What's scary is the writers thought they were surprising us

Crazy Eights

Directed by James K. Jones

IKM Productions / After Dark Films

'Tis the season and I would like to take it upon myself as resident horror geek to review a number of horror movies for you kind readers.  I plan on bringing you reviews of new horror movies to which I subject myself in the upcoming few weeks, but also of some you might have missed along the way that you should definitely check out - especially when snuggling at home with a loved one on October 31st, ignoring the doorbell.  But anyway, on with the show --

--too bad it's this particular flick with which I begin.  Crazy Eights is one of the second batch of the 8 Films to Die For by After Dark Pictures.  The Horrorfest, which appears to be a nice new tradition (though "this year's" won't be occurring until January 2009), offers fans 8 new horror flicks at a time - independent films that aim to scare the bejesus out of you.  Oftentimes, they're cast with little known actors, and occasionally, you get a face you recognize.  The point, however, is to shock you and impress you with how well a small movie can frighten you.  So far, nothing has really stood out to me (with the exception of Penny Dreadful, a film starring Kristen Stewart, who has less acting ability than a mop - that movie was truly dreadful).  Anyway...to get back on point...

Starring a few recognizable faces, Crazy Eights is the story of six childhood friends who reunite at the death of one of their own, Brax.  As they explore his home, they find odd items stored in a box left for them.  Among photos and other mementos, Brax leaves his pals a map to a time capsule.  Out of respect, they follow the map to the second floor of an old barn (I always thought time capsules were buried, but what do I know?) which contains an old trunk - inside they find old toys, a slingshot, and (Gasp!) a rotted corpse.  In their fear, they leave the trunk behind and try to leave; however, they find they keep passing the same old white house and eventually go inside to get directions home.  The six become trapped in the house, explore its corridors, and discover mysteries abound within.  

Sounds like a really promising idea for a film.  With the success of one-location movies like Saw and Cube, Crazy Eights has the right premise, but a very poor execution (and I don't mean the deaths of its characters).  We're told very early on that years ago, children were experimented upon and their families were compensated.  We're also told that many of these children were never heard from again.  Then we're faced with this creepy big house and within 20min or so, we've figured out the point.  The plot runs like a junior-high-schooler's short story for English class - it's jumpy, it's overly-convenient, and the "mystery" we're supposed to be so shocked by is both easily assumed from the beginning and also "mysterious" only because the writers don't tell us everything up front.  There aren't really clues or puzzles for us to figure out - it's more of a "we're not going to tell you everything up front" sort of setup.  The issue with this is that it's not shocking when we are finally told the truth.  The reveal is a poor excuse for dramatic irony - sure, the audience knows more than the characters, but only because we're obviously not as idiotically dense as they appear to be.

Dina Meyer (of Starship Troopers and Saw I, II, III, IV fame) plays Jennifer who teaches psychology (I think) and focuses her lesson on guilt and remorse.  Lyle (George Newburn - of television's Providence and Chicago Hope, along with a spattering of independent films like Friends and Lovers) has become a priest, and Gina (Traci Lords -um...yeah...we know what she's done in her career.... and Stephen King's The TommyKnockers!) just seems to have issues.  One of the screenwriters / producers, Dan DeLuca, plays Wayne - a character who just seems grumpy and clumsy, as he falls down perfectly good steps out of NOWHERE and breaks his leg.  The other characters aren't even worth mentioning as they simply argue with each other, insult each other, and disrespect each other while trying to return to their separate lives.  

These people do not strike me as actually being friends, but that could just be the bad acting and plot.  Meyer and Newburn are the best in the film, but that's really not saying much as they're not given much with which to work.  Yes, there are deaths; yes, there are jumps - but nothing to write home about.  

At one point, they look at themselves in a photo - one where, I suppose, they're a baseball team self-titled "The Crazy Eights" and one makes a comment that they must not have been very smart, since you need nine people for a baseball team.  In the season of baseball playoffs and the World Series...avoid being one of the not-so-smart people watching this movie.  Stick to the great American pasttime instead...but keep reading, since I'll bring you some better options for Halloween viewing soon.  

Crazy Eights is available on DVD.