What's scary is the writers thought they were surprising us

Crazy Eights

Directed by James K. Jones

IKM Productions / After Dark Films

'Tis the season and I would like to take it upon myself as resident horror geek to review a number of horror movies for you kind readers.  I plan on bringing you reviews of new horror movies to which I subject myself in the upcoming few weeks, but also of some you might have missed along the way that you should definitely check out - especially when snuggling at home with a loved one on October 31st, ignoring the doorbell.  But anyway, on with the show --

--too bad it's this particular flick with which I begin.  Crazy Eights is one of the second batch of the 8 Films to Die For by After Dark Pictures.  The Horrorfest, which appears to be a nice new tradition (though "this year's" won't be occurring until January 2009), offers fans 8 new horror flicks at a time - independent films that aim to scare the bejesus out of you.  Oftentimes, they're cast with little known actors, and occasionally, you get a face you recognize.  The point, however, is to shock you and impress you with how well a small movie can frighten you.  So far, nothing has really stood out to me (with the exception of Penny Dreadful, a film starring Kristen Stewart, who has less acting ability than a mop - that movie was truly dreadful).  Anyway...to get back on point...

Starring a few recognizable faces, Crazy Eights is the story of six childhood friends who reunite at the death of one of their own, Brax.  As they explore his home, they find odd items stored in a box left for them.  Among photos and other mementos, Brax leaves his pals a map to a time capsule.  Out of respect, they follow the map to the second floor of an old barn (I always thought time capsules were buried, but what do I know?) which contains an old trunk - inside they find old toys, a slingshot, and (Gasp!) a rotted corpse.  In their fear, they leave the trunk behind and try to leave; however, they find they keep passing the same old white house and eventually go inside to get directions home.  The six become trapped in the house, explore its corridors, and discover mysteries abound within.  

Sounds like a really promising idea for a film.  With the success of one-location movies like Saw and Cube, Crazy Eights has the right premise, but a very poor execution (and I don't mean the deaths of its characters).  We're told very early on that years ago, children were experimented upon and their families were compensated.  We're also told that many of these children were never heard from again.  Then we're faced with this creepy big house and within 20min or so, we've figured out the point.  The plot runs like a junior-high-schooler's short story for English class - it's jumpy, it's overly-convenient, and the "mystery" we're supposed to be so shocked by is both easily assumed from the beginning and also "mysterious" only because the writers don't tell us everything up front.  There aren't really clues or puzzles for us to figure out - it's more of a "we're not going to tell you everything up front" sort of setup.  The issue with this is that it's not shocking when we are finally told the truth.  The reveal is a poor excuse for dramatic irony - sure, the audience knows more than the characters, but only because we're obviously not as idiotically dense as they appear to be.

Dina Meyer (of Starship Troopers and Saw I, II, III, IV fame) plays Jennifer who teaches psychology (I think) and focuses her lesson on guilt and remorse.  Lyle (George Newburn - of television's Providence and Chicago Hope, along with a spattering of independent films like Friends and Lovers) has become a priest, and Gina (Traci Lords -um...yeah...we know what she's done in her career.... and Stephen King's The TommyKnockers!) just seems to have issues.  One of the screenwriters / producers, Dan DeLuca, plays Wayne - a character who just seems grumpy and clumsy, as he falls down perfectly good steps out of NOWHERE and breaks his leg.  The other characters aren't even worth mentioning as they simply argue with each other, insult each other, and disrespect each other while trying to return to their separate lives.  

These people do not strike me as actually being friends, but that could just be the bad acting and plot.  Meyer and Newburn are the best in the film, but that's really not saying much as they're not given much with which to work.  Yes, there are deaths; yes, there are jumps - but nothing to write home about.  

At one point, they look at themselves in a photo - one where, I suppose, they're a baseball team self-titled "The Crazy Eights" and one makes a comment that they must not have been very smart, since you need nine people for a baseball team.  In the season of baseball playoffs and the World Series...avoid being one of the not-so-smart people watching this movie.  Stick to the great American pasttime instead...but keep reading, since I'll bring you some better options for Halloween viewing soon.  

Crazy Eights is available on DVD.

A fun, but not very scary, Nightmare

Nightmare Man
After Dark Horrorfest 2007
Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky
Paradign Pictures

In November of 2006, After Dark Films began a horror film festival that put 8 independent movies into theaters so the masses could experience something different from the Hollywood drivel that's been released recently. Unfortunately, as they only released certain films to certain theaters and all on the same week, I was unable to see or choose any. I was elated when they were released on DVD the following March. I purchased them all and enjoyed them quite a bit. This past November of 2007, After Dark repeated the festival with a new crop of Films to Die For...and released them on DVD March 18th. Being the resident horror geek, I'm on the job.

Nightmare Man is my first After Dark 2007 film. It stars Blythe Metz as Ellen, a woman who orders a fertility mask from Italy (which imported said mask from Africa) and is appalled to discover that the thing is hideous. She tosses it aside and plans to later call the shipping company, certain that there's been a mistake. The audience is then treated to an unsettling scene in which the power goes off in her home and she is stalked by someone in the dark. This stalking culminates in an attack on Ellen by what appears to be a frightening demon.

Now, rest easy, these are not spoilers...this, in fact, only described perhaps the first 7min of the film. The rest of the movie focuses on Ellen's fear of the demon that attacked her and her husband's (Luciano Szafir) disbelief in the monster. Bill, Ellen's oh-so-supportive husband, is driving her to a hospital where she can get some rest and help. Unfortunately, he forgot to fill the gas tank and the car runs out of fuel...shocking, I know. What ensues after he leaves to get some gas is another attack by the demon who supposedly exists only in Ellen's head and a chase through the woods (what, you thought they stalled out on a main road?! Pssh.) to a house where four friends unsuspectedly play Truth or Dare. They are attacked by Ellen's demon and a fight to protect themselves becomes the new focus of the film. There are a few twists and turns in the movie, but nothing we haven't seen before. The end of the film will definitely get you laughing, though - an amusing sequence AND a cameo by Richard Moll of Night Court fame!

Nightmare Man is certainly not a high-caliber horror flick. The chase scene through the woods is far too long and you start hoping the demon would just catch up with her already to end the agony...your agony, not hers. The Truth or Dare friends, led by Mia (Tiffany Shepis), are both amusing and annoying, depending on what dialogue escapes their lips. In fact, Shepis is really the only entertaining actor in the entire film. Her sarcasm isn't witty, that's for sure, but you definitely chuckle at most of her lines. She becomes the tough girl of the film while Ellen is subdued on the couch. Metz's performance as Ellen is rather dry and goofy - like I said earlier, you don't really want her to survive, but her character delivers some seriously funny situations toward the end of the film. The focus of the film shifts too frequently for you to really take it seriously, and the dialogue is certainly not Pulitzer-Prize winning material. In general, the movie is more like a late-night Cinemax film than something Fangoria would rave about. Probably fitting, as Tiffany Shepis has been in a number of Emmanuelle movies. Hrm.

Bottom line, Nightmare Man is a fun horror movie to watch for some empty laughs and entertainment, but will not give you nightmares.


Available on DVD now.