Bottle Shock.

P.S. Rest In Peace Don LaFontaine: Movie trailers will never be graced with your voice to guide them again.

Juggling Blogs

2008-07-25T20:52:00.001-04:00

I felt the need to quickly apologize to those who may have seen the recent posts and have been confused by them. I have more than one blog I write for and as my computer was automatically logging me into Blogger, the posts for a different blog were appearing here.

I've since fixed the issue and it won't happen again! Sorry for the mixup! :)

Rules of The Road

2008-07-18T23:51:00.004-04:00

The Road
Written and Directed by Owen Thomas
Theoretical Films

Bob Marley said, "Life is one big road with lots of signs." Robert Frost told us about a day he came upon two roads diverging in a wood; he took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. Owen Thomas tells us of similar everyday roads in life in his short film, The Road. For a film barely five (yes, you read that correctly, FIVE) minutes long, The Road leaves an impact so dramatic and shocking, you are left stunned and maybe even feeling a little guilty. Maybe you'll re-evaluate how you live your life. Maybe you'll just have a private chuckle about a similar situation you've found yourself in. How could so short a film have that much of an effect? Good things come in small packages, as another well-known saying goes...one that I've used before, but it's well-warranted again with this film.

It has taken me far too long to share my enjoyment of this film, and I find it hard to give a summary of a five-minute masterpiece, but I'll do what I can, and with my apologies for keeping it from you for so long. The Road follows a number of people in their everyday lives doing everyday things: running, shopping, trying to catch that traffic cop from writing out a ticket. It also examines the world through a Pay It Forward kind of lens. Forgive the comparison, as The Road isn't a takeoff on that novel/film, but it does carry the same sort of feeling. It reveals the signs of life through the smile given to a man who helps a woman pick up her purse, or through the relief of a man who doesn't have to worry so much about running down the sidewalk anymore. We greet so many people in our lives and The Road masterfully acknowledges what changes we make in others simply through our presence.

The characters in The Road seem very simple, but they have many layers and you grow to love each one as their stories unfold. You laugh with them, hold your breath with them, and think to yourself, "Yeah, I'd do that, too." I asked Owen Thomas, the clever writer and director of this short film, where his inspiration came from. As I already stated, I thought of Pay It Forward and the Liberty Mutual commercials. "You nailed it," he told me. "[The idea came from] that commercial, along with an innocent interaction with a friend." This friend had waved someone ahead into traffic and Thomas thought of karma and how his friend had assisted this other driver in her travels on the road of life. Have you ever wondered where that person is heading after you pause to let him go ahead? Have you ever taken a moment to think about what a smile from you could do for a sad woman's day? Thomas's inspiration has developed into a film that answers some of those questions, and in a stunning way.

The charm of The Road is apparent throughout, but is truly revealed in the ending. Obviously, I can't tell you what it is, but I will tell you it's brilliantly clever and laugh-out-loud funny. I have long since lamented the loss of what I feel is decent comedy in theaters today (I really hate slapstick and gross-out comedies), and Thomas's film brings back the quick wit I've missed for so long. The intelligence and humor behind this film are sharp and refreshing. It was a genuine pleasure to watch The Road and I smile even now remembering my immediate reaction to it. Thomas's pleasure comes from his audience's reaction to the ending, as any director's would, but he revels in the thrill of watching his audience grapple with their thoughts - five minutes of your time makes a world of difference in Thomas's film.

The tagline for the film is "Karma...condensed." and I can't think of a better way to describe the overall feeling of the film. It's currently making the rounds in a number of film festivals and will be playing in California, Ohio, and even Japan in the next few months. If you live in the area, you must travel down your road to see Owen Thomas's The Road. Yes, it's so clever, it makes up for that cheesy wrap-up line of mine. Bob Marley's road has a lot of signs on it, and Owen Thomas's Road is no different...you just have to know how to interpret them, and how you affect the direction in which they send others.

For more information, you can visit The Road's official myspace page:
(http://www.myspace.com/theroadmovie )

Quite an Incredible Film

2008-06-24T19:14:00.006-04:00

The Incredible Hulk
Directed by Louis Leterrier
Paramount Pictures

I can hardly believe it. First, we were presented with the glory and wonder that is Iron Man on the silver screen (see my review here). Now, the second big superhero film has found its way to theatres and, although not quite as good as ol’ shell-head’s film, it is a damned fine addition to the list of great comic-to-screen movies.

This isn’t the first time the mean green machine has been committed to celluloid. The poorly reviewed and received Ang Lee interpretation of the character (Hulk, 2003) was cast aside for this new “reboot.” Frankly, I didn’t think it was all that bad, but recognized its over esoteric themes and heavy handed symbolism. Poor Eric Bana has been cast aside for A-lister Edward Norton who takes on the role of Bruce Banner, a scientist whose desire to help mankind compels him to use himself as a guinea pig. The end result - he turns into a giant green juggernaut whenever he gets angry.

No real hero would be complete without a significant other. This film gives us Liv Tyler as Dr. Betty Ross, Bruce’s main squeeze. She’s trying to help Bruce stay under the radar while he searches for a cure. Betty’s dad, General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross (played brilliantly by the amazing William Hurt) doesn’t feel that Bruce is good enough for his little girl, and unfortunately for them, he has the whole of the US Army on his side to support his point. All Banner and Betty have is Dr. Samuel Stern (Tim Blake Nelson), a colleague who is trying to find an answer to their problem.

Ok so, see if you can follow this. Bruce wants to get rid of the monster within him for a number of reasons. First off, it nearly killed Betty the first time he changed. Second, it’s a huge social crippler for him because if he gets too excited for any reason, he gets big, green, and starts hurling SUV’s all over the place. Third, he knows that General Ross wants to use The Hulk as a military weapon and, like any morally-bound scientist, Banner cannot let that happen.

So he’s on the lam and doing pretty well. Of course, if he’d managed to stay hidden then we wouldn’t have a movie so eventually he slips up and the government tracks him down. Not wanting to take any chances, they hire a team of top notch mercenaries led by super spy Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth) to take Banner down. Naturally, the whole thing goes to hell and the Hulk takes out everyone but Blonsky, who vows revenge.

Long story short (too late), Blonsky and Ross decide to try to make their own monster, creating The Abomination, a creature stronger and smarter than The Hulk. This culminates in an earth-shaking final battle, the likes of which have never been seen on film before.

It is notable to mention that there are a number of tributes to the original television series from the 70’s including the origin story, a cool cameo from Lou Ferrigno (who also provides The Hulk’s voice), and repeated use of “The Lonely Man” theme song. You remember it…whenever an episode of the TV show ended and the late great Bill Bixby would walk off alone, it played that simple piano tune. I felt goose bumps, folks, goose bumps. What an awesome blast from the past!

The film blends fine acting with pretty decent CGI to create an exciting and rich story. Norton is great as Banner and Tyler plays her role amply, but I think the real star performances in this film come from William Hurt and Tim Blake Nelson, both of whom embrace their characters and add depth to otherwise shallow emotional pools. Between Nelson’s bug eyed enthusiasm and Hurt’s tooth grinding determination, I wasn’t sure who to cheer on. I think, in the end, I just cheered.

Let me drop a line to all my fanboy and fangirls out there. The final battle between The Hulk and The Abomination actually brought a tear to my eye because it was exactly what an old comic book geek like me has always wanted to see. In addition, without giving too much away, expect to see a plethora of in-references designed to make those in the know wiggle and giggle in their seats. These include allusions to Captain America, The Leader, S.H.I.E.L.D., The Super Soldier Program, and Doc Sampson. To top it all off, Robert Downey Jr. shows up as Tony Stark to make another inference that The Avengers film will soon be here.

The Incredible Hulk is a film for everyone, whether you are a comic book fan, a lover of the original television series, or just someone who loves action films. It’s accessible, exciting, and fun. I left the theatre smiling, and I saw a lot of others with the same satisfied grin heading out into the lobby after the credits had rolled. Make no mistake, it’s a popcorn movie and won’t challenge you emotionally or intellectually, but it will give you two hours of serious entertainment.

Two superhero films down and two home runs have been hit out of the park so far. We have a few more before this season is over. I hope that Hellboy 2, Hancock, and The Dark Knight know that they have some pretty big green metal shoes to fill.

The Incredible Hulk is now in theatres.

Bad Acting Prevents Much from Happening at the Theater

2008-06-22T16:44:00.004-04:00

The Happening
20th Century Fox
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan

I am a huge M. Night Shyamalan fan. I've loved every movie he's released (since The Sixth Sense...I haven't gotten my hands on his earlier, less mainstream work...anyone know where I can get it?). Yes, that includes Unbreakable, his superhero movie, The Village, which no one appreciates since they couldn't get past the advertising, and, yes, even Lady in the Water, which is probably my favorite...maybe edged out by Sixth Sense. I've loved his vision since Haley Joel Osment told us he saw dead people; it continued through Mel Gibson's use of a carving knife to peer under a pantry door in Signs, past Bryce Dallas Howard reaching, trustingly, for Joaquin Phoenix's hand in The Village, and into the haunting score by James Newton Howard in Lady. I'm a dreamer, always have been, and the reason I love reading and film so much is because the best ones make you forget you're in a chair staring at words on a page or in a darkened theater with hundreds of people whose cell phones won't stop ringing. I love make-believe and it's one of the reasons I love Shyamalan's work so much...he makes you believe. Some critics have accused him of lying to his audience, and negatively. Isn't that the point? Don't we want to be lied to for a time? To escape the harshness of reality? I love the fantasy world and the supernatural and I am drawn to it in my leisure time. One of Shyamalan's greatest talents is getting his public (or at least, I can speak for myself) to believe every word, every character, every moment...and that's why I was so disappointed in The Happening.

The Happening begins with some of the most chilling scenes on film. The disaster movies of the '70s frightened me most because of their realism and, mainly, because of their panic scenes. I still feel sick when I see those kinds of scenes in ANY movie -- scenes where people trample each other to get out of a tight space; as a result, I'm slightly claustrophobic in crowds. What Shyamalan does in his film, however, is eliminate the panic. No one runs, no one screams...all you see are people frozen in place in a park. You watch as a girl observes her friend struggle to speak, then slowly bring a hairpin to her throat. You stand with a construction foreman who's witnessed a co-worker fall to his death and then stand agape as others follow from their lofty heights. You feel that same panic from the old disaster flicks like The Poseidon Adventure, or Earthquake, or The Towering Inferno, but no one's running or being trampled...they're all simply killing themselves.

Mark Wahlberg stars as Elliot Moore, a science teacher who wracks his brain to figure out what's going on in the northeastern states. His opening scenes in the classroom, to this particular teacher, are unrealistic -- he doesn't have the ease we do with our students and the students are FAR too attentive. :) The reality comes through when a female administrator comes through the door and he lurks about the room saying, "The Dark Lord...don't look into her eyes!" and the students chuckle with him...that particular moment strikes home. Forgive me my one moment of personalized criticism...I doubt any non-educator would notice much about the stagnancy of the classroom in this scene.

The teachers are gathered into the auditorium and are told by the principal, played far too briefly by Alan Ruck (Cameron from Ferris Bueller!), that strange things have happened in Central Park in NY and the students are being sent home. Moore and his good friend Julian (John Leguizamo) decide they want to gather in upstate NY, since the occurrences in the Park are suggested to be terrorist-related. Moore calls his wife, Alma (Zooey Deschanel), and collects her on his way to the train station where they meet Julian and his daughter. There is a subplot here concerning Alma's dedication to their marriage and an animosity between her and Julian, as Julian is fiercely protective of Elliot's well-being. It's a nice depiction of friendship, but the storyline coupled with the acting falls flat.

After the train stalls out in a very small town in Pennsylvania, the group collects in a diner with other passengers who find out that similar "happenings" have occurred in Philidelphia - the city from which they've reccently fled - and other major cities. Everything is happening in city parks, however, and this adds to the mystery -- it's definitely not terrorism. The movie continues on, and eventually gives a source for these happenings, but that's only one part of the film.

The Happening also focuses on personal interaction, which is not uncommon at all for Shyamalan. His love for character study is apparent in all of his other films and is a big part of his script development. A lot of the story focuses on Elliot and Alma and their desperation to find a safe locale to ride out the storm, so to speak. They are joined by quite a few interesting characters, many of whom are far more enjoyable than our main protagonists, but are, sadly, easily expendable. The film is also about isolation, which is another interesting theme of Shyamalan's. Often, his characters are put into situations where they feel like the only people in the world - the outside is cut off from their lives and they are focused solely on themselves. The same thing happens here, and in much more dramatic and literal ways.

There are, however, huge issues with the movie. The acting is simply terrible, and extremely disappointing, considering the cast and writer (Shyamalan himself, again). Wahlberg's dialogue is forced and unrealistic - a scene in a field where he "realizes" there's a house nearby and calls everyone's attention to it is especially strange and unnatural. I've already mentioned his shortcomings as a realistic teacher, but he's no better with his wife, friend, or Julian's daughter. Jess, the young girl, is practically mute, and just comes off as a doll being dragged from place to place. However, she has much more screen talent than Deschanel does in this film. Alma is vapid, blank, and heartlessly selfish and you cheer Julian in an enraged moment where he snarls at her to "not take [his] daughter's hand unless [she] means it." These protagonists are not sympathetic, and are not realistic enough to gain our loyalty. Even the close of their story to us, which should be emotional in SOME way, seems contrived.

The Happening's ultimate resolution is, in some ways, a non-resolution, but not in the way you'd expect. Many people are trained to enter a Shyamalan film with the expectation that there's a trick ending. The truth, as evidenced by Lady in the Water, is that there need not be a trick to be very Shyamalan. That's not to say there's no trick here...but I reveal nothing. Never any spoilers from me! There is a message here, but it's marred by the hideous acting and the disappointing plotline. Unfortunately, as a fan, I've been let down by a favorite director, and I would skip this one if I were you; there's not much Happening here.

The Happening is now playing in theaters.

Lesson #1: Don't Answer the Door at 4AM

2008-06-07T17:37:00.005-04:00

The Strangers
Directed by Bryan Bertino
Rogue Pictures

You would think the title of this review is a "duh" statement...something we with common sense would understand without having to be told. You would also think a movie connected with it would be terribly boring and insulting. The first statement, I would hope, is correct; the second is completely untrue. This simple directive is what came to me immediately when the characters Kristen and James (played by Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, respectively) heard a knock on the door of their out-of-the-way summer home in The Strangers. They had just returned to the house after a wedding reception and when the knock occurs, it's very late at night (or very early in the morning, as the case may be).

A girl stands on the darkened stoop and asks if a friend is home. She obviously has the wrong house and Kristen and Jimmy tell her so. She leaves, but also leaves us with a very uneasy feeling. Jimmy twists the lightbulb in the outside lamp (hrm....) and the two go back inside to iron out some things. Kristen finds she's out of cigarettes and Jimmy goes out to buy some more for her...at 4AM. Yeah -- just what I would do, but I guess I'm not as nice as this guy is.

This is where the movie kicks into gear. The house is eerily quiet and Kristen wanders around, waiting for Jimmy to return. From the photo above, you can see what kind of dramatic irony to which the audience is now exposed. The movie is full of this kind of show-the-audience-what-the-character-doesn't-know stuff and it's really hair-raising. The effectiveness of this movie comes from how realistic it truly is and the fact that you could be this person, standing in your kitchen, and while you're trying to talk to your significant other on a cell phone, a man in a sack mask is standing behind you.

As the trailer clearly shows, the man and two females spend the rest of the night tormenting Kristen and Jimmy. The beauty of this film is not in the special effects, or the overwhelming gore, or the huge star-studded cast....because it has NONE of this. This film is awesome simply because it lacks what so many horror movies are overloaded with nowadays. The Strangers is very basic and the most money spent on this film went to its not-so-A-list cast. The terror in this movie comes from the anticipation of the kill - if it ever comes. The suspense is high-level and there's a ton of it. You would expect a suspense-laden film to get old about halfway through, but this one never does. There are moments you think you see coming, but they're still agonizing when they do and/or shocking when they don't. You feel deeply for these characters and the fact that they are truly out in the middle of nowhere in a neighborhood that's deserted. Isolation is a terrible thing, especially at 4AM.

One of the most frightening lines in this film is "Dollface's" response to Kristen's question, "Why are you doing this?" : "Because you were home." It sends chills down my spine just thinking of it now. Director Bertino's first foray into film is a heck of an accomplishment, recalling the classic horror movies of the '70s -- When a Stranger Calls, Texas Chain Saw Massacre, The Last House on the Left -- movies in which characters are tortured for no other reason than they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. The action in two of those aforementioned films happen in the home...the protagonists' homes. How many times have we rushed up the driveway, fumbled with our keys, opened and closed the door, locking it behind us before we breathed a sigh of relief and felt safe? Well, these films are telling us that even at home, we're in extreme danger. These are the kinds of horror movies we need more of -- the realistic, this-could-happen-to-me, I-don't-want-to-sleep-with-the-lights off kind. Keep it coming, Hollywood, and as for the rest of you...double-bolt your doors, keep the curtains drawn, and for Pete's sake....don't answer the door if someone knocks after 9PM.

The Strangers is playing now in theaters.

Abso-****ing-lutely Perfect

2008-05-31T15:57:00.003-04:00

Sex and the City: The Movie
Written & Directed by Michael Patrick King
New Line Cinema

At the end of the pilot episode for the HBO series Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) asks Mr. Big (Chris Noth) if he's ever been in love. With a wicked grin, he responds, "Abso-****ing-lutely." and drives away. Ten years ago, we were introduced to Carrie and we were as hooked as she was on Mr. Big's smile. Over the course of six seasons, audiences tuned in every Sunday evening to revel in the lives of characters created originally by columnist-turned-author Candace Bushnell and brought to life by writer-producer Michael Patrick King. We hung on every word and every relationship; we grew to love Carrie, Samantha (Kim Cattrall), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), and Charlotte (Kristin Davis) as if they were our own friends; we fell in love with each of their great loves and our hearts ached and broke when theirs did. My apologies to those who think I've lost my mind to the world of chick-flickdom, but this is one of my few girly indulgences. I also apologize to those who may have been offended by the show reference in my review title - those who know the show and love it as I do knew instantly what I was saying, and I couldn't think of a better way to begin.

The point is, after four years of syndicated re-runs and a number of stalled attempts, Sex and the City: The Movie has finally arrived in theaters. Women everywhere are strapping on their Manolo Blahniks and heading out to theaters to reacquaint ourselves with four old friends. While I was probably the least fashion-conscious gal there, I was pleased to find that King has not let us down. The lights went down and the opening notes of Fergie's re-imagining of the show's theme song filled the room...as did the audience's appaluse. Obviously, I wasn't the only person excited for the great reveal of a film with a plot so tightly kept under wraps that the cast had taken to the refrain "Dream sequence!" to keep the masses at bay.

Fittingly, the film begins a few years after the series left off -- Carrie and Big are together and happy; Miranda and Steve (David Eigenberg) live in Brooklyn with their son Brady (Joseph Pupo) and the ever-present Magda (Lynn Cohen); Samantha and Smith Jerrod (Jason Lewis) have moved to Los Angeles and are giving monogomy a try (!); Charlotte is still living in happily-ever-after with her husband Harry (Evan Handler) and their adopted daughter, Lily (Alexandra and Parker Fong). Big and Carrie are apartment shopping and find real estate heaven - a penthouse with a terrace across the way from nirvana. The apartment has been vacated due to a nasty divorce, and Carrie, wit in tact, discovers the reason for the nastiness -- too-small closets. Her knight in shining black limousine tells her he will build her a proper closet. It's obvious that Mr. Big - John, as we found out in the series finale - has truly stuck to his word, that Carrie is the one and she's all he wants. Any fan of the show knows that he is truly all she has wanted, as well.

As a result of a visit to an auction of personal effects held by a woman jilted by her boyfriend, Carrie discusses security with Big and they decide to get married. This decision gets the plot rolling and it becomes intertwined with the lives of Carrie's best friends. Samantha visits New York far too often for Smith's liking, but she feels she has lost herself somehow in their relationship -- both personal and business. Miranda is feeling the pressure of her job and caring for her family and has begun to slip into her old critical ways - she's pushing Steve away again and their marriage is suffering a dry spell as a result. Charlotte, however, is living her lifelong dream - she is married, a mother, and blissfully happy. Interestingly, this seems to put her in the background as far as the movie plot goes, but there is no shortage of drama in this film, trust me.

As a devoted fan to the series, I refuse to give anything away here regarding plot details. Suffice it to say that there's a wedding, a trip to Mexico, a new personal assistant for Carrie, a surprise pregnancy, lots and lots of fashion - of the standard - everyday and also of the wedding-dress variety, and relationship heartaches and mending. The girls are definitely back in their primes, as the original cast seems to have picked up right where they left off. The boys are just as wonderful and you see why these are the men with whom our fabulous foursome have chosen to spend their lives. New to the world is personal assistant Louise (Jennifer Hudson) whose eager, wide-eyed search for love in New York reminds Carrie of herself as a 20-something. Louise knows her labels, however, and even reveals to Carrie that you can rent designer bags on the internet! (Who knew? We can be sure that people are trying to find out at this point, though, that's for sure!) Hudson is a perfect fit for this role and you grow to love her in 2 hrs and 20min as much as we've loved our girls for six seasons.

With a movie like this, audience reaction is everything. When and if HBO produces a Sopranos movie, they would be smart to take notes from Michael Patrick King. He knows how to reel us into the lives of his characters as if they had never left us and how to string us along the truths of lives, love, and labels to a resolution everyone will be satisfied by...at least I was. There's a lovely undertone of Cinderella in Sex and the City, one that's been around for ages, considering Carrie's obsession with shoes. It's tied in very well in the film, as a bedtime story for Lily and for us as well. Sure, chick flicks perpetuate the idea of happily-ever-after from our girlhoods, but maybe there's some truth in it. I'm willing to put some stock into it. I guess that means I'm a Charlotte. I'm sure you know which of our gals you are, too...just make sure that if you can identify yourself with one of these characters that you make it to the theater as soon as you can to enjoy this wonderful final hurrah from one of HBO's greatest original series.

Sex and the City: The Movie is now playing in theaters.

Indiana Jones and the Surprisingly Good, Though Separated by 19 Years, Fourth Installment

2008-05-26T17:10:00.012-04:00

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Directed by Steven Spielberg
Paramount Pictures

As we've all noticed by now, the summer blockbuster season has officially begun. We eagerly await this time of year the way three-year-olds, and some guys I've dated, watch the calendar for Christmas. There's nothing better than a slate of movies you absolutely just can't wait to see and this summer is no different. Thank goodness there's no schoolwork hanging over our heads when we trek to the nearest cinema to partake in some of Hollywood's greatest visual pleasures on a late Thursday night to be the first to see the greatest adventure since...well, last weekend. Most of these movies are highly anticipated (and marketed) to ensure a huge opening weekend. This year, while yes, we do have a new Batman installment (July 18), a refreshed look at the Hulk (June 13), and a new-to-some hero in the form of Robert Downey, Jr. (see review below), an old favorite has returned to the silver screen with hair to match there under his iconic fedora.

In March, Andrew posted a preview of the film in trepidation. Titled "Say NO to #4," the review is clearly representative of his feelings that a fourth should not have been made. Many, many of us felt the same. There are far too many brilliant franchises that have been revived, re-awakened, and re-visited, and there are many more on the way. However, this installment was not at all disappointing. Spielberg and George Lucas return to the old Indy with grace and cinematic style - Spielberg even going so far as to have the new cinematographer, Janusz Kaminski, study the work of retired Douglas Slocombe from the previous films to get the look of the adventures just perfect.

Even though it's been 19 years since The Last Crusade, Indy (Harrison Ford) falls back into his old patterns easily. Set in 1957, Kingdom begins with the hostile takeover of a military warehouse out in the desert. The Russians have some interest in a mysterious case in the warehouse and Dr. Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett) requires Dr. Jones's help to find it. Still the ever-wise-cracking and clever archaeologist, Indy causes trouble as only Indy can and the movie is off and running with action, wonderful stunt work, and laughter. Keep an eye out for a cameo by a favorite relic!

While traveling by rail one afternoon, Indy is lured off the train by a young greaser named Mutt Williams (Shia LaBeouf) who brings him disturbing letters sent by an old friend, Prof. Oxley. Indy learns Ox is obsessed with a crystal skull and he leads Mutt on a chase after Ox and a search for an ancient land where others worshipped the skull and its great powers. Along the way, the Russians intercept them and try to force Indy to help them once again. Indy, Mutt, the Russians, and we, the viewers, partake in an adventure that brings us to many beautiful lands and all kinds of creepy caverns and burial grounds - just as an Indiana Jones movie should.

The movie is ripe with adventure made all the more exciting with minimal CGI. While some franchise installments make the viewers pine for the good ol' days, Kingdom has all the feel of the Indys of old - sarcastic remarks made by our hero, cinematography that puts you right into the film, puzzles and mysteries galore, excting, high-paced action sequences, and creepy-crawlies to make our hero (and the audience) squrim...and squirm I did. Ick.

The casting in the film is superb - Blanchett plays Spalko masterfully and wields her rapier with determination and grace. She may not be a Nazi, but she's got strength and discipline. She is a force to be reckoned with in the jungle during a particularly exciting action sequence and it's clear she's taken her place in the echelon of Indy villians. LaBeouf's Mutt Williams is entertaining and clever - his motorcycle and switchblade skills help him out as much as his wit. Lately, LaBeouf is everywhere it seems, and it's no wonder. This actor has staying power, realism in his back pocket, and a delivery that makes you root for him. He's not going anywhere soon - perhaps the Tom Hanks of the new generation? He's likable, talented, and he can deliver drama and comedy simulatneously. We'll see.

One of the more interesting scenes is the return of Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) to Indy's world. She is also up to her old tricks, causing trouble and grinning that winning smile all the way. Sparks fly between these old co-stars and it's as if no time has passed at all since we last saw our favorite shot-throwing gal in Raiders. Though both return with some wear -wrinkles and all - some fires never go out completely and this one still has heart.

The skull itself and the mystery it carries are fascinating pieces of movie magic. They are also the main sources of contention with some moviegoers. You may love it or you may absolutely hate it. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. It's the one item that brings my rating down from perfect, due to the fact that I was so caught up in the visuals that I have yet to make up my mind. What any viewer will be unable to deny, however, is how brilliantly the story is told and how simple it is to be swept away by new adventure and scenery.

The mysterious crystal skull carries with it more than an ancient tribal power. It has the ability to bring us back almost 20 years to one of the most beloved adventure heroes ever - as if we never left. Granted, we're all older, but Indy is still the wiser, and perhaps so are Lucas and Spielberg. Personally, I wasn't a fan of the "new" Star Wars trilogy - I still feel it was best left alone at Jedi. Some think Lucas went off his rocker here again and may have ruined the classic Indiana Jones trilogy, which none can argue would have survived just fine as it was. While I agree the original three were spectacular, my feeling is that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull fits in as the piece we didn't know we had room for.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is now playing in theaters.

Get to the Theatre Before this Visitor is Gone

2008-05-18T22:21:00.007-04:00

The Visitor
Written and Directed by Thomas McCarthy
Overture Films

Back in 2003, I saw a film that changed my life. It starred three marvelous character actors portraying three incredibly well written characters. The film was called The Station Agent and was written and directed by Thomas McCarthy, who has graced the world of independent cinema with a new film. In The Visitor, McCarthy has managed to, once again, hit on all cylinders by delivering strong characters and a touching story while also addressing the state of our immigration system.

The Visitor stars Richard Jenkins (Six Feet Under) as widowed college professor Walter Vale. Walter has manage to fall into a decade long rut, satisfied to teach the same course over and over again while pecking away at his latest book. When he is forced to attend a symposium in New York, he is surprised to find two illegal aliens staying in his apartment. Desperate for some sort of spontaneity in his life, he allows the squatters to stay until they are able to find somewhere else to live.

The young couple are Tarek Khalil (Haaz Sleiman from 24), a Syrian musician, and Zainab (Danai Gurira in her motion picture debut), an artist from Senegal. The two have managed to stay under the radar by avoiding encounters with the law but, in a post 9/11 America, they know that any slip up could mean deportation or worse.

Walter finds himself inspired by Tarek’s African drumming and strikes a fast friendship with the young Arab. Soon they are playing together in the apartment and Central Park drum circles. However, just as things seem to be picking up, Tarek is arrested in the subway and sent to a detention center for illegal aliens. When Tarek fails to contact his mother Mouna (Haim Abbass from The Syrian Bride) for several days, she arrives on Walter’s doorstep looking for answers.

In order to allow Zainab and Mouna to communicate with Tarek, Walter puts his life on hold to visit him daily, each time seeing the young musician’s spark weakened by desperation and depression. Zainab isn’t much better as she finds her own sense of hope extinguished as she tries to figure out where Tarek’s imprisonment leaves her.

As if things weren’t complicated enough for Walter, he finds himself falling for Mouna and the couple find comfort in one others’ arms. This is where the film finds its complex center as issues of identity, loss, fear, and outrage are explored both on screen and in the minds of the audience. We root for their romance to succeed despite the fact that the deck is stacked firmly and legally against them.

McCarthy is a master at creating characters with whom we genuinely identify. For example, as Tarek’s situation becomes more and more hopeless, I found myself experiencing the same sense of anger and despair that Walter feels. Jenkins’ subtle performance relies on facial expression and posture to express his character’s helplessness. There is pain here, and the script, directing, and acting make it real enough to draw tears from even my cynical eyes (but if you tell anyone, I will deny it!).

During a season of blockbuster epics, there’s a great gem playing at your local independent cinema. Get yourself to the theater and catch The Visitor before it goes away. If you miss it, rent The Station Agent and count the days until The Visitor's DVD release.

The Visitor is currently playing in theatres.

Fessenden's "Last Winter" is All Play and No Work.

2008-05-14T02:10:00.007-04:00

The Last Winter
Directed By Larry Fessenden
IFC Films

This supernatural story centers around the human race's footprint on planet Earth and the soon-to-occur consequences. Mankind, or especially the U.S.A., is seeking to gain energy independence by sending a team of environmentalists into the Northern Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to determine if the area is prepared for oil drilling. Hitting a little close to home, isn't it? Well has Fessenden prepared a worthy cause and effect for you? You be the judge.

The above trailer leads you to believe many different things, which I will warn you, do not appear whatsoever in the film itself. And I doubt it was because of heavy cuts in the editing room. Its a disjointed attempt at a slanted message not striking its audience like a frying pan to the cranium, but more like a wave of chlorofluorocarbon-filled hairspray resting into someone's scalp; we know its up there but it isn't bothering us.

The latest X-Files movie is coming out this summer, so I didn't feel the need for this picture to provide a reminiscent prelude to one of my favorite television shows. And I doubt a basic audience was looking for a revision of The Shining packed with up-to-date events and controversies and Kubrickian dehumanization.

I'd like to pull out my "Ron Perlman Saved This Picture" card, but even he couldn't. I'll be saved by him in Hellboy 2: The Golden Army later this summer. James LeGros added a sincere, quasi-innocent approach to the mix A fresh cameo from the stiff-boarded Kevin Corrigan made the film bearable. I loved him from Grounded For Life, but I'll be the best to admit his performances are generated from the cookie-cutter. He's got that one performance down pat, and its provided him with steady work as of late.

This film suffered the same fate as Fessenden's Wendigo, which attempt to mix science, folklore legend and the supernatural all into one creature or situation. His message comes off as "Hey audience, you're ruining my planet. So stop or my creature will drive you crazy." I recommend driving past this exit on the movie rental superhighway. There's a smarter, more clever and certainly more polite way of getting your message to your audience - Fessenden just hasn't learned it yet.

I give this film a slate for the beautiful desolate scenics and the endless supply of white-covered helicopter shots. And an extra half-slate for the ethereal and haunting music.

The Last Winter is available on DVD on May 20th.

Bella: This Time The Winner Is... A Love Story.

2008-05-04T22:28:00.013-04:00

Bella
Directed by Alejandro Gomez Monteverde
Lionsgate

Name me a film recently released that has so beautifully reintroduced family values, tradition and redemption to an audience all inside of two hours? No film this year has even chipped away at the emotional iceberg of Bella, a story of love that changes the lives of three people forever.

As of late, too many films have shown how far someone can go the edge of the emotional spectrum. In The Machinist, we saw Trevor Reznik go the nether regions of human guilt, while in Away From Her we witnessed a 40-year-old marriage dissolve into a distant memory on account of Alzheimer's Disease. But these characters never come back. They stay there, at the raggedy edge. There is a small element of resolve with the above-stated characters, but nothing close to the extent director Monteverde explores.

What astonishes me is the unflinching surface of the main character, Jose (Eduardo Verástegui). At the start of the film, he is clean-shaven and hopeful - but in ten minutes, his chiseled face is now bearded, setting up a barrier that only he can break down. But to watch a man punish himself on the inside is often a difficult task. Most flawed characters with skeletons in their closets have some form of visual downside; alcoholism, smoking, cussing, not paying rent; the list could go on. But Eduardo Verástegui's inner pain is felt every moment you see him.

Bella jumps here and there to build the plot through flashbacks, and does so with ease. The situation that Nina (Tammy Blanchard) has gotten herself into is one easily accepted by audiences. Her own personal journey throughout this film is one of accepting herself and learning that regrets are something you can never change.

We see a glimpse into a Latin-American family, who accept the cards they've been dealt and live life as life; not as a job, not as a hand-me-down lifestyle. It is their own life, and they run with it and with grace. Bella is another diamond in the rough film. It ran the festival circuit and has gained a lot of well-earned press. The best journey is the one you can take to your video store and pick up this gem!!

Bella is available on DVD May 6th.

Clichéd Maid...er, Made

2008-05-04T16:49:00.004-04:00

Made of Honor
Directed by Paul Weiland
Columbia Pictures

As the leading lady of our humble filmic foursome, I find it my duty to get myself to the theater for the occasional chick flick, so as not to disappoint our feminine readers. We can't be ALL action, superheroes, and horror, now can we? Though I eagerly handed over my discount movie ticket to see Iron Man (see review below this one!) and though horror is my preferred genre, I decided to accompany my mother this afternoon to see the new Patrick Dempsey film My Best Friend's Wedding. No, wait, that had Julia Roberts. This one was The Wedding Planner. Nope. Wrong again. Have we seen this one before? Ye-ah...the understatement of the year. This go-round has been titled Made of Honor.

The film stars Dempsey as Tom, the inventor of "Coffee Collars" (those cardboard wraps around the Starbucks cups -- who knew?), who meets his best friend in college when he accidentally gets into her bed, thinking it's her roommate. It's actually not as funny as it sounds. Anyway, Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) gives him quite a few pieces of her mind and ten years later, they're spending every Sunday and each of Tom's father's weddings (6, to be exact) together as the closest of pals. When Hannah travels to Scotland for work, Tom is lost without her for six whole weeks. Being quite the womanizer (complete with rules about not seeing girls on back-to- back nights), he tries to fill their Sunday ritual with alternate pals. Quite obviously, this doesn't work and, during a few heart-to-heart chats with the boys during, what else, basketball games, he comes to realize that he loves Hannah and wants to be with her. Unfortunately, when she returns, she brings with her Colin (Kevin McKidd) who is tall, blond, and accented - Scottish, of course. They're engaged and Hannah wants Tom to be her Maid of Honor.

What follows is Tom's plan to reveal his true feelings to Hannah while balancing his MoH duties - dress alterations for the bridesmaids (a short, chubby girl wants a size 8! Hysterical!), bridal shower (predictably ruined by the entertainment), and lingerie shopping with the bride ("No, Colin will hate that."...shocking). He travels to Scotland for the wedding and for more examples of why Colin is the perfect man all the while toiling with his desicion to tell Hannah he loves her.

As a whole, the movie is fluff. The acting is simply so-so, the writing is flat, and the plot is so clichéd, even die-hard romantic comedy fans who love this stuff will be unimpressed. Michelle Monaghan really does nothing for this film; Weiland could have cast anyone off the street and the acting quality would be no different. The supporting cast, including Kadeem Hardison (of Dwayne Wayne fame!) as Felix, Tom's married buddy, and Busy Philipps as Melissa, the cousin who wanted to be MoH and tries to foil all of Tom's good intentions, is simply that - support for a film that's about to drown in a Scottish lake of predictability.

Dempsey, the reformed geek of the 80s (remember Can't Buy Me Love?) and star of Grey's Anatomy, is capitalizing on his McDreaminess in this film. I just can't buy him as a womanizer with a heart of gold. It's too far-fetched and it's just not the Dempsey we're all used to seeing. Even McDreamy doesn't act this way. In Enchanted, Dempsey seemed more real, and THAT was a DISNEY movie. Here, the role seems forced and a way to get Grey's fans to pay $10.50 for a movie ticket. As a fan of the show, and of his earlier work, I'm very disappointed in his role here - though seeing him juggle china plates was rather cool, as he studied aspired to attend Clown College as a teen.

Overall, this isn't a movie to rush off to see. There are far too many more rom-coms out there with heart that are worth the price of admission. Dare I say, P.S. I Love You ? A film I loathed due to how far-fetched it was? Unlike Made, at least you cared for the characters in that movie. It's not surprising that Iron Man made over $80 million more than this romantic comedy. Honor your men, ladies, and please don't drag them to this one. You're better off renting Julia Roberts's 1997 version instead.

Made of Honor is now playing in theaters.

Yeah, He Can Definitely Fly

2008-05-04T12:52:00.012-04:00

Iron Man
Directed by Jon Favreau
Paramount Pictures

May’s inaugural weekend has traditionally become a staple for the first big film release of the season. Last year, it was the awfulness of Spider-Man 3 that ushered us into a mediocre summer of films. The year before that, it was Tom Cruise’s last stand in Mission Impossible 3. This year, superheroes once again rule the celluloid jungle as the Jon Favreau-helmed Iron Man blasts its way onto the screen in a big (and I do mean BIG) way.

Before I get into the review proper, I want to back up to when I first heard rumblings that this film was in the works. The first rumor that Favreau was being tapped to direct a film based on Captain America (my all time favorite hero) hit The Net about two and a half years ago. As a fan of his work as a writer (Swingers, Made), an actor (Friends, Daredevil), and a director (Elf, Zathura), I was quite curious to see what he would do with old Winghead. As we all know, that was not meant to be as he traded movies with Nick Cassavetes and took the reigns of Iron Man instead, leaving Nick to pull together The Captain’s movie for 2009.

Next came the casting as the rumors started to fly. My biggest fear was that they would resort to casting this like the travesty that was Superman Returns two years ago. Remember that? We were treated to a 24-year-old Lois Lane with a Pulitzer and 5 year old super son? Ugh, my stomach hurts just typing those lines. Fortunately, Favreau is not an idiot and signed on Robert Downey Jr., the only man in Hollywood who could possibly understand addict Tony Stark’s journey because he has taken it himself.

So here we have it, Downey and Favreau, a powerhouse duo with a legendary story to tell. How did they do? In this fanboy’s opinion, I don’t think this movie could have been more perfect.

For those not in the know, the story of Iron Man is complex, yet simple. We have Tony Stark, millionaire playboy whose money comes from the weapons company his father founded at the tail end of World War II. Stark himself took over the company on his 21st birthday and topped his old man by creating even more awesome firepower for high paying government contracts. His success has earned him the distinction of being called the “Merchant of Death.” In his off time, he is an alcoholic, gambling, womanizing, egomaniac whose only real friends are Air Force Colonel James Rhodes (Terrence Howard) and his personal assistant Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow).

Everything changes for Stark when, during a visit to Afghanistan to demonstrate his newest and most deadly weapon, he is taken hostage by the Ten Rings terrorist group who force him to beef their firepower with his expertise. To make matters worse, he has a bunch of shrapnel in his blood that is working its way to his heart and only an electromagnet connected to a car battery is keeping him from having a fatal heart attack. Talk about a bad day.

Not to worry, though, because Stark and fellow prisoner Yinsen (Shaun Toub) fake out the bad guys and build a badass metal suit instead. Stark dons the armor prototype and uses it to not only escape but take out a bunch of the terrorists and their stockpile of weapons.

His near death experience serves as a turning point for young Tony and he decides to focus his attention on peace keeping efforts instead. He builds an even more streamlined version of the armor and uses it to go around destroying Stark Industries weapons that have fallen into the hands of nasty bad men all over the world. This, of course, gets the attention of a lot of invested parties, including his own business partner Obadiah Stane (a bald, bearded Jeff Bridges), and things start to get messy.

The movie is just about perfect from top to bottom. The story is well written and just faithful enough to the original story to keep the diehards happy while allowing newcomers to understand and appreciate the hows and whys of this tin plated vigilante. My personal favorite moments occur when Tony is in the design and testing phase of his flying armor. Check it out and get back to me.

As good as the story is, a poor cast can just screw it all up, but no worries here as Downey, Paltrow, Bridges, and Howard play their parts perfectly. Favreau allows them to create the perfect mix of humor and pathos. Most notable was Stark’s change of heart which doesn’t seem contrived largely due to Downey’s subtle, honest performance.

The effects are great but not overwhelming as we get the perfect blend of CGI with live action. I also like how Favreau gets around that directorial stumbling block of superhero masks (God forbid we don’t see our star’s face for ten full minutes) by inter-cutting extreme close-ups of Downey’s face while he is inside the suit to balance the computer animated action sequences.

Top to bottom, Iron Man is about as good a superhero movie as we can expect. The director genuinely cared about his character and story, the actors put forth excellent performances, and the story brings excitement and emotion without going over the top in either respect. It’s a great start to what I am hoping will be a top notch season of blockbusters.

Oh, and by the way, here’s a note for my fellow comic book geeks out there – be sure to stay through the credits and check out the “hidden scene” that follows. You won’t be disappointed.

Iron Man is now in theatres.

They Should Have Stayed at White Castle

2008-04-29T19:29:00.004-04:00

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Directed by Jon Hurwitz & Hayden Schlossberg
New Line Cinema

Sequels are pretty touch and go as far as I am concerned. Most of them are usually not all that impressive, and by that I mean that they suck hard enough to pull a bowling ball through a length of copper pipe. Occasionally, though, Hollywood gets it right. Aliens, Spider Man 2, The Empire Strikes Back, and just about every Harry Potter sequel are all examples of films that managed to be as good at, and in some cases even top, the original films. Unfortunately, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay cannot be counted among these films.

In the film’s predecessor, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, we followed the exploits of the title characters as they attempted to navigate the night and get themselves some greasy sliders from an elusive fast food franchise. Picking up where they left off, Harold (John Cho, American Pie) and Kumar (Kal Penn, Superman, House) board a plane to Amsterdam in search of Maria, Harold’s hot new crush.

Naturally, getting there uneventfully would be a little too simple, so things quickly go awry for our heroes. Soon after the plane takes off, Kumar decides to try his own spin on joining the Mile High club by getting stoned on the plane using his new patented smokeless bong. Unfortunately, his ingenious device looks a little too much like a homemade bomb and he and Harold are mistaken for terrorist and apprehended by air marshals.

Enter Rob Fox (Rob Corddry, The Daily Show), a middle management idiot from The Department of Homeland Security, who sends the boys to Guantanamo Bay Prison in Cuba. As the title suggests, Harold and Kumar quickly escape and what follows is 90 minutes of us following them as they run into all sorts of troublesome situations in a quest to clear their names. To make things more interesting, Fox is hot on their heels, despite his obvious incompetence.

Now, I was a fan of the first film and had some hope that this film would at least live up to its memory. Unfortunately, most of the film fell flat, mainly due to what I see as the writers’ attempt to constantly top themselves. Everything that I loved about the first film was taken to the nth power here, creating a series of caricatures and parodies, and I am not so sure that’s what the filmmakers intended.

At the end of the first film, Harold had found his confidence and had gotten the guts to not only stand up to his bullying coworkers but also plant a kiss on the hot babe from his apartment building. In this film, all that quickly goes away as he once again becomes a whining coward in order to gain back the confidence at the end of the film.

Kumar, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to have learned anything as his actions continually cause more and more serious trouble for the pair. In an attempt to add more depth to his character, they add a subplot about his ex-girlfriend getting married to a handsome, successful guy. Unfortunately, this simply telegraphs the ending and makes it obvious where we will be when the credits roll. Have you figured it out yet? I bet you have!

There’s one thing that really bothers me about films like this. I am so sick of the dynamic of “the selfish friend causing huge problems for the straight-laced friend.” Not only is this whole concept done to death (Kevin Smith did it best in Clerks and Clerks 2), it’s entirely unrealistic. If I had a friend like Kumar, I can guarantee that he’d have had his teeth kicked after the first time he screwed me over. At that point, we’d no longer be friends. In this film, Harold’s life is ruined repeatedly by Kumar and, yet, they remain best buds. Does every buddy comedy have to call upon these stereotypes to try to make a funny film? Shoot me now if they do.

Admittedly, there are a few chuckles floating around in this sea of ridiculousness. Neil Patrick Harris returns as himself to help the guys find their way to a brothel. Christopher Meloni, (Law and Order: SVU) who was the funniest guy in the first film, is also back in a cameo role as a KKK Grand Wizard. If I laughed at all during the two hours I was in the theatre, it was at these guys.

The plot is contrived, the characters are shells of their former selves, and the laughs come from bit players. All in all, I’d have to say that this film did little more than disappoint. If you are looking for comedic gold, look somewhere else. If you want a film to treat you to tons of toilet humor, some nudity, and flat performances, then, by all means, check out Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay. If you actually want to be entertained, go rent the first film.

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay is now in theatres.

Un film très magnifique!

2008-04-28T23:41:00.009-04:00

Le Scaphandre et le papillon
(The Diving Bell and the Butterfly)
Directed by Julian Schnabel
Pathé Renn Productions / Miramax Films

Looking back upon the Oscars, host Jon Stewart perfectly nailed it when he asked Hollywood if it needed a hug. Four of the five nominees for Best Picture were quite dark in tone, to say the least (and there were several other near-misses that could have qualified, too - American Gangster, Gone Baby Gone, etc.); only Juno had that sense of humanity to it. Now, don't get me wrong, the other films were fantastic, but generally speaking, there weren't many American films this year that really embraced both the tragedies and the joys of life. In fact, the foreign films over the last few years have been really producing some fine pieces of work in that regard: Amélie, Tsotsi, Les Invasions Barbares, etc., were wonderful testimonies to the power of the human spirit to uplift, to inspire, and to change themselves and connect with others. This French import, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, is certainly no exception; indeed, I would be so bold as to say that this movie is the all-around finest film I've seen this year.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is adapted from the book of the same name. It is the remarkably true memoir of Jean-Dominique Bauby, a man who, suffice to say, led the good life: three lovely kids, a sexy girlfriend, a sweet ride, a book deal in the works, and a position as editor at Elle magazine, which allowed him to hobnob with celebrities like Lenny Kravitz (who provides a brief cameo). His life of comfort, however, is forever altered when he suffers a rare and devastating stroke that leaves him completely paralyzed and unable to speak. Only his left eye remains functioning, and he uses that to communicate with his doctors and therapists. One of the therapists, Henriette Ducard (played wonderfully by Marie-Josée Croze) teaches him how to construct words and sentences through blinking, and Jean-Do, as his loved ones call him, begins to "dictate" his life-story to a writer named Claude (Anne Cosigny).

The directing of Julian Schnabel (who also did the excellent Before Night Falls) is truly outstanding. Much of the story is seen from Bauby's one good eye, so when he awakes from the stroke-induced coma, everything is blurry and out-of-focus. Also, there are times when the characters appear on the edges of the screen, to further accentuate the fact that Bauby cannot even turn his head to get a good look at them. The first-person POV is wonderfully executed, and really gives the viewer a better understanding of what it's like to be entombed in one's own body. Also, there is a definitive beauty to Mr. Schnabel's work. Much of the film was shot on France's north coast, and the beauty of the beaches and seaside villages is utilized quite well, as if to convey that M. Bauby can see all the beauty around him, but it remains quite literally outside his grasp. Indeed, even his nurses and therapists are strikingly beautiful (of course, they are French), and Schnabel cheekily makes Bauby's eye wander south a bit when the women are around. Indeed, it's through Bauby's eye that we truly understand who he was, who he is, and what he thinks of the world. It is simply excellent storytelling.

As much as the directing and cinematography are superb, it is the acting of the cast that really elevates this movie to new heights. Mathieu Amalric is wonderful as Bauby, from his memories and fantasies as a stylish, hip playboy to the surprisingly-expressive paraplegic (or, more kudos to Schnabel for making it appear so). Amalric perfectly conveys the emotions that one would likely face in a similar circumstance: panic, anger, despair, self-pity, and even mocking humor. It is a shame his portrayal was not given the recognition it deserved (hard to argue against this year's Oscar winners, though, I will admit). Also, all of the supporting cast is top-notch in their performances, from Croze as Henriette, who provides great strength for Jean-Do even in tough times, to Cosigny as Claude, who becomes closer to Bauby as she painstakingly takes his dictation, to his ex, Céline (Emmanuelle Seigner), who comes to the aid of the man she still loves. Of particular note is the great, if brief, performance of Max von Sydow as Jean-Do's elderly father. Von Sydow's performance, particularly when "talking" to his son over the phone, is equally astounding and heartbreaking. And yes, he does speak completely in French, and just as impressive, there was practically no accent (and I was a French major - I should be able to tell). Everyone's performance is nearly flawless, showing an expansive range of emotion without becoming melodramatic. Indeed, there is a fair bit of humor in the movie (mainly in Jean-Do's strikingly witty thoughts), which provides that sense of humanity that so often is lacking in today's cinema.

As one of Bauby's old friends tells him, "Hold on to all that is human inside you." This movie indeed embraces all of the human spirit - the pain, the passion, the humor, the sadness, the friendship, and the love - and delivers a beautiful (and true) reminder that even in the most trying of times, one is never truly alone, and nothing is truly out of reach. In an era when violence, scandal, and shocking plot twists are en vogue in Hollywood, it is truly inspiring to see a film that shows us that the best stories are the ones we create with each other.

Très bien fait, mesdames et messieurs, et m-e-r-c-i.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is now available on DVD.

Clear Brilliance in Invisibility

2008-04-25T15:20:00.005-04:00

Now You See Me, Now You Don't
Directed by Attila Szász
Extreme Films

As a reviewer for a cinema blog still in its infancy, I was recently blessed with the opportunity to screen a Hungarian film currently making the rounds in a variety of film festivals. The winner of 12 awards, such as Best Short Film (Harlem International Film Festival), Best Narrative Short (Ojai Film Festival), Best Foreign Language Short (Oxford International Film Festival) and Best Director (Newport Beach Film Festival), Now You See Me, Now You Don't is a brilliant film that runs about 30 minutes. Yes, you read that correctly, THIRTY MINUTES. In a cinematic world full of drawn-out films that sometimes carry on for close to three hours, Attila Szász takes a fraction of that time to weave a tapestry of family relationships that draws you into a world of trust/mistrust and connect/disconnect...and it's a world you're devastated to leave when you do.

Now You See Me, Now You Don't is, on the surface, the tale of Mom, Dad, and son, Alex. Alex (Vitéz Ábrahám) plays around the house while Mom (Dóra Létay) boils water in the kitchen, preparing dinner. She scolds her husband (Ernõ Fekete) over the phone and chastises six-year-old Alex when he plays too closely to the stove. When Dad comes home from the lab, he brings something with him. The next morning, Alex is invisible. Mom becomes furious with Dad for involving their son with such an experiment and relationships begin to shatter.

The performances by Létay and Fekete are masterful portrayals of people whose marital connection has fractured. Létay is simply heartbreaking as the mother doing her best to care for her son and Fekete is unforgettable; you feel Mom's pain instantly and completely despise Dad for being so distant. These thirty minutes are a rollercoaster ride from which you can't possibly tear your eyes or soul. Aside from being riveted to the screen throughout this exceptional story, I was also dazzled by the filmmaking itself. The use of flowing sunlight and deep shadows is simply astonishing and the movement of the actors through the house is so natural and fluid, it's as if they're dancing across the screen.

Inspired by the birth of his own son, Attila Szász uses the film to express some of the emotions he has experienced in his role as a father and cites the reaction of the audience as one of the film's greatest achievements. "I was hoping to evoke some emotions in the audience, to see if I could push the right buttons," he recently told me. "The reaction to the film is overwhelming; I'm still shocked at the people's feedback. It's a spooky thing to see that your audience react almost exactly the way you were hoping for." This first-time filmmaker's greatest achievement, in this reviewer's opinion, is a film so beautiful and awe-inspiring that I had to replay it the second it ended.

Produced in 2005, Now You See Me, Now You Don't is one of the greatest films you haven't seen....yet. It continues making the rounds of various film festivals around the world until the end of the year, and hopefully, Szász adds, it will be available on iTunes for download soon. Until then, you can check out clips on the film's official MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/attilaszasz. You can also order the DVD from Spiritual Cinema Circle (http://www.spiritualcinemacircle.com/) - you have to subscribe to become a member, but then you can order the DVD from the back catalogue. (Trust me, this film is well worth it.)

They say good things come in small packages. Now You See Me, Now You Don't is one of the smallest, and best, films I've ever seen.

Belly Laughs from Shattered Hearts

2008-04-20T22:37:00.004-04:00

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Directed by Nicholas Stoller
Universal Pictures

Judd Apatow and his buddies have become the comedic heavy hitters du jour in Hollywood over the past couple of years. It’s gotten to the point that even fringe members of his clique are getting their shot at the box office. The latest “favor to friends film” from the Apatow camp comes from Jason Segel who most of you will remember from the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. Segel’s connections to Uncle Judd go all the way back to one of the best television series that nobody watched, Freaks and Geeks. His most recent collaboration with Apatow came from last summer’s comedic hit, Knocked Up. Now Segel scripts and stars in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, a quirky romantic comedy with great performances, a touch of over-the-top nastiness, and quite a few more laughs than I expected, given the subject matter.

Segel plays Peter Bretter, a lazy musician who loves sweatpants and couch surfing. He makes a living writing the score for a television crime drama which stars his girlfriend, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell from Heroes and Veronica Mars). Peter is satisfied with the rut he’s managed to stay in for the past five years until Sarah dumps him for a hot British pop star (comedian Russell Brand).

On the advice of his stepbrother Brian (Bill Hader from SNL), Peter decides to go to Hawaii to try to get his mind off his troubles but, as luck would have it, Sarah and her new boyfriend are staying at the same hotel. While wading through the self loathing mire, Peter meets Rachel, an employee of the hotel played by Mila Kunis (That 70's Show) and starts to pursue her romantically. Imagine every single uncomfortable situation that this scenario can produce, and you have the crux of the film.

All of the performances are top notch. Segel plays the self-deprecating card with just enough pathos to make him more interesting than you’d expect. Kristen Bell looks great as Sarah and makes her character likeable despite all our inclinations toward regarding her with disdain. One breakout role is Brand's turn as Aldous Snow, the over the top Bono-esque laid back, cause laden rocker who is fond of leather pants and sex with anything with two legs and breasts.

As good as the rest of the cast is, the true gem of this movie is Mila Kunis who has never appeared more gorgeous (easily overshadowing Bell in the looks department) and creates in Rachel a free spirited island girl who is hard not to fall in love with, even from the audience. Even the most pretentious independent filmgoer can’t help but cross his fingers for a clichéd happy ending for this lovely rebound girl.

As far as the laughs go, this film has them in spades and, while there is a bit of the old “grossout” stuff, most of the laughs come from cast interaction. I will issue a warning, however - we’ve got full frontal nudity here, and not from any of the lovely ladies in the cast, so be prepared! Also, don’t blink or you might miss Apatow alum Paul Rudd as a flaky surf instructor who steals just about every scene they give him. I offer my kudos to first time director Nicholas Stoller who proves that he has the comedic timing thing totally under control.

Who can’t identify with the concept of being unceremoniously discarded by someone you love? Hell, even Jennifer Aniston got kicked to the curb by Brad Pitt! When I got destroyed by a girl I once though I would marry, I was so useless, I couldn't listen to any music other than Alice Cooper, lest I be reminded of my sorrow. Man, was I ever pathetic! Forgetting Sara Marshal brings back those memories but in a way that makes us laugh at how ridiculous we can be in the face of heartbreak. As long as you aren't hours removed from your own Dear John (or Dear Jane) moment, it's hard not to be entertained by this film.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is now in theatres.

Bust out your shoe phones, everyone!

2008-04-17T13:50:00.010-04:00

Get Smart
Directed by Peter Segal
Warner Bros. Pictures

Ah, yes, summer. That wonderful time of year when the beaches are crowded, the clothing is minimal, the ice cream flows like rivers, and the Hollywood studios toss out a veritable cornucopia of sequels, adaptations, and remakes (I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Saving Private Ryan 2). So, let's see, what's on the previewing slate today? Ah, it's an updated version of the great 60's TV show, "Get Smart".

For those who don't remember (or were in the pre-zygote phase at that time), "Get Smart" was a send-up of the spy genre that had become ridiculously popular during the height of the Cold War; some guy named Connery made a couple of spy films around that time, I think. Anyway, the TV show focused on Maxwell Smart, a dim-witted (yet exceptionally effective) agent for CONTROL, a spy organization that did constant battle with the evil forces of KAOS, led (somewhat) by the evil Siegfried. Smart's companions at CONTROL included, among others, a robot that could best be described as gullible and a lovely (and highly-skilled) partner, Agent 99, who eventually becomes his wife. This was a great comedy, mainly for two reasons: 1) Don Adams (who you children-of-the-80s might know better as the voice of Inspector Gadget) was a brilliant comedian, and portrayed Max with a deft mix of confidence and slapstick humor; 2) One of the head writers was Mel Brooks. Enough said.

Therefore, since Mr. Adams has sadly passed on, and Mr. Brooks is focusing more on Broadway at the moment, I'm looking at the movie release with a little hesitation. Nevertheless, there are several things about the movie that pique my interest. For starters, if any person alive today would play the role of Maxwell Smart, it would have to be Steve Carell. Just look at his portrayal of Michael in The Office: very self-assured, yet sublimely oblivious to the fact that he has no control over the situation at hand. Also, Alan Arkin was a solid choice to play the Chief (it seems Mr. Arkin has reached that age where every role he is offered is to be the boss of some government organization... maybe it's just me), and adding in The Rock... oops, sorry... Dwayne Johnson as another CONTROL agent (...or is he??) can provide for some extra physical comedy that wouldn't work right with Maxwell Smart. It appears, from the early trailers, at least, that there is a fair amount of action (it is still a spy movie, after all), but it doesn't let the explosions override the laughs, which is always a good thing.

The one casting decision I'm rather unsure about is Anne Hathaway as Agent 99. Don't get me wrong, she is a fine actress who has very good comedic timing, and quite easy on the eyes, too. The issue I haven't isn't so much about her playing Agent 99 per se, it's more about the chemistry she might have with Steve Carell. Remember a couple of paragraphs back where I mentioned that Smart and 99 get married? Well, I'm having a little difficulty imagining any believable romantic tension between the two characters when the actors portraying them are nearly 20 years apart in age (granted, Don Adams and Barbara Feldon were 10 years apart, but it wasn't so noticeable a gap). I think that Carell and Hathaway will play off each other well comedically as partners, but part of the charm of the sitcom was the dual relationship between the two leads, so it might lose a little something in the big-screen translation. Come to think of it, it does seem that a lot of the agents for CONTROL are really young, as in "After work, I'm heading over to the kegger at Sigma Nu" young; perhaps that's to show just how out-of-place Max is at the start. But those are just minor gripes - for the most part, the casting is pretty much spot-on; I'm just waiting to see how they all interact and just how closely they adhere to the original storyline.

All in all, it looks like a pretty good adaptation of a great show. It doesn't quite reach the level of sharp, witty dialogue that the original did (again, it's nigh impossible to replace the mind of Mel Brooks), but it does retain the overall silly-yet-bright sense of humor that made the show so great. Toss in some intriguing action sequences (including a fight mid-skydive), some fun cameos (Bill Murray, anyone?), and some old favorites from the show for nostalgia purposes (Hymie the Robot, the shoe phone, etc.), and it looks like an action/comedy that could provide plenty of entertainment this summer.

Get Smart will be released in theaters on June 20. Don't miss it (by that much!)

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Bringing Down the (Movie)House

2008-04-15T21:53:00.007-04:00

21
Directed by Robert Luketic
Columbia Pictures

The Sting, Ocean's Eleven, Casino, Rounders...now 21 takes its rightful place in the echelon of gambling/Vegas movies. Based on a true story, 21 regales its audiences with the story of a team of MIT students who learn how to count cards and win big in Sin City. Tops of the box office for two weeks in a row before being knocked out by the Prom Night remake (oh, those fickle high schoolers and their horror movies), this flick is highly entertaining, wonderfully cast, and makes you want to hop a plane to stay a night or three in the Hard Rock Resort and Casino...or perhaps Planet Hollywood...maybe the Riviera...(Wow...lots of money put up for product placement in this one, folks.)

Jim Sturgess stars as Ben, an MIT student whose only goal in life is to go to Harvard Medical School. Being an average-middle-class-math-genius, he's short of funds and needs a scholarship. Meeting with a Harvard prof, Ben realizes he has to "jump off the page" in order to beat out the 70-some-odd applicants for a free ride to Harvard Med. Simultaneously, Ben and his buddies, Miles and Cam (Josh Gad and Sam Golzari) worry that they don't have much going on in their lives, save for a 2.09 competition in robotics. After a fateful day in an advanced math class far above this English teacher's head, Ben is invited to a card-counting team meeting led by his professor, Micky Rosa (the brilliant Kevin Spacey). It seems Ben has found the life experience he's been searching for.

This small group of MIT students learn to count cards, signal opportunities, and play off each other and exercise their rights to bring down the house in Vegas every weekend. Aside from the attraction of lots and lots of money (gotta pay for med school!), Ben is drawn into the team by Jill Taylor (Kate Bosworth) and joins Choi (Aaron Yoo), Fisher (Jacob Pitts), and Kianna (Liza Lapira) in a fast-paced world of high rollers, night clubs, comped suites, and limousines. However, as we all know, Vegas doesn't like to lose and on the case is Cole Williams (Laurence Fishburne) and his colleague Terry (Jack McGee). Before they are completely replaced by facial recognition software, Cole and Terry are doing their best to squelch the big winners and are breathing down on the team's necks.

Sturgess's performance is believable to a point - you can relate to his need for money, but his arrogance gets the best of him at times and the characterization becomes a clichéd rags-to-riches performance. Bosworth plays simple support and really doesn't have much energy here. Yoo is hysterical as Choi, that friend we all know and love who enjoys swiping everything that's not nailed down in hotel rooms. Fishburne is wonderful as Cole Williams, and when he puts those thick rings on to show those dastardly card-counters he means business, you cringe with the poor victim. The prize of this film, though, is Spacey.

As Rosa, Spacey is the professor you want to have in class - who knew math teachers could be so charismatic? Aside from that, he plays a mentor, a friend, a businessman - and he's very much in control. Rosa has so many sides to him you get as lost trying to count his characteristics as trying to watch those cards with the MIT counters. Spacey can do no wrong as far as I see it and he certainly does not disappoint in 21.

The one disappointment, however, is the length of the movie. Just minutes over two hours, 21 slows down about halfway through and it takes a while to pick up the pace to the climax of the film. The high-energy of the casino scenes are riveting, but the slow Boston scenes make the time crawl by. Once you finally arrive at the climax, though, these characters come into full swing and it's a great ride to the end. Shave about half an hour off this one and you've got one fantastic picture.

21 is a winner -- and as anyone who knows gambling knows... winner, winner, chicken dinner! Double down and take a friend to see this flick before it's out of theaters.

21 is playing in theaters now.

There Will Be Rentals

2008-04-14T17:21:00.006-04:00

There Will Be Blood
Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson
Paramount Pictures

It’s a magical time of year for film lovers. The theatres are full of movies that aren’t quite meaningful enough for Oscar consideration and aren’t quite spectacular enough to be part of the Blockbuster spring and summer seasons. It is during these months that cinephiles like me look to DVD releases to fill my deep need for an entertainment fix.

It’s a commonly known fact that most studios release their Oscar hopefuls late in the year so that they can be fresh in the minds of the Academy judges (and the movie going public) when the awards start getting picked early the following year. Now that it is April, these films are starting to pop up in your favorite retail establishment in DVD form. This week, among the must-see-because-I-couldn’t-find-the-time-to-get-to-the-theatre-last-Christmas flicks to drop is the epic There Will Be Blood.

The film garnered no less than eight academy nominations this year, taking home two (Best Actor for Daniel Day Lewis and Best Cinematography for Robert Elswit). Based loosely on the highly political 1927 novel Oil by Upton Sinclair, There Will Be Blood follows the life of Daniel Plainview a self proclaimed “oil man” on his quest to become the most powerful supplier of black gold in California. We shadow Plainview on his quest from 1898 until sometime in the 1930s. Each step he takes is fraught with danger, greed, deception, and uncertainty.

Watching Lewis’ portrayal of Plainview, it’s easy to see why he was granted the golden statue. Long sequences without any dialogue force all the actors to create meaning from gesture and expression rather than delivery of lines. Lewis is a master silent thespian and the first 18 minutes of the film are a testament to this. Pay close attention.

As a fan of Paul Dano’s from the recent films Fast Food Nation and Little Miss Sunshine, I was looking forward to seeing what he could do with the role of Eli Sunday, a young preacher who (as the trailer portrays) is at odds with our protagonist. Although I found the character well written, and perhaps existing as a metaphor for greed and corruption within the religious community, Dano’s portrayal seemed to be a bit over the top and at times turns what should be serious into something very silly.

The supporting cast did their best to keep up with Lewis and Dano but, aside from Dillon Freasier adequate depiction of Plainview’s young ward, there aren’t any impressionable performances to speak of, which is unusual in an event picture like this. Normally, I’d expect to see at least one or two short sequences where an actor gets to bear his or her chops and “steal” a scene (think Meat Loaf in Fight Club or Steve Carell in Bruce Almighty). Oh well.

Despite the film clocking in at two and a half hours, I never felt the weight of its length, but then I always did love historic epics. This isn’t one of those movies you can pop in while you have drinks with friends on a Saturday night. There Will Be Blood has strong performances from the leads; brings the inference, irony, and shocking moments; and has enough meaning to make Webster’s Dictionary jealous. If that sounds appealing, buckle in, grab a coffee, and rent this DVD – there will be entertainment.

There Will Be Blood is now available on DVD

Potentially Ruin-ing my movie-going experience

2008-04-07T15:11:00.002-04:00

The Ruins
Directed by Carter Smith
DreamWorks SKG

Written by Scott B. Smith, The Ruins was the huge horror novel of 2006. I first heard of it through my dedicated reading of Stephen King's Entertainment Weekly column. When King says a horror book is worth reading, I run out and take a look. In fact, my favorite column of his all year is the Top Ten Books of the Year...books he's read that year, not necessarily published that year. It's how I found No Country for Old Men and This Book Will Save Your Life, to cite some examples. So off I went to check out The Ruins. I was hesitant when I read the book flap, but trusting his opinion, I bought it and read it...

...and HATED it. I read a good chunk of the book before I discovered what the source of horror was and was okay for a while -- supernatural, perhaps? Maybe ancient Mayan ghosts or something...but no. I was exceedingly disappointed in the "horror" as I'll call it so as not to give things away and forced myself to finish the book. It simply got worse for me.

When I saw the movie trailer, I was annoyed. All I heard in '06 was how fabulous this book was and the hype continued into 2007 with the paperback copy. NY Times bestseller and all, this book was on the fasttrack to Hollywood. Being the resident horror geek - which you might've noticed by now - I felt it my duty to check out the film.

The Ruins stars Jonathan Tucker as Jeff, Jena Malone as Amy, Shawn Ashmore as Eric, and Laura Ramsey as Stacy. These four college-aged friends leave their Mexican-paradise hotel on their last day to visit some ancient Mayan ruins not on the tourist maps. They hear of it from a very nice German guy named Mathias (Joe Anderson) and with a sixth, Dimitri, off they go into the wilderness to search for an archaeological dig where Mathias's brother has supposedly disappeared. Once they reach it, they encounter locals - supposedly Mayans...this is never answered - who attack them. In the chaos, Dimitri is killed and the rest of the bunch scurry to the top of the temple for safety. This is where all the horror takes place. It's difficult to review a horror movie when part of the kitsch is to surprise you with what the cause actually is. You've seen the trailer which shows something going after the two girls and something moving inside Stacy's head (at the very end of the trailer). Unfortunately, this movie looks a LOT better than it truly is.

What works for the film is that Smith adapted his own novel - that always helps when making a book into a film. However, he took quite a few liberties and quite a few things are changed. Did it improve the story? Not for me. The major issues are the same and visually, this is a squirmy movie. The gore isn't the kind of gore you'd expect...especially from the sources here. It certainly will make you react, though. The acting is good, especially from Tucker, whom I've decided is really underrated. He was very good in The Black Donnellys and in an early episode of Masters of Horror called "The Dance of the Dead" (co-starring Robert Englund!), as well as the new version of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Surprisingly, Jena Malone didn't irritate me as much as she usually does (maybe because I keep mixing her up with Kristen Stewart) but that could be because Laura Ramsey's character was really, REALLY annoying. Ashmore and Anderson were simply supporting characters and they did very little to actually support much.

My issue with this film is that I can't decide if I disliked it because I hated the novel or because the adaptation really did nothing to improve it. Probably a little of both. In general, I was bored - and not just because I already knew the story, either. Mystic River is one of many books adapted very well to film and I was riveted to Clint Eastwood's vision of it. I'm very interested to know what the average viewer thought of The Ruins so I can get an objective feel...I thought it was boring, and goofy (the cause of the "horror" mind you, is just ludicrous to me), and even the gore didn't faze me. Please comment and let me know if my voracious reading habits have finally Ruin-ed moviegoing for me...at least for this particular film.

The Ruins is playing in theaters now.

Float Like A Butterfly, Sting Like "...The Champ."

2008-04-06T02:42:00.007-04:00

Resurrecting The Champ
Directed by Rod Lurie
Starring Josh Hartnett and Samuel L. Jackson
Yari Film Group
PG-13

Legend Vs. Reality.

I've never been a "huge" fan of the boxing films. I think Rocky was a well-told story, but transforming it into a franchise was the mistake of Stallone's career, or was it Demolition Man? I admired Raging Bull for its ruthless and unforgiving shooting style - the subject matter and nature of the Marciano character, not so much. Ali was not made for my generation, but it further solidified Will Smith's range and impressed me. I appreciated Cinderella Man because it was a period piece and reflected well for the time. All of these pictures provide a beautiful backdrop of the sport, but focus entirely on elements other than knockouts and concussions. Resurrecting The Champ shares the same sentiment.

I remember the days when Hartnett graced the covers of Teen Beat Magazine and every girl in your high school homeroom had a picture of him in their locker or on their notebooks. I bet they thought he'd keep doing films like The Faculty and Halloween: 20 Years Later. Thank the celluloid Gods they were wrong. He's cranking out performance after performance superbly with pictures like Lucky # Slevin and Wicker Park.

And Samuel L. Jackson has finally been given the opportunity to trade in his lightsaber for a pair of boxing gloves. No longer will the social stigma of his appearance in the Star Wars films as Mace Windu disrupt his ascension into the acting greats.

Kathryn Morris, Alan Alda and even a small cameo by Peter Coyote round out an extraordinary cast, each adding a layer to the mix of Erik Kernan's (Hartnett) predicament. Fathers and Sons: this film shows you what a father would do to gain the admiration of his son, not the other way around, which makes this the diamond in the rough of the year. I could taste an Oscar nod for Samuel L. Jackson in between sips of my diet soda.

"A writer, like a boxer, must stand alone. The truth is revealed, and there's nowhere to hide."

Resurrecting The Champ hits video shelves on April 8th.

Gee, This Looks Low. &trade

2008-03-31T18:22:00.008-04:00

The Love Guru
Paramount Pictures
Starring: Mike Myers
Director: Marco Schnabel

Wayne Campbell.
Austin Powers.
Shrek.

All of these wonderful characters have been brought to us by the comedic genius of Mike Myers. But now, he has recently invented the Guru Pitka; an American raised outside of the country who returns to rule the self-help business with an iron fist.

This film has already sparked some controversy in India for his portrayal of the main character. I didn't hear the Scots getting angry at Fat Bastard, so something must be wrong with this flick. Hockey? Gurus and hockey? I know Myers is a native Canadian and hockey is a way of life up there, but will this film beat out Wayne's World or any of the Austin Powers films? Or be as memorable? I think not.

I could be stoned by my cinephile colleagues for saying this, but it is quite possible Justin Timberlake may be the one saving grace of this film. Or he could help dig the grave deeper for this sad picture. He's been testing his limits with his choices in characters as of late, and I'll be routing for him.

Pitka's Karma is Huge. But my tao is telling me to pass by this one. He ain't randy, he ain't green, and this film doesn't look far out at all.

The Love Guru opens in theaters on Friday, June 20th.

A fun, but not very scary, Nightmare

2008-03-26T16:12:00.004-04:00

Nightmare Man
After Dark Horrorfest 2007
Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky
Paradign Pictures

In November of 2006, After Dark Films began a horror film festival that put 8 independent movies into theaters so the masses could experience something different from the Hollywood drivel that's been released recently. Unfortunately, as they only released certain films to certain theaters and all on the same week, I was unable to see or choose any. I was elated when they were released on DVD the following March. I purchased them all and enjoyed them quite a bit. This past November of 2007, After Dark repeated the festival with a new crop of Films to Die For...and released them on DVD March 18th. Being the resident horror geek, I'm on the job.

Nightmare Man is my first After Dark 2007 film. It stars Blythe Metz as Ellen, a woman who orders a fertility mask from Italy (which imported said mask from Africa) and is appalled to discover that the thing is hideous. She tosses it aside and plans to later call the shipping company, certain that there's been a mistake. The audience is then treated to an unsettling scene in which the power goes off in her home and she is stalked by someone in the dark. This stalking culminates in an attack on Ellen by what appears to be a frightening demon.

Now, rest easy, these are not spoilers...this, in fact, only described perhaps the first 7min of the film. The rest of the movie focuses on Ellen's fear of the demon that attacked her and her husband's (Luciano Szafir) disbelief in the monster. Bill, Ellen's oh-so-supportive husband, is driving her to a hospital where she can get some rest and help. Unfortunately, he forgot to fill the gas tank and the car runs out of fuel...shocking, I know. What ensues after he leaves to get some gas is another attack by the demon who supposedly exists only in Ellen's head and a chase through the woods (what, you thought they stalled out on a main road?! Pssh.) to a house where four friends unsuspectedly play Truth or Dare. They are attacked by Ellen's demon and a fight to protect themselves becomes the new focus of the film. There are a few twists and turns in the movie, but nothing we haven't seen before. The end of the film will definitely get you laughing, though - an amusing sequence AND a cameo by Richard Moll of Night Court fame!

Nightmare Man is certainly not a high-caliber horror flick. The chase scene through the woods is far too long and you start hoping the demon would just catch up with her already to end the agony...your agony, not hers. The Truth or Dare friends, led by Mia (Tiffany Shepis), are both amusing and annoying, depending on what dialogue escapes their lips. In fact, Shepis is really the only entertaining actor in the entire film. Her sarcasm isn't witty, that's for sure, but you definitely chuckle at most of her lines. She becomes the tough girl of the film while Ellen is subdued on the couch. Metz's performance as Ellen is rather dry and goofy - like I said earlier, you don't really want her to survive, but her character delivers some seriously funny situations toward the end of the film. The focus of the film shifts too frequently for you to really take it seriously, and the dialogue is certainly not Pulitzer-Prize winning material. In general, the movie is more like a late-night Cinemax film than something Fangoria would rave about. Probably fitting, as Tiffany Shepis has been in a number of Emmanuelle movies. Hrm.

Bottom line, Nightmare Man is a fun horror movie to watch for some empty laughs and entertainment, but will not give you nightmares.

Available on DVD now.

If you're half right, you'll be a genius.

2008-03-25T01:54:00.006-04:00

Frank Capra said that.

And movies about making movies always sparks interest. Shadow of the Vampire proved a fruitful and frightening picture, while Living in Oblivion pays tribute to the independent filmmaker and the panic that can ensue on a set. And with this year's The Man In The Chair, generations will clash when seniors and high schoolers unite to make the next celluloid masterpiece.

It is being claimed as Christopher Plummer's "tour-de-force." As an oldie to Hollywood, he pesters cinema goers with his warehouse of worthless celluloid knowledge, while choking down Wild Turkey to his failing liver. Priceless quotes from Hollywood Legends will spark this film and keep it moving, as well as the old senile approach to filmmaking versus the recklessness of youth.

I am unsure as to be more intrigued by Plummer's character, or in the Black Irish sensation, Michael Angarano. This young actor is really carving out a niche for himself, rivaling the likes of Emile Hirsch and Ben Foster. He's got the range, the look, and the talent that projected him into the spotlight when he played the young Red Pollard in Seabiscuit. His leap into a South Boston teenager longing for the approval of his father in Irish is admirable for his age.

Combined with the efforts of seniors M. Emmett Walsh and Robert Wagner, this film looks to paint a rather hopeful picture for the future of cinema. It has taken over a decade for Michael Schroeder to escape the stigma of productions he directed like the Cyborg films, but the vision and execution pre-viewed from the trailer alone screams depth and meaning. Welcome back, Schroeder.

The Man In The Chair comes to video on April 1st, 2008.

Don't expose yourself to Shutter

2008-03-21T16:21:00.003-04:00

Shutter
20th Century Fox

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I have only one for this movie: "YAWN."

Recently, I posted a blog about Hollywood's love affair with the horror movie remake. This particular little gem is part of the epidemic of Asian horror remakes. You know the ones... The Ring really started the onslaught. That's one remake I didn't mind at all -- thought it was wonderfully scary and entertaining. The Ring made me go searching through the plethora of Japanese horror flicks, resulting in the location of The Eye and Audition. Both are spectacular, I think. Anyway, for a while, I raved about the talents of the Japanese for producing horror until I realized something very disheartening -- the Japanese have the same problem we do - nothing is different, nothing is new.

After The Ring, we had The Grudge - which creeped some people out; it only made me afraid of small Asian boys who meow at me. Being as this is America, there's no surprise that The Ring 2 and The Grudge 2 followed shortly thereafter. We were then hit with Dark Water, Pulse, One Missed Call, The Eye, and other terrible Hollywood versions of Asian films. You'll notice the remake of The Eye in that list. When I mentioned it earlier, I meant the original....not the Jessica Alba thing. All of these movies feature some young girl with dark hair who lurks in corners and wreaks havoc on the lives of the main characters. Sometimes there are children involved, but typically, you're faced with a young twenty-something girl who has been wronged in some way.

Shutter is the latest in the Asian remake craze. These movies are like a bad sinus infection that just won't go away. I, unfortunately, cannot speak to the original film (from Thailand, this time), because I have yet to receive it from Netflix. Our Americans-in-Japan version, starring Joshua Jackson and Rachael Taylor, was released today and, being the resident horror buff, off I went to see it, hoping for something good. No such luck.

Shutter follows two newlyweds to Tokyo, the location of Ben Shaw's (Jackson) new job. He is a photographer who does model shoots and advertisements, I expect - it's never really addressed, as it's not really important. His darling wife, Jane (Taylor), is exploring Tokyo for the first time and is getting used to her new life with her husband. Driving along the road one evening, they hit a girl who - prepare yourself for this BRAND NEW ELEMENT - disappears. The pair continues to their honeymoon, then to Ben's new job. Ben forgets the incident; Jane is freaked out (as I think most of us would be) and can't let go of this girl who vanished after the accident.

The focus of the film is on the photographs being taken throughout. There appears to be a glitch in the film....perhaps it's in the camera itself. Whatever the trouble, there are flaws in the photographs. Jane begins to delve into the idea of spiritual photography - photos in which spirits appear, trying to get messages somehow to the others in the shots. What unravels for the rest of this 85min snoozefest is a cliched haunting of our fresh-faced bride and groom and an even more cliched mystery to solve that involves an Asian woman with long dark hair that hangs in her face all too often....shocking, I know.

The one saving grace to this film...and it's not much...it the ending. The big reveal is interesting and justice is served...or is it? Again, another slight cliche in the resolution of this one, but how could you present a cliched remake of an Asian film without a cliched ending?

Unfortunately, this film is not worth your $10.00 at the cinema. Nor is it worth the discount movie ticket I had to give up. It's not even worth the bargain $2.50 you might pay at a value cinema near you.

Another word has occurred to me that shows what this picture is worth: "UGH." Shut your eyes to this one, folks.

...and here's hoping the remake of Prom Night (Apr 11th) is a little better.

Shutter is playing in theaters now.

Not With A Whimper... Kelly's Tales.

2008-03-17T10:17:00.010-04:00

Southland Tales
Directed by Richard Kelly

Richard Kelly's Donnie Darko left us questioning our own meager existences. Despite our weaknesses, setbacks and flaws, can we all be destined for true enlightenment and help others? The same questions coincide with his latest film, Southland Tales.

Texas has been nuked in a strike against America; the second terrorist attack inside of ten years. It is a time for further change in the country? Are the people ready to hand over more of their civil rights for the "safety" of the country? All while in our desperate search for an alternative fuel, one magical "right-under-our-noses" cure has finally been discovered by the latest mega-conglomerate of scientists.

Political Satire.
Psychological Thriller.
Contemporary Musical.
Pre-Apocalyptic Fore-Telling.
And Even a Time-Travel Movie?

As most cinema-goers know, Kelly's films are of the "love it" or "hate it" genre. He pushes the really big questions about life and existence, and if most of us are even worthy of living a full one. He further drives the "what-if" situations in our heads, and does not hold back. For every liberty we hand over, the more we offer ourselves up as controlled slaves and statistics of those higher-ups who are feeding off our non-escapable drowning lives.

Dwayne Johnson (losing "The Rock" title for the first time in his cinematic appearances) carries the film and shows his range even further. His muscles aren't so important this time around. He plays an actor, recently stricken with a bout of amnesia, struggling to piece the last few days together while he seeks solace in the arms of a porn star (Sarah Michelle Gellar), believing the two of them have had a steady relationship for quite some time. Coupled with a side story featuring Sean William Scott, whose dramatic acting matches his comedic style, it shows the silent sacrifice a world would make to not be dependent on fossil fuels.

This film is littered with cameos from all walks of celluloid life, even featuring some returning actors from Darko. Tales, like Kelly's previous film, is not meant to have the story and ideas spoon-fed to you. This film requires a small bit of brain power to understand its message and follow the story. If you are expecting a War of the Worlds film with a smaller budget, you are missing it entirely.

To lay it all out a little better for you, Kelly has released three graphic novels (Chapters 1, 2 and 3), which better illustrate the events leading up to the film, which starts at Chapter 4. Love It or Hate It. But as long as you've received the loud and clear message of Richard Kelly, his job is done. Nothing comes easy, and sometimes the truth hurts.

Have A Nice Apocalypse.

The horror....the horror...

2008-03-15T17:04:00.014-04:00

I've called myself a lot of things regarding my passion for movies -- movie geek, vault of useless trivial knowledge -- but I think the most accurate description is purist. What's ironic here is that my preferred genre is horror, which has become the cloudiest, grainest, most turbid category of them all. Nothing in horror is pure anymore; perhaps it hasn't been in decades, seeing as the idea of sequels gained most of its strength and adoration from horror fans. However, it's not the sequel that causes the voice of Joseph Conrad's Mr. Kurtz (or, perhaps, Brando's Col. Kurtz of Apocalypse Now) to echo in my mind. No, the greatest pain to the horror purist is the one trend more frightening than any bump in the night, any cursed Indian burial ground, or any crazed psycho killer: the horror remake is what causes me to wake up screaming in the night.

Each new crop of horror directors (Tod Browning, James Whale, George Romero, John Carpenter, Tobe Hooper, Wes Craven) has brought the genre into a new echelon. The reason each boom of horror has been so great is because it brought something new into the genre. Herein lies the problem: the current boom in horror is exactly the opposite - nothing is new anymore -- all is remakes.

This was okay for a while....Dracula has been remade countless times, sometimes with actual improvements. The classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers of the sci-fi genre was remade in 1978 - a version many prefer to the original (the new Invasion with Nicole Kidman, however, was definitely terrible). In the 70s, top-of-the-line makeup and special effects were beginning to become essesential to the horror film and greats like Tom Savini were invaluable in the 80s. So updating older films was an exciting venture - a way to take an old story and make it frightening to a new generation. Take movies that weren't great to begin with (except for making your date jump into your lap in fear) and remake them into truly terrifying films! Dark Castle really jump-started the trend by remaking House on Haunted Hill, an original Vincent Price classic. The effects in this film are great, Geoffrey Rush seems to be channelling the late Price himself, and there are genuine scares...the one major fault is the ending - yet there WAS no ending in the original....what can ya do? Dark Castle then moved on to remake 13 Ghosts. As much as I adore the original - you could see the strings carrying the ghosts past the camera!! - the special effects, again, made this remake into what it is - an awesome, fun ride with some really cool makeup. Even the new version of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead brought the wit, horror, and camp of the original to a remake that was just as funny as it was frightening....(my favorite is when the baby zombie looks up and goes, "BLEH!")

Old movies that were campy to begin with are ripe for remaking. The problem here is that Hollywood has begun to search for new opportunities in remake-land. Producers have lost their originality and have begun remaking movies that are classics because they are perfect the way they are. I will, only in passing, bring up Gus Van Sant's Psycho. I don't want to frighten you too much. And then there's that disgusting version of When a Stranger Calls. That crap was taken from the first 20minutes (I swear...no exaggeration) of the original and stretched into 87min of my life that I can't get back. Truly terrifying.

One cause for this trend? Ignorance. Hollywood's favorite demographic is boys in their late teens and 20s and boys love a gorefest. They want action and chaos and something to put their dates in their laps, cowering from the screen....some things never change, I guess. They, however, don't KNOW the original films!!! This drives them to the theater thinking these movies are first-timers, and the more gore, the happier these audiences are.

Being one of the girls who has known guys to cover their eyes from the screen in her prescence, I have asked for nothing less than to be entertained and surprised, gore or no gore. There is no surprise with these remakes, save for the senseless changes in plot. The Haunting (1999) took a brilliant book, The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson - which partly inspired Stephen King to write The Shining - and remade the 1963 film. This movie was so ridiculous, its effects and big-budget stars were blown out of the box office by a little-known Sundance darling that took complete unknowns, half-scripts, and handheld cameras and scared the pants off of its audiences - The Blair Witch Project. Guess why....it was NEW. It was DIFFERENT. It was based in what all quality horror movies water down to - the UNKNOWN.

The most truly frightening aspect of the remake plague in the horror genre is that greed has pushed Hollywood to remake those films that remade the genre. When Jennifer Lopez attempted to remake Casablanca with Ben Affleck, the whole film world almost had an aneurism. But remake Tobe Hooper's Texas Chain Saw Massacre? SURE! How about The Amityville Horror? NO PROBLEM. These two films, from the late 70s, were two of the most brilliant and frightening of the genre...they still are. Then, because remakes like these were hitting it big with an audience ignorant to their originals - someone sold his soul to the Devil and gave Rob Zombie the green light for a remake of Halloween. This man doesn't know how to make an original film. House of 1000 Corpses, his first film, was ripped off from Texas Chain Saw Massacre. But it was gory -- those teenaged boys love their gore....

I consider Halloween (2007) to be the official beginning of the end. Carpenter's classic babysitter-stalking killer has been reduced to the oldest cliche of the 90s --- what? You didn't know that Michael Myers was picked on as a kid??? Please. So now, we are facing a plethora of travesties. Hellraiser (2009) is in production -- minus Doug Bradley, who played Pinhead in EVERY Hellraiser film. The Thing and The Fly, both remade once already, are on the slate. The Evil Dead, The Last House on the Left, Pet Sematary, and The Wolf Man are also coming. There's a Friday the 13th movie, but I'm still not sure about that being a remake or a sequel - the 11th, if you count Freddy vs. Jason.

Entertainment Weekly's latest issue says Rosemary's Baby is being worked out now. These movies are 30 years old, true, but they are fantastic for what they are. Will they remake Jaws? The Godfather? Perhaps Star Wars needs some updating. Shall we try remaking more Hitchcock? I'm not looking forward to the inevitable....they already remade The Omen. If Rosemary is on the block next....The Exorcist can't be far behind....

Hollywood is on a roll...Shutter (opening Mar 21) is a remake of a movie made in Thailand; Prom Night (Apr 11) starred one of the original scream queens, Jaime Lee Curtis. There are more of these things coming...some good, some bad....but as far as I see it...."remake" has become a dirty word.

Oh, and did I mention a remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street is in the works? Yeah....WITHOUT Robert Englund. Blasphemy. Pure blasphemy.

2 blockbusters + 1 potential controversy = 1 crazy summer

2008-03-13T14:16:00.009-04:00

So, I was scouring this Interweb thingie, looking for some info on a few movies that will be coming out this summer, when all of a sudden, I stumbled upon this picture, a screenshot from an upcoming action-comedy called Tropic Thunder (apologies to my 4th-grade teacher for the run-on sentence):

Now, obviously, that's Ben Stiller up front (looking like Zoolander and Rambo's bastard offspring), and that's Jack Black taking up the rear with a blonde dye-job (and some kick-ass shades). But who's that in the middle? If he looks familiar, readers, it's probably because his face is going to be everywhere this summer, including in the preceding post. That's right, folks! It's everyone's favorite Iron Man, Robert Downey, Jr., in a hell of a make-up job.

Obviously, Downey will make a killing this summer with the Iron Man movie (and has already stated his willingness to do multiple sequels), so it's very intriguing to see him take a role that involves him wearing blackface. Such an act will no doubt lead to controversy, particularly due to the long history of racial tension that comes with the make-up. In the early days on cinema, white men wore blackface and became extremely stereotypical exaggerations on African-Americans. Indeed, sometimes even black actors were forced to wear blackface (like in D.W. Griffith's notorious epic Birth of a Nation) in order to emphasize and reinforce the stereotypes. In more recent times, attempts by white actors to "become" black were either laughably bad (Michael Richards in Whoops Apocalypse), outright criticized (Ted Danson's infamous Friars Club appearance), or a combination of the two (C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man).

So, it's safe to say that the tightrope Robert is walking here is an extremely thin and shaky one. There are already rumblings of potential outcry and protests, and we're still 5 months away from the movie's premiere. In the worst-case scenario, this could possibly affect even Iron Man's box office, depending on how far it goes. Sure, Robert Downey, Jr., is a hell of an actor, and should be a lot of fun to watch in Iron Man (as well as his brief appearance in The Incredible Hulk). I wonder if he took the role in Tropic Thunder because he knew his first film this summer was a guaranteed box-office smash, and maybe he wanted to try something a bit (read: very, very) different. Personally, I don't think this role will hurt the box office for either of the Marvel adaptations, but this movie could either be hurt by Robert Downey in blackface (for the aforementioned racial overtones) or could actually give the film a boost (simply for the "Oh, I have got to see this" factor). Even Mr. Downey himself said that it'll either be very successful and well-done, or "we're going to Hell". Either way, it's going to be a wild summer for Mr. Downey; just how wild depends upon what kind of reaction his performance in Tropic Thunder will elicit from the audience.

Maybe it would help if we discuss the plot a bit. A bunch of self-absorbed actors and crew go about making a movie about Vietnam. When the film goes over budget, the studio tries to shut down the production. However, the director (played by Steve Coogan) decides to go rogue, and keeps filming, eventually relocating the actors and crew deeper into the jungles of Southeast Asia, only for everyone to discover that they have now stepped into a literal war zone. So now the actors have to actually go to war. Downey does play a white actor, named Kirk Lazarus, who takes the role that was originally written for a black man, Sgt. Osiris. Of course, there is already another African-American in the cast (Brandon Jackson, formerly from BET), so I'm assuming there will be more than a few racially-motivated jokes tossed between the two characters. Granted, this could be funny, but I hope they didn't create Lazarus simply for that reason alone; there are few things in movies more frustrating than a character that's created simply to be provocative. As I said, it's still months away - there isn't even a formal trailer available - so a lot of this is all conjecture at this point. We shall see in August.

On the whole, the movie looks like it will be entertaining. The cast includes Stiller, Black, Coogan, Nick Nolte, and has cameos from, among others, Tobey Maguire and Tom Cruise. The website for the movie, http://www.tropicthunder.com/, has some funny clips from the film (NOTE: You do have to be 17 to see the site, though. Not my rule.) and gives a good overview of the film. I just worry that this racial issue will be the thing that draws all the publicity and attention, and not the film itself.

But hey, this is Hollywood. Any publicity is good publicity, right?

There's No Rust On Favreau's Upcoming Iron Man.

2008-03-12T00:28:00.009-04:00

I've been a fan of Jon Favreau's work since Swingers. To know he had one hand in writing it and another in starring in it, he has since never left my radar. From his appearances in Rudy, P.C.U., and even Daredevil (-cringe-), his choices have been sporadic and non-linear.

But giving credit when credit is due is an understatement when discussing this man. He seamlessly shifted from actor into the director's chair with ease, providing pictures like Made, Elf and Zathura.

His latest effort is in the form of a Marvel production. Multi-billionaire playboy Tony Stark provides high-profile and highly-deadly weapons to the government but when his convoy is attacked in the war zone, he is forced to create a life support suit, which constantly evolves, due to his endless stash of cash and he turns from big-shot head honcho to crime fighter.

Some comic-to-film adaptations have had a struggle transforming from ink into a moving picture. X-Men: The Last Stand struggled in its real-world believability in terms of spectacle, while the audience watching The Hulk couldn't grasp how much mental trauma it took for a man to turn green. Iron Man seems to make this transition as smooth as silk.

Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal of Tony Stark is a clear-cut case of art imitating life. He's walked that road; he's felt fame slap him in the face and his struggle to stay clean through the haze of the Hollywood drug scene has been admirable. He is more than prepared for this role.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a dutiful actress and has the awards to show for it. The script for this film must have been mighty enticing to have gotten her attention. Coupled with Terrence Howard and Jeff Bridges, this all-star cast is sure to bring this comic movie into the celluloid realm and a carve out a unique story of its own.

Jon Favreau is bringing a beloved comic character to its comic fans. Staying in tight contact with the comic-reading man, Favreau even unveiled one of the Iron Man suits at this year's Comic Con. More than ready to do the comic story justice, he has donned the suit and stepped up to the plate. And does that metal shine!!

Iron Man opens in theaters on May 2nd, 2008.

Okay, Molly -- You win.

2008-03-09T14:39:00.004-04:00

Into the Wild
Paramount

As an high school English teacher, you get involved with literacy and trying to encourage students to read more frequently. The school at which I teach has a literacy team that plans a schedule of books and book talks throughout the year. This year, Into the Wild was one of those selections. I tried to read it, but lack of free time and a slight aversion to nonfiction prevented me from actually finishing it...I'm just not a fan of books that speculate about "what probably happened." I hated The Perfect Storm, a book that's approximately 300 pgs long, in which the main characters die at about 150pgs. Anyway, Jon Krakauer's book was selected also because the adaptation was coming out into theaters and a movie always catches the attention of non-readers.

The movie was released and I heard from one student, Molly, "OMG, Pas....it's the greatest movie EVER!! It's totally my favorite!" I apologize, Molly, for making you sound like a Valley Girl, but I can't properly capture your energy in a blog. Maybe I'll have you record it for me later. Point being, Molly ADORES this movie and hasn't stopped talking about it since she first saw it....she has since seen it an estimated 5-6 times...three of those this week alone. Into the Wild was released on DVD this past Tuesday, March 4th, and there was Molly, with DVD in hand, demanding that I give it a try. With trepidation, I watched it. All 2hrs and 28min of it.

Well, guess what. Molly's right. I expected to write a review for this movie with apologies to Molly about how much I was bored by it. Completely not the case. While the movie is rather long, the story is fascinating and inspiring and brilliantly acted.

Emile Hirsch plays Christopher Johnson McCandless, a freshly-out-of-college 23 yr. old who searches for truth. His family life is rocky at best, aside from the closeness he and his sister share. At his celebratory dinner, his parents offer to buy him a brand new car and he is offended by this. The reaction struck me as odd, as I expect it would most people, because who wouldn't want a brand new car? The point is quickly illuminated. Chris eschews material things and yearns to live his life freely and without what he considers to be the evils of society. Material things weigh us down, he believes, and cause us to lie to "fit in" or be accepted. His one desire is to complete his Great Journey - to Alaska - and live off the land.

The film is divided into chapters of growth - from Birth to Manhood - and we are brought along on a remarkable journey across the country. Chris, traveling as Alexander Supertramp, meets many and enlightens the people whom he comes across and you adore them as much as you do him.

The supporting cast is just superb - from hippie Catherine Keener, to parents William Hurt and Marcia Gay Harden, sister Jena Malone and young, impressionable Kristen Stewart, to the Academy Award-nominated, sweet, yet stubborn Hal Holbrook. Each is simply, heartbreakingly human and you love love love every single person. You cheer for their accomplishments and feel for their losses. It's because Emile Hirsch's portrayal of Chris is so endearing and real that you feel what he feels for them.

How Hirsch was overlooked for an Academy Award nomination is astounding to me. Also, I think Sean Penn's screenwriting and directing talents are clearly evident with Into the Wild. While the movie is a tad long and you find yourself checking how much is left in the film, it's not through boredom exactly....it's more in wonder of what's coming next and how much time you have to travel left with Chris. I can't quite pin down if it's the feel of a long movie or the dread of what you know is coming - like The Perfect Storm, it's no secret that our hero doesn't make it out of this film alive. Yet you still wish he does, especially when you come to know him as the brilliant, caring, inspiring human being Christopher McCandless must have been.

Thanks, Molly. Good call.

Available on DVD now.

John Hears Happy Children (but is that enough?)

2008-03-07T12:06:00.006-05:00

Coming out next Friday is the computer-animated adaptation of Dr. Seuss's classic Horton Hears a Who! Here's the trailer for it:

There's a few things I have to say about this. First, the animation looks great - very colorful and expressive, but not over-the-top cartoony (which, considering it is from a Dr. Seuss book, would have been an easy road to take). The Whos, in particular, are well-animated. This, of course, is aided by the ever-hilarious Steve Carell; you can easily envision Mr. Carell making the same movements and expressions as his animated persona. It looks as if the interaction amongst the Whos will provide plenty of comedy for the parents and older kids, while the little ones laugh it up for Jim Carrey's presentation of the happy-go-lucky Horton (Carrey may not have been my first choice for the role - still hard to look past Ace Ventura and Lloyd Christmas - but he was a lot of fun as the Grinch, and it looks like he'll elicit quite a few laughs from the crowd this time around). The one worry I may have about this film (though this is just a teaser) isn't particularly aimed at Horton or the Whos, or even Fox and Blue Sky Studios - it's more of a general lamentation.

At their core, Dr. Seuss' books all provide a lesson for the juvenile audience. Horton Hears a Who! is about tolerance and acceptance. In the book (as you may recall), the other animals persecute and imprison Horton because they can't hear or see the Whos. The Whos manage to save Horton - and themselves - by shouting as loud as they can, and even then, it is only the added volume from the littlest Who that makes them heard to all the other animals. The well-known line from that book, "A person's a person, no matter how small", not only teaches children to be kind to others, but it also lets them know that they should be respected and appreciated themselves. Granted, if the child is acting like a little monster, it can be fairly difficult to appreciate the brat, but you get my point.

The problem I have in general is that too often, the studios will be willing to sacrifice the true morals and lessons of the stories in order to get a few more laughs out of the audience. Part of the blame falls on the parents, too - it seems to me that parents nowadays care more about keeping their child entertained, and education is only secondary. We've regressed from Sesame Street (pre-Elmo) to Barney to the Teletubbies to Boohbah (if you don't know, don't ask). And I worry that a bunch of animals threatening to turn an entire colony of Whos into beezlenut stew may be seen as "too dark and scary" for the young ones, which would be really unfortunate. Dr. Seuss' books have been a staple of childhood for generations - I would hope that the folks at Fox have the common sense and respect for the good doctor to keep the essence of the story intact. We'll see in seven days.

Braving the Dark Side of Humanity

2008-03-06T16:05:00.006-05:00

The Brave One
Warner Bros. Pictures

So on a recent, icy Friday night with little to do, I decided to order something from On Demand. Anyone who's ever navigated through the On Demand menu knows it takes days, but after much menu searching and deliberation, I decided to give The Brave One a shot.

When this movie was released in theaters, I was impressed by the premise, but I really didn't think it would go anywhere really interesting. I mean, yeah - the vigilantism and revenge movie thing has been done -- a number of times....the ones that come to mind for me are Eye for an Eye and Double Jeopardy. I liked Eye, but Double Jeopardy left me cold...I mean, how interesting is a movie that requires you to wait out a resolution you already know! Not impressed by that one. Anyway, I figured the wronged woman turned strong woman thing couldn't give me much that was new but this little gem surprised me.

The Brave One stars Jodie Foster as Erica Bain, a radio host with a show about walking the streets of New York. She and her fiance, played by Naveen Andrews...of Lost fame...get attacked in Central Park and are brutally beaten. Erica survives, her fiance doesn't. What follows is an interesting study in the dark side human nature -- fear, depression, anger, identity-struggle. Erica finds herself afraid to leave her apartment building until she decides to procure a gun for herself. The vigilantism doesn't begin immediately, however, as we're led to believe by the trailers...she falls into it accidentally. Erica becomes a witness to a violent domestic dispute and has to defend herself. This is her first time actually shooting the gun and her self-exploration as a result is what the movie really focuses upon.

Foster has always been very selective with her roles. She plays intelligent, tough women and does so successfully every time. The Brave One is no different. She brings out the humanity in a New Yorker who loves her city so much she carries a tape recorder to capture its essence. She's got such passion, too, that I believe her show (if it existed - SIRIUS Satellite Radio, anyone?) would do very well....at least, I'd be a dedicated listener. You feel for her every step of the way and her fear is completely relatable.

Terrence Howard gives a really understated performance as Detective Mercer. He's really, really good -- we knew this already, but I don't think he gets the credit he really deserves. Take Denzel Washington minus a few sensationalism points. Where Denzel is out in the fight dredging stuff up, Howard is the silent observant type who looks before he leaps. You may disagree, but I just see him as much more low-key than Denzel, yet just as talented.

What's really interesting about this film is the friendship that comes to fruition between Bain and Mercer -- not because he's looking at her as a suspect, mind you, but because, again, they kind of fall into each other's laps. It's difficult to explain without giving stuff away, which you all know I hate to do. Suffice it to say, their relationship is just as interesting as Erica's actions.

The gems of this movie, aside from some really great performances, are the cinematography -- really great angles -- editing, and the ending. The editing is really cool -- clipping together intimate scenes between Erica and her fiance with scenes of their attack and the hospital afterwards. Really stuns you into the realization that this is too real for comfort and that this is the last intimacy they'll share. There are others, too, but that one really impressed me. An odd choice, but extremely effective. The ending, though, is just fabulous. You really don't expect this kind of ending, but, on another level, you could find it controversial. I remember when the movie was released, some people had issue with the title - a glorification of a vigilante, essentially -- and with the overall plot. I can see why, but I still really enjoyed it.

One other potential shortcoming -- it seems that Bain really just steps into trouble repeatedly...I mean, superheroes don't meet danger this frequently. While I understand that it goes with the plot and overall theme, it can be a tad overdone. A minor issue in an otherwise cool flick.

Bottom line, check this one out. It's really worth seeing, simply for the performances and technicalities of the film. But I really think you'll be intrigued by the choices the filmmakers made with this one -- editing, camera angles, and ending.

Available now on DVD.

Say NO to #4!!

2008-03-06T00:35:00.006-05:00

I think they're beating a dead horse, in my opinion.

Why jeopardize the fantastic trilogy; especially when they ended on Indy searching for his most prized and priceless possession: his own father.

A story about a father and son is the root of almost every Spielberg film. Either the son has no father, the father returns, or the son finds a father figure he's long been yearning for. Such examples include A.I.: Artificial Intelligence, War of the Worlds, E.T., hell even Hook.

They ended The Indiana Jones Trilogy perfectly, in my opinion. I feel the story should have ended there. I will be very reluctant when this project comes to theaters. It will leave a nasty taste in my stomach watching a much-older and should-be-retired Harrison Ford running and jumping and cracking the old whip. What will be even worse is the fact that the rest of the audience will be thinking the same thing. People will go to the cinema out of sympathy and the lost hopes that this adventure will live up to the originals.

Ford doesn't look too bad for his age. But with Industrial Light & Magic at Spielberg's disposal, he can make a newborn baby look like Gandhi, and vice versa. I don't understand why they are bringing back Marion Ravenwood - none of the other "Indy girls" came back, so why ruin the recurring? I do believe Spielberg is obsessed with Shia LaBeouf and ever since Transformers, he has been trying to get the young lad into one of his films.

I want to see if Cate Blanchett signed on for this film just for fun, or if her role will actually have some meat to it. Ray Winstone has been gaining some momentum with parts in The Departed and Beowulf, but in this film, he looks like a possible slimeball, a lengthier rehashing of Alfred Molina's character in Raiders of The Lost Ark. Denholm Elliott is turning in his grave.

And where is Sallah??

--Predictions--

I believe the first action sequence, right at the start of the film, will be Indy infiltrating the nursing home where they have his dad. Fully-loaded bedpans will be boobytrapped along the floors, with diapers swinging on pulleys that he will have to evade. He will face a gauntlet, including changing the diapers of the residents, and dressing them by the names scribbled on the tags behind the neck.

There will be a wheelchair chase sequence through the halls. Walking canes will be used for sword duels and the beeps of heart monitors will unravel a secret code as to where the most cherished artifact, the golden Serenity diaper, is in safe keeping.

But luckily, Indy will escape, unbeknownst to him that his father was transferred to a home in Florida. Cue the wonderful red dot plane-travel sequence.
--------------

I pray the hat and whip are not handed down to LaBeouf. I enjoy his versatility as an actor, but to put the fate of the continuation of these adventures in his hands sounds like celluloid suicide.

Is this what cinema is coming to? Rebirthing deceased successes in hopes of getting people off their couches, away from their 52-inch plasma screen televisions with a Dolby 5.1 surround sound hookup and push them into a theater with chain-smoking, coughing-up-a-lung ignoramuses, crying babies, and the constant tearing of snack-food wrappers.

Count me out.

Video games and Hollywood or: How I Learned to Stop Caring and Ignore the Garbage

2008-03-05T00:41:00.007-05:00

Let me start off by saying two things: 1) I love movies. 2) My love for movies is overshadowed only by my love for video games. It's borderline addiction, and as Andy can tell you, sometimes I scare people when talking about them. So when I was looking at Andy's post on re-inventing the Mortal Kombat movies, it struck me - has there ever been a movie based off a video game that has actually been good? Most of you know the answer already: no, there hasn't. Not one. Sure, some may be seen as mildly entertaining fare, like the first Resident Evil and the Tomb Raider films, but there hasn't been one that I've seen that really captures the spirit of the game and leaves me with a lasting impression (nausea doesn't count). Here's the real question, though... Why is that?

Video games, particularly ones popular enough to have treatments made for them, typically have a plot already set up. Sure, most of them are fairly straightforward, Point A-to-Point B, good-vs-evil standard fare, but in modern games, it is not uncommon to see intriguing subplots, great character development, and fantastic worlds that just beg to be translated pixel-by-pixel to the silver screen. However, the more I think about it, the more I begin to understand the difficulties that could arise.

First, sometimes the games, mainly the old ones that you used to play on your NES or Sega Genesis, didn't have much of a backstory (or if it did, it was largely forgettable). So, Hollywood writers were forced to explain things that were simply taken for granted by gamers. Most of the time, their explanations were so obtuse that you wondered exactly how strong their ganja was. So what ended up happening was that the movie alienated the masses who just didn't understand what was going on, but it also alienated the hardcore fans by changing things around to the point where it became a shadow of the game it was supposed to honor. Movies like Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, and the unbelievably abysmal Super Mario Bros. all fall into this category. Indeed, even today, there are a few unnecessary tweaks in the adaptations that have frustrated many gamers - Hitman, for example, changed much of the back-story for its main character, Agent 47, and also made him, dare I say, somewhat less plausible. I always thought a contract killer was supposed to be stealthy, but hey, if you want to blow up everything in your path, more power to you, I guess.

Then there are the adaptations that just try to suck the money out of your wallet. These, like BloodRayne, House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark, are poorly written, poorly produced, pieces of garbage (and wouldn't you know it, they were all directed by Uwe Boll!). Funny, if I didn't know any better, I'd think Mr. Boll was intentionally making horrible gaming movies just so he can make a bunch of cash off of kids who don't know any better. Word to the wise, folks - if you see Uwe Boll's name attached to a movie, run. Run far, far away. If you've been playing too many video games and can't run for an extended period of time, call a cab. The important thing is that you distance yourself from the unholy black essence of said abomination.

However, in my opinion, the one fatal flaw in game-based movies is the one thing that will probably never be translated from your XBox to the big screen: interactivity. The whole fun of video games is that you get to live vicariously through the hero. To play as Master Chief, or Link, or Mario, or hundreds of other characters, offers an escape from reality, but one which is completely dependent upon your actions and control. Therefore, the hero in the game becomes an extension of yourself, and so even though the game's the same for everyone, the characters and stories have a slightly different resonance for each individual player. That's the biggest obstacle to overcome - even if the studio manages to line up a solid cast and script, it may still be difficult to get the audience to buy into the story, because they're not the ones telling it. I will give the makers of Doom credit for the five-minute, first-person-view segment in an attempt to re-create the experience, but it's not the same. It can't be the same. The visceral experience of controlling the hero in a game just cannot be reproduced by a cast of actors.

So, if that's the case, it is possible to make a good movie based on a game? I think it still is. Getting feedback from gamers would certainly help the writers and directors get a feel for the tone and style of the story and setting, and if you fail to follow the plot of the game, you should still be able to place a new plot in the same universe without having to make drastic changes to the characters or the backstory. The game developers manage to do it all the time; surely the Hollywood writers can do the same. The source material is often pretty good... there's little need to mess with the formula. As I said, it's not possible to perfectly re-create the video game on film, but as long as the spirit of the game is honored and maintained, the gaming audience should be satisfied. God knows they haven't been very satisfied so far.

Will Hollywood actually get the message? Who knows? But with production for movies based on Spy Hunter, Castlevania, Postal, and even The Sims (your guess is as good as mine) underway, as well as rumors about Halo, Splinter Cell, and Max Payne (not to mention the scores of other games that deserve a movie), we'll have plenty of opportunities over the coming years to see if they can get it right.

This gamer is keeping his fingers crossed.

Creepy orphans = feel good movie? 'Tis true!

2008-03-04T23:23:00.004-05:00

I went to this movie knowing very little. I do that sometimes....see movies I know barely anything about:

1. It involved Guillermo Del Toro, who directed Hellboy (don't judge...not a bad flick) and El Labertino del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth)...which I ADORED. I thought he directed this too, but it turns out he's a producer. Whatever...I'll take the bait.

2. It was some kind of a Spanish horror movie. I'd seen the trailer only once and the Del Toro thing had already hooked me. This looked to me like a haunted house movie, a genre in which we are hard-pressed to find GOOD flicks. Fine.

3. The main character grew up in the house she lives in now...it was the orphanage she lived in. And it's haunted. SOLD.

That's it. I knew nothing else. I thought I'd enjoy it. Good movies don't come out often and it's been quite a while since I NEEDED to see a movie. This opened and I really wanted to see it, since it looked like a quality horror/psychological something-or-other kind of movie. I didn't realize it would be equally haunting, touching, and would keep me pretty well freaked-out for almost the whole thing.

If a movie can make me jump more than once, and keep me genuinely on edge in suspense, I'm a happy girl. (LOVED The Forgotten - I was actually on a blind date for that one....I almost jumped in the guy's lap at the car accident....egad!) Throw in some great games and some really creepy hauntings, I'm paying close attention. Add a dash of classic literature and you've got me, hook, line, and sinker.

Directed by J. A. Bayona, El Orfanato stars Belen Rueda as Laura, a woman who now owns the orphanage in which she grew up. She and her husband, Carlos (Fernando Cayo), plan to utilize it as a home for special kids. Their adopted son, Simon, adorably played by Roger Princep, has imaginary friends, a great personality, and, tragically, HIV. (Side note...most of these actor names have accents, but I can't figure a way to get an accent in this type, so it's bugging me right now....) Anyway. Simon's two starter imaginary friends, Pepe and Walton, get replaced by Tomas and five other children. His parents are slightly concerned, but, hey...imaginative kid...no harm.

Simon disappears one day while Laura and Carlos are hosting a welcoming party for their special kids' families. He's missing for quite some time, and now their home is creaking, doors are slamming, and a small boy in a sack mask keeps showing up in the hallways. Obviously, Laura will stop at nothing to find Simon - posters, support groups, mediums/paranormal experts (you KNOW I loved this sequence....ten times freakier than Poltergeist's!).

This movie is so suspenseful, you won't want to tear your eyes away. The tie-ins to literature and Laura's childhood are extremely touching and the movie's resolution just makes the film an experience. It rings familiar with a novel by Orson Scott Card called Lost Boys - no - no relation to that awesome vampire flick we all love. Card's novel is fabulous...add that to your list, too. I won't give away which piece of literature is utilized here, but as Pan's Labyrinth used Alice in Wonderland, this other classic is used just as wonderfully.

I don't often leave suspense/horror films with the feeling of elation and wonder that I did tonight. As far as I'm concerned, this movie is close-to, if not completely, perfect.
Those of you who whine about foreign films and subtitles need to get over yourselves. El Orfanato(The Orphanage), like Life is Beautiful, Cinema Paradiso, and El Labertino del Fauno (Pan's Labyrinth), is so spectacular, you have to make the effort to get over not wanting to "read" your movies. There's no effort whatsoever. This movie will captivate you and your imagination....if you're anything like me, that is.

Available on DVD on April 22, 2008

Ju-know you want to see it.

2008-03-04T22:59:00.005-05:00

Juno
Fox Searchlight Pictures

It's being hailed as the next Little Miss Sunshine, which I hate. Not LMS, I luurrrrve that movie. I hate that people always have to compare movies with others....really, that people have to compare anything with what preceded it. Perhaps it's unavoidable...I do it myself, admittedly. But anyway....

Yes, Juno is the next independent film to get big reviews and actually be a film people will see. Will it become the next My Big Fat Greek Wedding? (See?? There I go again!) No. Juno stands on its own as a very, very funny flick about a non-conformist -- aka "weird" -- 16 year old girl who gets pregnant. Is that all there is to it? Of course not.

Ellen Page is a wonderful actress. She was really freaky-cool in Hard Candy (2005) but you would know her, if your memory is better than mine, as Kitty Pryde in X-Men: The Last Stand. One way or the other, she's definitely an up-and-comer. She's so dry and, well, the word "witty" doesn't describe her properly. Her one-liners are so brilliant you want to write them down and use them yourself. Granted, the credit for those one-liners should go to Academy Award-winning writer Diablo Cody. She completely deserves that golden statuette for writing this flick, but it's Page's delivery that sends this one to the stratosphere. My personal fave is when she's arguing with her stepmother about dogs - apparently her stepmom's goal is to own Weimaraners - and Juno (Page) responds with a "Oooh...dream big." as she leaves the room. I totally don't do it justice, but it's hysterical. Trust me.

Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman (whom I had a wicked crush on when he was on The Hogan Family -- yeah...I said it. ) play a couple Juno finds in the Pennysaver - a couple who wants to adopt. Garner's got the "I'm high-class, but feel bad for me" sympathetic character thing down...she annoys you, but you do feel for her. Bateman plays the stifled cool guy who has a room -- one whole room -- to himself for his stuff and connects with Juno over Sonic Youth...sort of...and horror movies (my kind of guy...did I mention I had a crush on him once? )

JK Simmons (yes, Dr. Skoda from Law & Order) plays Juno's dad and Allison Janney plays her stepmom. Both have great scenes in which their characters just shine. Michael Cera, Olivia Thirlby, and Rainn Wilson are also fabulous in their respective parts. It really is a movie about people and their interactions, but it's an extremely hysterical, yet touching, look at what happens when a 16-year-old makes an uncharacteristically unintelligent choice.

Put this one on your list. It starts off a little slowly, with interactions between Juno and her friend Leah that resound with Thora Birch & Scarlett Johanssen/Mena Suvari (Ghost World/American Beauty, respectively) but the movie definitely turns away from these others....remember those comparisons? Unavoidable, I told you. The music, writing, and character development is non-comparable. The music especially. A movie that uses a song called "Anyone Else But You", by The Moldy Peaches and has it performed by the characters themselves is touching....

...one that follows that moment with a song called, "Vampire" by a group called Antsy Pants...with lyrics that go "IamavampireIamavampireIamavampire"....yeah. That movie rocks....go see this one.

Available on DVD April 15, 2008

Re-Casting Mortal Kombat!!

2008-03-04T10:40:00.009-05:00

This one was a lot of fun to come up with some ideas if New Line (who is losing about 75% of their employees very soon) ever decided to start from scratch. There were rumors for a long time that a third MK movie was in the works, but with the fan distaste of the original two, why greenlight the project.

Now, on with the casting choices:

Why? Because Tony Jaa is well-built, performs all of his stunts himself and never uses any computer-generated enhancements. Plus, finding a physical way to bicycle kick without wires would truly be a sight.

Why? Chris Evans has the strength, the charm and the comedic timing executed in the Fantastic Four films. He might be a bit young, but it would certainly bring another element to the table in terms of a young-pup fighter away from the film set he's used to.

Why? Lena Headey is carving out a niche for herself as a leading lady. As of late with 300 and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, she's got presence and if she bulked up a little more, finding Kano in Outworld would be a walk in the park for her.

Why? Because Ken Watanabe can do anything.

Why? Because this film would finally mark a moment in cinematic time when Russell Crowe wouldn't have to adopt an accent different than his own. Plus, he's a rough and tumble man from down under. I'm sure many fans would like to see if he's still got the fighting chops after raising two children.

Why? Jet Li has stated he will not do any more large epic action/martial arts films, but this is fantasy casting anyway. Just knowing he's under that mask would drive people to the seats to catch some excellent fight scenes. Just watch Lethal Weapon 4; he can act with his eyes alone and still getl a chill to run down your spine.

Why? I know I'm going to catch hell for this - but I am actually a fan of The Rock's acting. He isn't afraid to poke fun at himself via The Game Plan, and I am very much anticipating his perfomance in Southland Tales. Plus, I feel a larger presence is needed for Scorpion, compared to the thin, borderline-lanky Chris Cassamassa. Just as long as Dwayne Johnson didn't cock that eyebrow behind the mask. GET OVER HERE!!

Why? Here's where it could get interesting. I enjoyed the animatronic Goro in the original film, but wasn't scared of him at all. I'd want to see a fully computer-generated Goro, voiced by Richard Newman, who gave the character of Rhinox from Beast Wars: Transformers a bit of a stoic, old-warrior air about him. Although, if this film was made, there'd be no fight with Liu Kang, seeing as Tony Jaa doesn't dabble in the digital world. A pity, but I'd pay $10 to hear Chris Evans says "Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole!!"

And finally...

Why? First, because he was a protege of Sonny Chiba, the original Street Fighter. I know: wrong game and taken out of context, but we're still sticking with the video game-to-film motif. Ever since seeing Sanada's performance in The Last Samurai, I was blown away by his acting ability. Sunshine solidified that fact tenfold. I'd love to see him act out a powerful, deadly, shape-shifting sorcerer. I'd foresee a much better fight scene between Jaa and Sanada than in the original climax. Hell, even hearing Jaa say "Flawless Victory" would be more entertaining than the final fight.

There you have it. So real it hurts!!

M. Night Shyamalan: Restricted by Hollywood or King of Dull Endings?

2008-03-03T13:49:00.009-05:00

M. Night Shyamalan's celluloid track record is less than satisfactory as of late. The average cinemagoer was blown away at the ending of The Sixth Sense, but now have turned a naked eye at his latest directorial efforts. Why? Because the endings are quite dull. He paints an epic picture; Signs featured an alien invasion shown only through the eyes of a rural town. The subject matter is on a grand scale, but the point of view, instead of a world stage, is restricted to a peephole.

His concepts are lacking longevity when they clearly have the chance to. But who is to blame? Could it be the studios financing the film, cutting corners in hopes of surviving its opening week with a few cents in their pockets? Or the writer, who birthed the whole concept only to watch it butchered by producers or script doctors? Or the executor, who brings its from page to screen?

I, personally, have only watched The Sixth Sense three times. I have no need to see it again. I learned the extremely clever and spooky ending with the first viewing, and in the second and third, watched for all those moments missed that led to the ending. They were right under our noses, but once you learn of them, there is no need to re-visit.

His latest film, The Happening, seems to be following in the same sci-fi/thriller/horror that his previous films have. However, from some of the shots shown in the trailer, it appears to be adhering to the epic subject/epic viewpoint mentality that some films need to have that feeling of balance. This is a far cry from his other projects in terms of vision, but he has cemented himself in that particular supernatural genre.

And if he is comfortable there, then have a seat, Mr. Shyamalan. We'll watch your films with popcorn in hand, just don't make us waste our money.

A nice step back to think about steps forward.

2008-02-29T14:52:00.006-05:00

300
Warner Brothers
Legendary Pictures

Maybe I went in expecting not to be so impressed, since this film targetted practically everyone from 18-35 who had even the smallest taste for history, violence, toned masculine bodies, blood, war and extremely poky nipples. And boy was I sure right. This was aimed for the Tarantino generation, and precise marketing and on-screen decapitations kept the audience's thirst for more bloodshed quenched.

I wasn't that disappointed with the film, which I will cover later. Let me moan about the other cinemagoers that graced the theater with their presence last night. Its getting worse. Not the cinema, well thats for certain. I'm talking about the common shred of respect from one man to another about keeping your piehole shut during the duration. I don't need to be reminded that the Spartan on-screen just died a good death by hearing you saying: "Oh shit, he just got killed." The world is full of enough Captain Obviouses, I don't need one close to me in a movie theater to repeat what my eyes and ears have already taken note of.

And during the more political scenes back at Sparta, these four cumquats decided to chat it all up behind me, and rob me of the subplot the 300 team felt should be in there to balance with all the action and gore. The 300 team filed miserably while the idiots behind me won in their keen methods of verbal distraction. Wankers, the lot of them.

Now, onto the moofie:
It had some vision, I'll give it that. Granted the only real stylized violence I enjoy thoroughly is from Jackie Chan films - and not Rush Hour, but his older stuff like Rumble in the Bronx and First Strike. It had its moments of graphic novel-inspired shots, which were a great reference to a film primarily shot in front of a bluescreen. Stylized violence is still violence, a spear going into a man's chest, then back out is still violent. Everyone knew the digital blood was digital; added in during post-production. But what's going to happen after seeing this film 8 times, at the real sight of blood, will said desensitized person say: "Oh shit, he just got killed."

There was a time when that kind of violence and war was inevitable among great civilizations. And idiots like us in the modern age ought to realize we don't need to be barbarians and kill each other in the name of freedom or 'restoring freedom to those who never had it.' There's a war waging right now, and this film couldn't have been released at more of a perfect time. That is, if you're pro-war, which I certainly am not. Some of the moments hit a little close to home, reminding me of this country's current state of affairs. Sure our might may be as strong as a Spartan Phalanx, but that doesn't mean we need to use it to gain commodities which do not belong to us.

The inspirational quotes in the film, from soldier to soldier, leader to army, etc, were all regurgitated and re-worded from previous dialogue throughout all media and all time. I could only shake my head and yearn for originality.

I was entertained for two hours, simple as that. Not as entertained as I could have been, but it was still worth watching. Never forget the past or else you are destined to relive it. Thats all I gained from this film. A nice step back to think about steps forward.

300 is available to own on DVD starting July 31st, 2007.

Style and Grace: The Right Way To Go Out.

2008-02-29T13:53:00.003-05:00

The Bucket List
Warner Brothers

One would assume Jack Nicholson's heyday had long since passed. His younger days spawned bedazzling films such as One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and The Shining; both now are the pillars of cinema. But don't count old Jack out yet.

His latest film is The Bucket List, directed by Rob Reiner, who directed such treasures as The Princess Bride and Stand By Me. His films are presented in a balance that leaves many a director envious of his style. A little action here, a little romance there, a little horror here and more genres for all palettes. In this film's case, Edward Cole (Nicholson) and Carter Chambers (Morgan Freeman) are terminally-ill cancer patients who escape the hospital ward and use Cole's wealth for a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they "kick the bucket." Nicholson comes off as a cold-hearted grump who just wants some peace and quiet in his dying days, while Freeman comes off as being grateful for his life, but not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

I am envisioning elements of Grumpy Old Men, but with a spark of lifetime regrets. We can all admit old people are funny, and I can expect a good deal of comedy between Nicholson and Freeman, but layered with facing the facts that there are a lot of things these old timers didn't have a chance to do in their lives. Jack Lemmon (RIP) and Walter Matthau (RIP) lived as old children in the two Grumpy films they made, but I expect this upcoming movie to be an enlightening tale of these two men coming terms with their lives, whether it be a good life lived or a bad one.

I hope Nicholson lives vicariously through Freeman in order to redeem himself; for all the pain he has caused other people and to himself. With every check-mark on the list comes another chance for Nicholson to be a better man. Cole now has the chance to look back on his life in joy, because we all want to feel that way before we meet the man upstairs.

The Bucket List opens December 25th, 2007.

All Roads Lead To Rome in "Brooklyn Rules."

2008-02-29T13:15:00.004-05:00

Brooklyn Rules
City Lights Pictures

Starring: Freddie Prinze Jr., Scott Caan, Jerry Ferrara, Alec Baldwin and Mena Suvari.
Director: Michael Corrente

It's 6:45PM outside the Columbus Theater on Broadway in Providence. My beautiful girlfriend is tightly in tow while being greeted by suited men with the flashiest ties and handkerchiefs; the easiest form of dialogue emitting from their lips as we shake hands: "How you doin'?" I glanced down to my own attire of a black suit jacket, graphic tee shirt, jeans and hiking sneakers and instantly mused about the thoughts of winding up in a dark alley with a bullet between my eyes for dressing unaccordingly. But hell, its a movie premiere in the smallest state of the union; I had a feeling I'd make it out alive.

I have to make this abundantly clear: just because people reside in or around Providence, does not mean they have social ties with the mob. I'm a rather odd breed of eight different nationalities; one quarter of my blood is filled with Italian ancestry while my skin and facial hair resembles that of an Irishman. Sticky situation, don't you think? Fitting in by blood but not fitting in by appearance. I knew I was due for a haircut and a long-desired session with a beard trimmer, but time hasn't been my ally lately. I pressed on inside, being greeted by the director and noticing at least two acquaintances from my old high school. Only in Rhode Island, I thought to myself.

Now, a heavy portion of us here in RI are still obsessing over the last Sopranos season, while others have not been so dedicated and shifted to other channels for crime/drama films or shows to feed their need for mob-related madness. Surprisingly enough, Terence Winter, a contributing writer to The Sopranos, has held a gem for a long time before placing it in the hands of the perfect director: Michael Corrente. This gem will become known as Brooklyn Rules. The Pawtucket, Rhode Island native's vision has flourished from previous films such as Federal Hill and American Buffalo. With cinematographer Richard Crudo at his side, the duo takes us back to a time in a Brooklyn neighborhood during the mid-80's at the peak of mobster John Gotti's invasion.

Entrance into the dangerous mob world is easily within the reach of the three main characters. Michael (Prinze Jr.) has aspirations of becoming a lawyer; a dream sometimes thought unattainable due to his background. Carmine (Caan) has always been fascinated with the mob, and when the local gangster (Baldwin) takes an interest in him, he can fall victim to the life of crime, false respect, money and bloodshed. Bobby (Ferrara) is forced to grow up, face reality, and finally take the reins of his two-year relationship with his girlfriend (Keena). It was a simpler time years ago, but as they grow up, they run the risk of growing apart.

This film shows the unbreakable bonds between neighborhood friends, despite what roads they take in life. We've all grown up on a street block so it is almost too easy to connect with characters who have known each other since they were in their mothers' wombs. Time and change is their worst enemy: their interests, goals and obligations change as each develop into their own man.

Its dark in the nightclubs. Its bright on Columbia University's campus. It is real. The design of the film makes it feel as more of a memory in the back of your mind than a visual representation of the celebrated 1980's; where musical ballads showcased a way of life for all to live up to and a disgustingly large amount of hair spray was found on the top of everyone's head. Looking ahead twenty years, we are bombarded with spam emails, endless tele-marketers from a different country and credit card offers with the highest percentage rate stuffed in your mailbox. Things were certainly simpler before technology took the helm.

The pacing is as organic as a story on film can get. Its well-balanced: not too much violence, not too much love, not too many wisecracks and you can easily sink into your seat and relax scene by fruitful scene. It flows more swift than the Blackstone and leaves you wanting more by the end. The music of the times aided heavily in the film's soundtrack, once again resorting to the fitting tracks of artists such as the Rolling Stones. This film's soundtrack reminds me how easily the right music can lift a scene and burn it into your memory. These days, some people remember songs by what film they were used in, and I suffer from that diagnosis honorably.

Corrente has rejuvenated many of the actors' careers in this film. Sadly enough, what does everyone remember Freddie Prinze Jr. (Michael) from: Wing Commander? Scooby-Doo? I shiver at the thought of him being remembered for those celluloid disasters. This film let him flaunt his acting chops for once in his life, and it certainly paid off. He sports a range that will make most women quiver: that of a guy from dirty Brooklyn who once thought he could only dream of something better. But now, he's got the means to do so and Prinze Jr. glistens on the screen rather than being set aside in the hunt for the latest ghost inhabiting an old run-down hotel.

Scott Caan (Carmine) displays the perfect 'wannabe-wiseguy,' reminding me constantly of local denizens I see in passing on the streets or in the local bar. Rhode Island takes its movies home with them; sadly I just don't hear anyone imitating Yoda on the streets as of late. Caan has certainly put himself next to his father (James Caan) in terms of selecting his roles and diving into the character headfirst. Leave the cannoli, keep Caan. His talent leaves hope for other actors his age.

Jerry Ferrara (Bobby) is the real heart of the film. His character, Bobby, easily breaks him away from his Entourage mold. His endless dedication to his best friends make us yearn to go back in time when all we'd have to do is toss a pebble at a friend's window to get them outside and hang out, compared to playing phone tag on cell phones during rush hour. He's the sweet and devoted bedrock we wish we'd always had growing up. He never ventures too far away; he knows his place and he is happy with that.

Alec Baldwin bestows a solid foundation and teasing entry into the underworld of organized crime. He hasn't been this appealing since The Hunt For Red October and you find yourself wanting to be taken under his protective wing. Though he is the personification of corruption on the streets, his long-distant charm has finally made its way back to his portrayals.

Mena Suvari provides the outside point-of-view that the film demanded. She plays a Connecticut girl attending the prestigious Columbia University while learning firsthand of the grungy side of life: fist-fights, respect and remembering where you always come from. Since there is lack of a police presence in this 'crime' movie, Suvari's character acts as the closest translator for the audience. She is the conscience, reminding what is right and wrong even in a life filled with crime, crisis and turmoil.

Rules has something for everyone. It is laced extensively with priceless comedic moments, hidden yet-torturous gangster scenes shot in tribute of The Public Enemy, and the most subtle and gentle scenes that make a guy feel lucky to have a girl by his side. This isn't a mob movie, although many will strongly disagree. In a typical mob film, our main character watches as his friends are murdered around him before he meets his own untimely demise. Whereas in "Rules," we discover that friends are the one thing you've always got that your enemies can never take away.

This buddy film beautifully lays the pavement for another "Buddy" picture; one I am sure all of Providence and its surrounding counties has been craving to see. Michael Corrente has always returned to his roots and it certainly shows in his films. Hollywood won't be getting him anytime soon; he's rather comfortable right here in our neck of the woods providing the kind of well-rounded pictures we thought were long extinct.

Brooklyn Rules opens in Providence on May 11th and in Boston, New York City and Los Angeles on May 18th.

Brooklyn Rules comes to DVD on September 18th, 2007.

A Two Thumbs Up Pie, with Whipped Cream and a Cherry on Top!!

2008-02-29T13:13:00.006-05:00

Waitress
Fox Searchlight

Life is all about the pursuit of happiness, or so it is stated in the Constitution of the United States of America. And in the latest independent film, Waitress, directed by the late, but-oh-so-talented Adrienne Shelly, the constant search for something uplifting and inspirational floods the screen in a blend of humor, forbidden romance and saliva-forming pie delicacies.

Opening at Sundance to rave reviews from critics all around, the film has since been traveling nationwide for free screenings in an easy attempt at 'word-of-mouth' marketing. If people don't already have a mouthful of pie to stop them from talking, you'll be hearing wondrous comments about this story.

Jenna (played by Russell) is a small-time waitress at a pie shop in a small-time town in that little slice of America we all believed to be dormant. But when her abusive husband (Jeremy Sisto) gets her drunks one night and impregnates her, her world is ready to turn upside down. Jenna had always dreamt of an escape from her present life; a fresh start. Cue Dr. Pomatter (Nathan Fillion) who jump-starts Jenna's lust for life and true love as her replacement gynecologist. With a bun in the oven, Jenna's baking endeavors skyrocket with the hopes of winning $25,000 in a pie contest and one last shot at escaping her terrible husband. Whether it be on her own or in the arms of her doctor is an intense decision she must decide.

Keri Russell, according to my insight and sources, seemed to fall off the face of Celluloid Earth once her Felicity series ended. Aside from a run of small roles in big/mediocre films, none have really heard any from her. She reminds us how beautiful those homegrown country girls can be: how defenseless, how passionate and how much they can offer intellectually, spiritually and on a culinary level. Keri Russell is back, and ready to bite!!

Nathan Fillion is known to too many as a wisecracking captain of a starship in outer space, so seeing him as a nerdy, anxiety-encompassed gynecologist was almost a stretch. But his subtle and not over-the-top acting brought the beautiful degree of chemistry between Russell's character and his. It was his moment to shine in a situation he wasn't used to, and his light burned bright. His comedic timing was spot-on, and sharing the screen with Russell left us craving more intimate moments not shown as often on the silver screen anymore.

Jeremy Sisto is the controlling husband we all love to hate. He wears his insecurities on his sleeve, continually forcing his wife to remind him that she loves him and will never do anything behind his back. The brute of the film, he talks himself out of his emotions and talks himself into thinking he is right all the time. The headstrong type are usually never right; though the casting choice left the audience wondering how much one can really despise Sisto's character. A stellar performance indeed.

The ensemble supporting cast was mixed better than any dessert I could ever construct. The onscreen personas provided by Cheryl Hines, Andy Griffith, Adrienne Shelly, and even Eddie Jemison left each scene standing alone on its own. Every character in this gem is working hard to find happiness although some search in the wrong places; sometimes through lust, sometimes through spontaneous poetry and stalking while sometimes laying a hard hand on the one they walked down the aisle with years ago.

In this film, there is a sexual revolution for one woman and her doctor. In this film, there is a life to be given to one baby. In this film, there is nothing but good-ole pie to eat. Waitress is a humble return to the romantic comedy genre; one not relying on humor to carry the film or its romance. Like the pies created inside its running time, it takes just the proper blend of all the ingredients to make everything taste absolutely perfect. Order up!!

Waitress is now available to own on DVD.

I got lost the second I hit Singapore.

2008-02-29T13:03:00.005-05:00

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Walt Disney Pictures

--WARNING: This review will contain some spoilers.--

Pirates of The Caribbean 3: At Sanity's Last Thread.

To begin with, how did this film escape an R-rating? There were whores getting shot in the head near the beginning, Keira Knightley's bare leg (not that I didn't enjoy it) at the end and upwards of 25 pirates being hung from gallows before the opening credits finished. Were children supposed to be slugging popcorn and slurping slushies during these segments, because I was literally sick to my stomach. Its only a matter of time before a young child can watch a person get sucked under a train right in front of them and all they do is giggle and continue sucking on their thumbs.

The method behind Captain Jack's madness served absolutely no purpose to this story only other than proving how seamless digital copies of Johnny Depps running around each other can look awesome. His angel and demon shoulder buddies made me want to return my Twizzlers to the candy stand, half-digested. I never expected a kid's film, let alone a Disney film, to examine every possible tangent the story could have gone. But POTC 3 surpassed their multiple-story, countless-undertone and mind-boggling finisher to a trilogy we thought was ending. But expect another trilogy to already be in the works, kids. The swaying of the ships didn't make me dizzy, the goddamned writers did.

The interlacing of stories and motives behind each person's actions failed miserably in my eyes. By the end of the film, you don't like any of the main characters, because throughout the story each of them has done something bad in order to get something good.

Bruckheimer has been known for his epic battle sequences and all-around big-boom finishers essential to any action/adventure piece. And while there are two huge sailing fleets awaiting orders, the main fight exists between ONLY two ships stuck in a maelstrom. Perhaps Brucks is turning over a new poetic leaf, but you head into almost every film these days with expectations, and mine were certainly NOT set high. Sadly enough, this film did not live upto it.

If I get up once to pee during a film, it is not holding my attention. By the end of this flick, I was gripping my pants, holding back a second trip to the boys' room in a vain attempt at wishing this movie would turn around in some exciting and understandable way. At least I didn't wet my pants.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is available to own on DVD starting December 4th, 2007.